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#49. The Celestial Redneck Who Swallows the Sun

A good day's work!

Oh, you're . . . sharp . . . er.


These Pokémon are covered in hard armor. They are kind but can be relentless when defending territory. They challenge foes with their tusks. Haxorus's sturdy tusks will stay sharp even if used to cut steel beams.
Choro Notes: He's . . . a guy! The only Stage 2 pure-Dragon-type. Woo.
Zorak Notes: Hey you have a battle axe for a face, well done.
HulkaMatt Notes: What? Is this a joke? That isn't a real name for a pokémon. Oh, shit never mind it's THAT dude. Yeah, I believe the name now.

- - -

Music: Unova Route 4 - Winter

A good day. A good day because I remembered a thing!

I fought a fisherman over here!

Not only that I heard there was something cool living here! Something that wasn't a fish!


Sorry crab, hadn't you heard? I can't lose!


Krabby live on beaches, burrowed inside holes dug into the sand. On sandy beaches with little in the way of food, these Pokémon can be seen squabbling with each other over territory. If it is unable to find food, Krabby will absorb nutrients by swallowing a mouthful of sand. If it senses danger approaching, it cloaks itself with bubbles from its mouth so it will look bigger. Krabby's pincers break off easily. If it loses a pincer, it fully grows back quickly, but it somehow becomes incapable of walking sideways.
Zorak Notes: I LOVE CRABS they're so cool. here's a cute crab.
HulkaMatt Notes: cookie cookie cookie! Krabby easily in my favorites of Water Pokémon. LOVE THAT GUY. Has cool claws General all around cool crab
KungFu Grip named this

. . . oh?



Kingler has an enormous, over sized claw. It waves this huge claw in the air to communicate with others. However, because the claw is so heavy, the Pokémon quickly tires. The larger pincer has 10,000-horsepower strength. It's said to be capable of prying open Shellder and Cloyster shells. However, it's so heavy, it is difficult to aim. If it lifts the pincers too fast, it loses its balance and staggers.
Choro Notes: Kingler is one of my absolute favorite monsters. It's just a big tank of a guy, wreckin' things with its big ol' claw. Not givin' a fuck about shit. Absolutely great.
Zorak Notes: I STILL LOVE CRABS they're so cool. here's another cute crab.
HulkaMatt Notes: I love it :>

Miyo & Zorak named this

Maybe I can get more crabs . . .

. . . is this a fish? It doesn't look entirely fish.


Relicanth is a Pokémon species that existed for a hundred million years without ever changing its form. It was once believed to have been extinct but was discovered in deep-sea explorations. This Pokémon's body withstands the enormous water pressure of the ocean depths. Its body is covered in tough scales that are like craggy rocks. This ancient Pokémon feeds on microscopic organisms with its toothless mouth. It walks on the seafloor using its pectoral fins.
Choro Notes: I think Relicanth are really cool. They're literally living fossil Pokémon! They're even Rock-types!
Zorak Notes: Coelacanths are really cool, and thus so is Relicanth! He is basically just one outright. Our friend TyrsHTML wants to share the glory that is the Coelacanth with you
HulkaMatt Notes: Yo, one time I caught one of these dudes and then I found some crazy blocks of holy fuck I don't even know and then I never used it again. They look real old and neat though. :> Like, holy shit son, this guy looks like the wise dude of the sea and/or ocean.
Concordant named this

Choro Notes: Also found within the rippling water here are Clamperl's evolutions. Black version has Huntail while the White version has Gorebyss.

My infinite can't-lose energy tells me go this way!

What? Xanadu, I don't understand that blinky finger thing. I still don't. I probably never will.

Oh. Well, just ask next time. S'all, shoot.

Eh, you've asked for weirder, whatever.



Choro Notes: These Darmanitan are different from the ones you can get by evolving Darumaka. They have Darmanitan's hidden ability, Zen Mode! When these Darmanitan get low on HP they transform into their Zen Mode, and become Psychic-types.

I want a Zen Mode! Zen Mode Haley!


Darmanitan's internal fire burns at 2,500ş F (1371ş C), making enough power that it can destroy a dump truck with one punch. When weakened in battle, it transforms into a stone statue. Then it sharpens its mind and fights on mentally.
Zorak Notes: HE'S HERE AND HE'S WANTS YOU. GET IN THERE. Darmanitan is a Daruma Orangutan and is apparently Buddhist so if and when he beats you up he'll probably be doing it because he thinks its for your best interest I guess!?

Oh, we're just runnin' inta each other a lot, huh, Professor?

They're Pokémon!

" . . . "


long ago."
Th-that's a long time . . . D:

the Relic Castle was flourishing."

I thought that's what the. . . what're they called Sageliciouses were doin'.

will become active once again."
We just crammed choco-


Well neat! We made a net. . . I dunno how net works. We have chocolate. That is what we have now.

She seemed annoyed. Did she seem annoyed to you?

Music: Relic Castle

You cleared it out months ago!

Choro Notes: At the very bottom, where you met Ghetsis previously, a door as opened!

This is so cool. Soooo cool.

Oop. Giant snake. Not surprised.


Onix has a magnet in its brain that acts as a compass while this Pokémon is tunneling. It twists and squirms through the ground-the thunderous roar of its tunneling echoing a long way. Onix always eats large boulders and causes tremors as it bores through the ground at speeds of 50 MPH. The tunnels it leaves are used as homes by Diglett. As it grows older, its body becomes increasingly rounder and smoother, yet harder and similar to black-colored diamonds.
Zorak Notes: I like Onix, he's a cool fuckin' rock snake. Classic yo. Fun Onix trick: Onix has the highest base Defense of any Pokemon that can evolve. If you get it an Eviolite (which boosts the stats of unevolved Pokemon that can evolve) it's defense becomes The Highest.
Choro Notes: Water Gun
HulkaMatt Notes: IWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK! I think I've told this story before. When I first got Pokemon Onix was a -MUST HAVE- for me. IT'S A MOTHER FUCKING GIGANTIC ROCK SNAKE!
Raenir K. Artemi named this


I'll find you! I CAN'T NOT!


This is a good idea.


Choro Notes: That is legit the first time I've missed with Megahorn.


How'd that work out for you? Guess how it's gonna work out for him!

Hate those guys.

Is this a maze?

It's a stupid maze if it is.

A stupid maze I can't fail at because of this fire-guy.

Weird to find modern drugs in an old tomb.

Choro Notes: Hey yeah, I'll take probably the best move in the game. It's just part of my nature.


Pretty sure that was the way out. It was full of those creepy ghosts.



Sandslash's body is covered by tough spikes, which are hardened sections of its hide. Once a year, the old spikes fall out, to be replaced with new spikes that grow out from beneath the old ones. This Pokémon can roll up its body as if it were a ball covered with large spikes. If it digs at an incredible pace, it may snap off its spike and claws. They grow back in a day. In battle, this Pokémon will try to make the foe flinch by jabbing it with its spines. It then leaps at the stunned foe to tear wildly with its sharp claws. In an attempt to hide itself, it will run around at top speed to kick up a blinding dust storm. It also curls up to prevent heatstroke during the daytime when temperatures rise sharply. They are surprisingly adept at climbing trees.
Choro Notes: Rarely, Sandslash carry Quick Claws! They look exactly like a Sandslash's claw!
Zorak Notes: I FUCKIN LOVE PANGOLIN. Here's David Attenborough talking about Pangolin because he loves them too. They're covered in bony plates and look like goddamn mammal-dinosaur hybrids.
HulkaMatt Notes: Sandslash is pretty much like, the apex ground pokémon. They're so cool. Everything about them. PLEASE DO NOT DO WHAT THE ANIME DID AND ABUSE YOUR SANDSHREW/SLASH BY MAKING THEM GO IN WATER!!! DON'T WHIP THEM. JESUS.
Cheapsteaks named this

Hey old guy!

Hell if I know. That guy's bad news.

"Well, Bronius did anyway. He loved to just point out the obvious."

. . . cheer up sadsack! Based on past experiences you'll get to have a chat with a lovable foreign man soon!

"He said it'd help with my anxiety."

Sure it did! It's full of wreckage and cool stuff! I watched them open fire on it! BLAMMO!



Uh . . . that one's more of a loaded question.

Seven Sages."

Looker do I get anything from you out of this partnership or . . . ?




Claydol is an enigma that appeared from a clay statue made by an ancient civilization dating back 20,000 years. They are said to be dolls of mud made by primitive humans and brought to life by exposure to a mysterious ray. This Pokémon shoots beams from both its hands and moves about while levitating. A Claydol sleeps while hovering in midair. Its arms are separate from its body. They are kept floating by the Pokémon's manipulation of psychic power.
Choro Notes: Claydol are goddamn tanks that shoot lasers at you. I think they're pretty cool! A really neat design.
Zorak Notes: Hey, it's a dogu. Dogu were ancient pottery men from the Japanese Jomon period. We're not quite sure what their deal is; one thought is that they're intended to be effigies of people that people could transfer their illnesses and what not to and then destroy to rid it. Belief in sympathetic magic is weird like that.
HulkaMatt Notes: Man this thing is creepy. I feel like I'm in real danger around it
Zorak named this

Oh hey, that's . . . a giant bug.

Music: HeartGold & SoulSilver - Ho-oh




Oh damn, Hansel. I love you so much buddy!

It's still a bug!


When volcanic ash darkened the atmosphere, it is said that Volcarona's fire provided a replacement for the sun. Thought to be an embodiment of the sun, it appeared during a bitterly cold winter and saved Pokémon from freezing. A sea of fire engulfs the surroundings of their battles, since they use their six wings to scatter their ember scales.
Choro Notes: Volcarona's not legendary, they just evolve from Larvesta super late! They're pretty powerful! Its German name is pretty clever.
Zorak Notes: Volcarona is probably my favorite Pokémon right now. I just love its design and what it does. It takes forever to evolve from Larvesta but the end result is a cool as hell Sun-God moth that can use fire and buggitude against your enemies, and apparently stands in for the sun when needed because they're cool like that. Mine is named Amaterasu and she rules.
HulkaMatt Notes: Mosura . . .

Shoot that was cool. But whatever. I can't lose.

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