Arabian Nights (not the Arabian Nights)

So here's a fun little nugget of trivia to chew on. Magic storyline is divided into two things: Revisionist and Prerevisionist. The split happens at Weatherlight. Anything PRIOR to that, is prerevisionist, obviously. Now, it's not that none of this counts. But at any time if it's contradicted by revisionist bits, revisionist takes over. So all those comics from 1994? Canon as long as there's no contradiction. Shandalar? Canon! HarperPrism novels? Canon as well! It's the damnedest thing.

Now, Arabian Nights was originally just that. Based on the 1001 Arabian Nights. But then THE POWERS THAT BE decided to work it into actual Magic canon.

Welcome to Rabiah the Infinite! Now, "the Infinite" is really kind of a stupid moniker because there are only 1001 Rabiahs. You see for whatever reason, Rabiah refracted 1000 times. One plane becomes one thousand and one planes. Got it? Now you know why you can summon multiple Aladdins and Sindbads! I really don't have a reason for why this happened and I wish I did! So the main person you should know about at first is Nailah, self-proclaimed queen of Rabiah. She's basically queen bitch. Now, there were a few exceptions, but every individual on the plane was copied 1000 times. Nailah is one of those exceptions. In fact, this kind of hints that she might have been a planeswalker but it's never actually addressed soooo whatever. Now Nailah, as a young minibitch was trained in magic by her father. El-Hajjâj discovered the Lore of the Ancients and prophecized The One Made Five. There is an old prophecy that states that a being of five parts, when rejoined into one, will become the most powerful sorcerer in the land. Nailah kind of wants that power but she's already one and certainly not five. I mean she's a sorceress bitch, I bet she'd even tried cutting dudes into five pieces then repiecing them together only to be sorely disappointed.

So how do sorceress bitch queens repay this type of thing? By overthrowing/murdering them, yes. Good work. Now what she did, was she was raised alongside a guy named Raghib. Sorceress bitch protocol demanded she seduce him and indeed she did. Raghib is basically just an errand boy/lover and does all sorts of tasks including finding the Ring of Ma'rûf. What does the Ring do? Well, it's basically a free pass to each other Rabiah--A sort of mini planeswalking engine.

Nailah next sends Raghib on another mission, go out and find a man named Taysir, preferably a black-aligned one. So help you god if you come back with a white or green aligned one. Raghib does this because the ring lets him find Taysirs! Yay! Raghib brings Black Taysir back to Nailah, Nailah is happy. But don't forget she's also a sorceress bitch! His use played out, she she curses Raghib with leprosy and dumps him on some other Rabiah.

So, Nailah sets about doing what she does best, next. Seducing black Taysir and making him her apprentice. I would like to be a sorceress bitch apprentice because you get to do cool things like striking random people with leprosy and making things 0/2 but I digress. Now, the reason she wanted Taysir specifically is Taysir is another weird exception in the refraction. Rather than having 1001 parts, Taysir has five. It is always five in this shit.

Taysir is tasked with finding the green-aligned Taysir, which he does using the Ring of Ma'rûf. Green Taysir is a good man, a shepherd even. When has there ever been an evil shepherd? Now, this shepherd has a pretty ok li-- Oop never mind he's dead. Killed by black Taysir. Black Taysir merges with Green Taysir's soul. Do you see what's happening? Basically the story of Arabian Nights is The One, starring Jet Li. The main difference is there are only five Taysir and no Motorcycle duels happen.

So Black Taysir just absorbed Green Taysir. Now, suddenly Apprentice Taysir is having doubts "I dunno if I should be killing the other mes." He thinks. Green apparently does this when combined with black, just look at Savra and shit. (This is not what black and green does.) BG Taysir decides that Nailah isn't a nice person! So he heads off to find Red Taysir. Red Taysir is a nomad. That's. . . really it. BG Taysir tells R Taysir to find the other two Taysir. R Taysir just sort of looks at BG Taysir for a while then says sure why not. BG Taysir returns to Nailah's Keep and challenges her. Hey yeah, he fails and gets thrown into an oubliette. Way to go, champ. Hey, Nailah! Next time merged the black one with the red one first you big stupid.

MEANWHILE BACK WITH RED NOMAD TAYSIR! Oh, hey he found White Taysir. Great. White Taysir is a Dervish. Awesome. W Taysir has a sidekick/companion who is a leper named, GASP! Raghib! Raghib fesses up to W Taysir and R Taysir that he used to be Nailah's lover until the whole, leprosy thing. Suddenly, Nailah herself appears and tries to convince (read: seduce) R Taysir to become her new apprentice. Now Taysir's not stupid, he sees that Raghib now has small parts that could be swallowed by children and knows this is a bad idea! A fight ensues and, well. R Taysir is pretty much fucked, and gets critically wounded. Nailah tries to teleport R Taysir to BG Taysir to merge them but R Taysir fuses with W Taysir. Got that? There's a WR Taysir now. WR Taysir deflects Nailah's teleportation spell back at her and he and Raghib start looking for the blue Taysir.

So RW Taysir and Rag"Some-assembly-required"hib arrive at Nailah's Keep. RW Taysir and Raghib fight their way past Brass Men and a Guardian Beast. What they find, is what the beast was guardianing, of course: a City in a Bottle. Oh, also El-Hajjâj who apparently wasn't actually killed by Nailah! Or something! It's really kinda sketchy what the hell happened! Either way, it turns out El-Hajjâj had protected the blue Taysir inside the city. So. WR Taysir travels into the bottled city to find the blue Taysir. Now, if black Taysir was a sorceress's apprentice, White was a dervish, green was a shepherd and red was a nomad. Surely Blue Taysir will be something cool, right?! Nope, he's a baby. Yeah, I don't know why. I don't know how. I just know that somehow this was El-Hajjâj's master plan to protect blue Taysir. So WR Taysir is kind of pissed that he's gotta murder a baby version of himself to fuse with it but he does anyway! Congrats! Red, White and Blue Taysir! USA. USA.

So El-Hajjâj, Raghib and WUR Taysir head further into Nailah's keep and free BG Taysir. Turns out, however. That nobody apparently remembered Nailah lives here. Nailah ambushes them and kills Raghib. Oh no! In the scuffle, El-Hajjâj shanks BG Taysir a few times. "TAYSIR I DIDN'T SHANK! FUSION HAAAA!" So now we have a WUBRG Taysir. Great. Remember the thing about how the prophecy said "Most powerful sorcerer in the land?" What do you suppose that entails? Yeah Taysir of Rabiah ascends as a planeswalker. Prerevisionist he is one of the most powerful planeswalkers known if not THE strongest, this is changed in revision to make Urza "I-have-two-sparks" Planeswalker strongest.

So Nailah tries to use her charms on the black portion of Taysir to bring him under her control. This fails and she takes a lot of backlash damage! Taysir says "Peace out, yo!" and just planeswalks away. Nailah apparently forgot about that whole "planeswalkers can leave planes" thing. Nailah throws a barrier up around Rabiah preventing Taysir from returning. Now this barrier either disappeared or ONLY applied to Taysir. Because later on someone else makes a brief stop on Rabiah.

And that's that! The story of Arabian Nights (not THE Arabian Nights) and Taysir's ascencion.


Sort of but not really legendary shit
Abu Ja'far - In the Arabian Nights story "The Tale of Three Apples" Ja'far was the wazir to the caliph Harun al-Rashid. Leper by reputation only, perhaps?
Aladdin - A thing most people don't know: Aladdin is Chinese! He always was a little asshole despite what Disney tells you. He made his father so sad he died of grief, for instance. His mother is still alive and is in fact the one who rubs the lamp first. Their first wish? Food. His ring contained an efreet that loved smashing walls and getting people out of caves.
Ali Baba - Everybody should know the story of Ali Baba and the forty thieves at this point. Open Sesame, blah blah.
Ali from Cairo - Childhood friend of Marûf. Ali is most notable for always being one step ahead of failure.
El-Hajjâj - Nailah's father, a powerful sorcerer. OR a tyrannical governor of numerous stories in the 1001 Arabian Nights (beginning about 500 nights into Shahrazad's tales) who was alleged to have slain 120,000 men in his efforts to quell uprisings and who died in 714 A.D.
Island Fish Jasconius - The "island fish" part is from the first voyage of Sindbad. Jasconius? That's the name of the whale St. Brendan was said to have accidentally camped on in the sixth century.
The Isle of Wak-Wak - This island is actually pre-Arabic folklore. According to legend, the name is derived from the so-called "tree of wonders" growing on a collection of islands. This tree bears rounded fruit resembling the heads of women suspended by their long hair. When these fruit are ripe, they fall to the ground, making a sound like "wak-wak." Appears in the Seventh Voyage of Sindbad. _{You might also recognise the Wak-Wak Tree as an enemy in Castlevania. It's those trees that grow Fleamen.}
King Suleiman - Ancient Rabian king from before the Refraction. Bound seventy Djinn and Efreet to his will. Djinn across multiple worlds hold a special hatred for Suleiman's bloodline and followers, he was not a kind master. - Alternatively, King Solomon!
Library of Alexandria- Alexandria, Egypt, was one of the many fabled cities mentioned in The Arabian Nights, and the library there was famed to be the center of all learning and knowledge.
The Old Man of the Sea - In "The Fifth Voyage of Sindbad," Sindbad encounters an old man who begs Sindbad to carry him on his shoulders and carry him across a canal. Sindbad does, thinking the old man must be crippled in some way, but when he does, the old man locks his legs around Sindbad's neck and won't get off. He forces Sindbad to carry him all over the place for days. Eventually, Sindbad tricks the old man into drinking an excessive amount of wine, and when the old man gets drunk and falls off Sindbad's shoulders, Sindbad bashes his head in with a rock. No moral! (A marid is a type of djinn)
Ring of Ma'rûf - Artifact that allowed passage from one Rabiah to another. Also able to track Taysir, for some reason. IRL: Ma'rûf was a cobbler (lots of those in the Arabian Nights) who found a ring with a djinn in it.
Sindbad - For seven voyages, Sindbad the sailor had many adventures. He comes in a close third for popularity behind Aladdin and Ali Baba (the tales, not necessarily the cards).

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A Couple of stories from Legends

Legends is a. . . different set, storywise. A lot of it is prerevisionist but a lot is revisionist! There are also several storylines happening at different points in Dominaria's history. Some of it occurs prior to The Brothers' War (The bit I'm going to do this time, for one)
Remember how I said most of the early sets take place on Terisiare? Well the rest of legends does too but a lot of stuff also happens on Corondor. Now, if you know nothing about storyline, Corondor is mentioned ONCE on the cards: It's the homeland of Mangara.

--Sivitri Scarzam's Story--
Meet Sivitri Scarzam! She's a more-than-half naked lady who planeswalked to Dominaria a long-ass time before The Brothers' War. She wasn't a planeswalker but she could. . . walk the planes. It's not like she was some sort of eldritch Æther monstrosity in disguise, either. She got the type Human with Lorwyn so she is revisionistly speaking just a Human who could planeswalk but was not a planeswalker despite all the planeswalking. This is fucking stupid.

So anyway, Sivitri Scarzam has a whole bunch of dragons, called Scarzam dragons. Sivitri, for whatever reason, attacks southeastern Corondor with her dragons and basically slaughters a bunch of farmers and prospectors. So a healer figures out "shit, I can just make a contact poison out of this conveniently located poppy." So a bunch of dragons die, Sivitri flees astride the biggest Scarzam dragon the end.

--Dakkon's Story--
Now I told you that story to tell you this one. Meet Geyadrone Dihada! I'd have linked to a card she appears in there but she doesn't appear on the cards—at all. Ever. This is a common thing for this period, deal with it. The lovely miss Dihada, if you must know. Is basically picture Morrigan from Darkstalkers and make her smug and "evil-planeswalker-looking". Bam. Now, I'd tell you her motivations for the things she does, or her backstory. But it never comes up. She just shows up on Dominaria one day "BLAM! SUP DOMINARIA, WHO CAN I BE AN ATROCIOUS DEMON CUNT TO TODAY?" So she goes off and finds someone, this someone happens to be a blacksmith named Dakkon.

"YOU THERE, THE BLACKSMITH WITH THE KICKIN' ARMOR" she says "MAKE ME A KICKIN' SWORD LIKE THAT SHIT AND I'LL PLANESWALKER YOU THE FUCK UP, SON." So indeed he did, because what the fuck are you going to do when these demonic harpy just pops up, compliments your kickin' armor you made in shop class then asks for a kickin' sword. Also she'll probably kill you if you don't.

"Hey yeah sure. Gimme 10 years." And Geyadrone-chan leaves to go do whatever the fuck it is she does. So, how do you make a kickin' sword. Well clearly it's gotta be the most metal blade ever, because Dakkon is the type of person who got into metallurgy just because it involves metal and tried to name himself after a metal band when he was younger but fucked it up. So for ten years, Dakkon is constantly heating the sword and calling for a slave. See, he plunges the red hot metal into a slave every time he heats it. For ten years he does this. Holy shit. So the sword he made? It's Blackblade. Geyadrone comes back. "THANKS FOR THE SWORD, GUY!" And she immediately stabs Blackblade into Dakkon's shadow, stealing his soul and triggering his planeswalker spark. Dakkon's kinda confused why she took his soul but whatever. Planeswalking ahoy! The end!

--Sol'Kanar's Story--
So I told you THOSE stories to tell you this one. Meet Geyadrone Di—oh you've met. I see then. Are you familiar with the whole "Forest spirit" thing that Dominaria has going on? Usually large forests will have a Maro-Sorcerer or some bullshit. Well the forest region of Khone has one: his name was Sol'Kanar. Nice guy, benevolent force of nature. And then Geyadrone showed up and gave him Blackblade! See, this corrupted Sol'Kanar into being her servant as Khone became a marsh. So Sol'Kanar being the cheerful fucker he is builds the Unholy Citadel for Geyadrone. Awesome! So it's about this time that Dakkon smashes in through the window of the Citadel, guitars a fuckin' blarin' and challenges Geyadrone. Someone's being a baby about not having a soul! So Sol'Kanar fights for Geyadrone and gets his ass fucking beat. Dakkon takes Blackblade and storms off. presumably to an Iron Maiden concert or some bullshit.

So Sol'Kanar is pretty much kicked to the curb by Geyadrone for being a jackass loser. So he mostly wanders around the region, occasionally popping out from the side of the road scaring the shit out of people and shouting about how he's totally a god and they should worship him. At one point he decided the swamp belonged to him! It technically did so whatever, but he submerged his road. He demands the people of Khone and Shikar give him shit like slaves and hookers. Sol'Kanar: He lives on the side of the road, jumping out at passersby demanding free food and sex.

So one day Sol'Kanar learns about Sivitri Scarzam. Sol'Kanar decides "Fuck it, no more hookers. I want mages now." And so he gets mages, in hopes he can summon a Scarzam dragon. After a couple years he succeeds! Good job! The mage from Shikari that was helping him turned the dragon on him, the mage from Khone unsummoned it. Sol'Kanar smashes Khone and goes back to living at the side of the road. Good job!

--Carth's Story--
So I told you all of those stories to tell you this one. Geyadrone gets another wild hair up her demon cunt and decides to start a war in Corondor, just generally be an asshole again. So a young thief from Carth who has the Mark of the Elder Druid. So Carth is in Geyadrone's dungeon with a monk who is all "YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO SHIT. HERE'S A KICKIN' ARTIFACT!" So he gets an amulet that he just decides to use. So what does it do? It summons Dakkon. Now, I'm not sure how this works or why this works, but the kid just summoned a planeswalker like you would a summoned creature. Dakkon is stuck on Dominaria and stuck with this punk little fucker. Dakkon tries to beat Carth to death but hey, the artifact protects him. So they're stuck together in a Bing Crosby/Bob Hope-esque type thing, wandering around Corondor until Dakkon goes off to beat Geyadrone to death but kicks Sol'Kanar's ass instead and takes Blackblade back. See for whatever reason, Dakkon has to kill Geyadrone before he's freed from Carth!

So Dihada cackles like an anime demon cunt whore and summons Chromium and chromium's girlfriend against the two. Dakkon flat out unsummons Chromium and then fights his girlfriend until he just decides to blow her the fuck up with a blast big enough to create a chasm. Geyadrone absorbs the dragon's power and is all "S'UP IT'S JUST WHAT I PLANNED, YOU STUPID JERKS! ALSO I WAS THE MONK IN THE DUNGEON, SURPRISE!" But as she's saying this Dakkon just coldcocks a bitch. Dakkon is pretty awesome. So Geyadrone leaves but does it in the usual demon cunt way, cackling like a madwoman saying it went just as she planned all along, claiming Dakkon would serve her for eternity. Dakkon tells Carth to go fuck himself but hey! He has his soul back!

So the two continue traveling around, eventually going to Terisiare where the kid starts the Carthalion Legacy. Carth dies, Dakkon gets stuck serving Geyadrone and they all lived happily ever after.


Legendary Shit
-Note: Only legends not part of the other two storylines are included here.-
Adun Oakenshield - Adun's kind of a weird but common thing with Legends--we don't know shit about him. All that's known is what's mentioned in the Anvilonian Grimoire. i.e. his flavor text.
Angus Mackenzie - A human cleric from Karakas. Looks a lot more like Tim the Enchanter than Prodigal Sorcerer imho.
Arcades Sabboth - Elder dragon and brother of Nicol Bolas, and co. Apparently dead, summoned by the planeswalker Leshrac in a duel and killed by the planeswalker Kristina.
Axelrod Gunnarson - A giant. That's it. Go away.
Bartel Runeaxe - A giant. He's from Hammerheim. That's also it.
Chromium Rhuell - Elder dragon and brother to Bolas, Sabboth and Palladia-Mors. Summoned by Geyadrone against Dakkon. Will pop up again later!
Dakkon Blackblade - A blacksmith and warrior, had his spark ignited by Geyadrone in exchange for the forging of Blackblade. Betrayed by Geyadrone because she's a demon whore bitch, bound to a small boy.
Lady Evangela - A Lady named Evangela, a cleric.
Gabriel Angelfire - An angel! Center of the most popular church in Benalia, replacing the church of Serra after worship of Serra was condemned in Benalia.
Gwendlyn di Corsi - A goddamned whore from Urborg. Not much really known about her!
Hammerheim - Mountain fortress at the crossroads of the Domains. He who controls the 'heim controls the trade.
Jacques le Vert - An apparent Frenchman who apparently abandoned his sword to return to Pendelhaven. vOv
Jerrard of the Closed Fist - Last knight of the order of the Closed Fist. Really the truth for most of these legends is they were D&D characters the designers made for their campaigns and you fucking know they were frustrated because a jackass ruined it and they never even got to them.
Karakas - I really, really wish I could tell you all about this but. . .
Kher Keep - Mountain stronghold populated by kobolds. Completely impervious to aerial assaults, utterly defenseless from the ground.
Livonya Silone - I would tell you who this woman is or what she did aside from her flavor text but I can't!
Princess Lucrezia - Hahahahaha nope. Nothing here either.
Nebuchadnezzar II - Babylonian king. Credited with the construction of the Hanging Gardens. Conquered Judah and Jerusalem and sent the Jews into exile.
Pavel Maliki - Apparently we all already know this legend? Which is that he wanders around helping those in greatest need. . . . so why is he a black and red creature?
Pendelhaven - The oldest tree in Llanowar.
Rasputin Dreamweaver - Weaves dreams
Riven Turnbull - He's an advisor of some sort, but he can block a dragon and kill it dead while still surviving. How good are YOUR advisors?
Rohgahh of Kher Keep - Leader of the kobolds of Kher Keep. Boy ain't that just the grandest title?
Rubinia Soulsinger - A faerie. I've noticed it's always the female legends that don't have bullshit about them. I wonder why that is?
Sir Shandlar of Eberyn - Apparently died at some point in the past.
Sivitri Scarzam - An extraplanar traveler in command of the Scarzam dragons. Attacked southeast Corondor with her dragons until a cleric made a contact poison that was immediately fatal to them. Fled Dominaria astride the largest of her dragons.
Sol'Kanar - A corrupted force of nature and former spirit of Khone. Waged war across Corondor and built the Unholy Citadel for Geyadrone. Wielded Blackblade. Possibly destroyed when attempting to control a Scarzam dragon.
Stangg - A warrior who could copy himself.
Sunastian Falconer - A goddamned LOSER. Never make an EDH deck around this jackass.
The Lady of the Mountain - According to dwarven myth, she is the daughter of Fiers and Gaea. Nothing is known about her as an actual entity.
Tobias Andrion - Military advisor of the Sheoltun empire. Eliminated pirates around Aerona. Slain in a pirate ambush by magical lightning. Supposedly reanimated and made to dance upon the lifeless remains of his crew for eternity. Sounds like something pirate wizards would do, yeah.
Tolaria - An island told of in sailors' tales, where time takes on a strange quality. . .
Torsten Von Ursus - A knight from Wrenna. After Wrenna was claimed by a horrible mage, he traveled through Hurloon and studied minotaur philosophy. Continuing south to the newly renamed Benalia, basically reformed it into a new nation using nothing but some brute force tactics and amazing charisma.
Tuknir Deathlock - Apparently an explorer of the Æther. I've no idea what this actually means except that Æther is an energy from The Blind Eternities. Perhaps his Triceratop Hat helps?
Ur-Drago - Has nothing to do with the Ur-Dragon. He's also apparently an elemental now! What the fuck is this guy?!
Urborg - Urborg is a large island north of Jamuraa and west of Corondor. Once a lush jungle, the Sylex Blast at Argoth sunk a large portion of it and it quickly became a swampy marshland. Urborg is one of the most important locations on Dominaria and possibly its biggest source of black mana.

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The Brothers' War

(i.e. The Story of Antiquities and half of Urza's Saga)
So this is one of the earliest events in magic lore, off the top of my head only two things happen prior to it. But one of those I'll cover later and the other is the Elder Dragon war, so fuck that!

Now I should preface this by saying that most of Magic lore takes place on Dominaria, or DOMINIA PRIME, as it used to be called way back in the day. Why the Multiverse had a name, I'll never know. Especially since we're technically part of it thank you china and your three kingdoms period!
I'm sure you know Llanowar and Benalia and Tolaria, etc. But most of early Magic storylines take place on one continent: Terisiare. I honestly think Terisiare is mentioned for the first time in Coldsnap and then never again.


_{Terisiare circa 0AR}

To preface this (again), at this point in Dominaria almost nobody is using magic. Got that? 'm not saying NOBODY is using this shit, because some fucking elves are. Probably some ladies over around Verdura, but other than that. Wizardry isn't really a thing. Now, see all that shit on the map? None of that is important right now except for Tocasia's school over on the right. Tocasia is an archaeologist from Argive excavating in the desert near Koilos. Most of the things she's excavating are Thran relics. Now the Thran were your standard "Ancient race that was super advanced but now they're all dead." Good for them, shit happens move on. One day, Tocasia gets two brothers from a noble family in Argive as students. The elder brother, was Urza. The younger brother, Mishra. Tocasia's got some junky artifact cows they found wandering around, but they're pretty ratty. Urza is a goddamn savant and gets the thing working right, which I guess means more like a cow and less like a ratty ass, robot cow. Basically, Urza is the type of person that could take a Chuck E. Cheese robot, tweek it for 5 minutes and give you an ASIMO.

Now as they lived with Tocasia and the Fallaji tribesman at the camp, Mishra and Urza became increasingly different. Mishra was warmer, much more friendly and interactive with people while Urza focused more on artifacts and studying. Mishra was pretty much in charge of digging holes, Urza was in charge of pimping shit out. Like this Ornithopter. So eventually it's figured out. "Hey, all of this crap we're digging up is kinda scattered in a pattern around some place. Let's go there. On an adventure!" AND INDEED THEY DID.

So Urza, Mishra and Tocasia take the Ornithopter to where they all seem to point out: the Caves at Koilos. Now the caves at Koilos are full of Thran artifacts, including Su-Chi engines. Which hey, guess what. Some still work! The three flee for their lives into a tiny hole or some shit and find the biggest goddamned powerstone they'd ever seen. However, it's split in two halves. Urza takes the larger, the Mightstone. Mishra gets the smaller, the Weakstone.

NOW. The thing that most people realize about weird shit in ancient ruins is it's probably still there for a reason Those two stones? Yeah they were a seal. A seal on a portal. Guess what the stupid fuckers opened up. Now Urza and Mishra are arguing about the stones. Both think the other wants theirs, Tocasia's all "It's ok guys, just give them to me I'm a neutral third party. We can study them for science together :D". This is of course met with "FUCK YOU, YOU'LL JUST GIVE IT TO HIM" from both of them. You know, artifacts of great power, blah blah blah. So they all just fly back to Tocasia's camp in what I can only assume is the most awkward silence and go about their business.

A few days later, well, Mishra had been drinking. Goes up to Urza and basically just shouts. "HEY FUCKER, FORK IT OVER" so apparently their stones can shoot lasers or something I don't even know and they're going all Dragonball Kamehameha on each other with their stones when Tocasia runs in between them to stop them. Remember the first Pokemon movie when Ash runs between Mewtwo and Mew's lasers? That's basically what happens except it's a lot messier and there were no pikachu crying.

So the two go their separate ways. Urza moved to Yotia and got a job as a watchmaker. I guess he was super charging the fuckers or something. He lived a p.nice life, fixing watches. Not exploring ancient ruins. When suddenly, a contest! Anyone who could move a jade statue across a courtyard would be married to the ruler of Yotia's daughter. "Hot Damn!" Urza thought, "There's a Thran tome as the dowry! I'd love to get me that! Oh and also I'd get a wife!" So Urza moves the statue in the only way he knows how: He built a giant motherlovin' machine, moved the thing, got married to Kayla bin-Kroog. He also got appointed Head Artificer! Fuck yeah! Now for their hot wedding night, Urza left the bed and just studied the tome al night. God bless you Urza.

So Urza got a hot wife, a pope's hat full of powerstones and an ancient book. What did Mishra get? Horrible dreams of a Mechanical mockery of nature. Sound bad? It gets worse! Because he also gets enslaved by a group of nomads! Eventually it turns out one of the nomads was a friend of Mishra's from Tocasia's camp, who convinces their leader to let Mishra be "not-a-slave." Mishra is tasked with teaching the leader's son Argivian language and all in all Mishra's lot in life got better! Until one night when the tribal leader contemplates having Mishra killed. Luckily a gigantic Dragon Engine deus ex machina's itself out of the sand and just starts rampaging and killing. It's pretty awesome. Mishra uses his Weakstone to weaken the dragon engine and basically bend it to his will. Rightfully so, Mishra isn't killed by the tribe's leader and is instead made chief advisor. Urza gets a nice quiet watchmaking job and a hot wife. Mishra gets years of slavery and a giant dragon engine of unknown origin. Sure why not.

So you're a young guy with a dragon engine, and a bunch of nomadic underlings. What do we do, HMM. Mishra basically uses his kickin' new pet to just start conquering nations for the Fallaji. He's basically got the entire interior desert area when he sets his sight on a coastal city, Zegon. Mishra's all "Tch, robot dragon is gonna fuck shit up, we can do that." However, a short way into the city the dragon just. . . shuts off. Understandably, Mishra's boss is fucking pissed. So, the dragon's not working, how the fuck do we conquer Zegon. That's where Ashnod comes in. You see, Ashnod was pretty good at artificin' some crap up too. Turns out that's what was holding off the dragon engine. Fuck. Good news! Turns out the sticks only work for a short time, that dragon was about to fuck shit up again so Ashnod was sent to set the terms of surrender! Long story short: Mishra doesn't get smash shit to death, he gets a red-haired not-wife apprentice. While this has all happened Urza got a dorky toymaker named Tawnos as his apprentice. Point Mishra!

So we have Urza and Mishra both at high positions of power. Some shit goes down, some pot shots are taken some explosions happen all out war happens. An ever increasing arms race builds between the two. One day Mishra and Ashnod return to Koilos to look for more junk to throw at Urza. In the hall that contained the Might and Weakstones, Mishra finds the gate to Phyrexia and steps through the portal. Ok now, basically picture a weird robot amusement park. That's what Mishra finds! Mechanical plants, robot flesh deer. GIANT PHYREXIAN DRAGON ENGINES. Now here's the funny thing! The giant engines? They see Mishra's puny little (also Phyrexian) dragon engine serving Mishra. Congratulations, Mishra! You have NEW friends! However a wondrous being of abject horror appears and the two flee with their new pets.

So the two are still fighting and one day Mishra just flat out obliterates Kroog. Oop! Sorry Urza, should of protected your base better! Now the flavor text on Yotian Soldier has context! A year later Yotia is pretty much just not a fun place to live anymore.. Mishra assaults Korlis next and fails. After this happens about three times, Mishra seeks the help of a cult that worships machines, The Cult of Gix. "You gotta get you some new KICKS, yo." is basically what they tell him.

A quick summary of the next few events:
-Tawnos gets captured
-Ashnod tortures Tawnos
-Ashnod is kinda into that sort of thing.
-Ashnod basically gives Tawnos an escape route
-Priests of Gix point this shit out, Ashnod gets exiled.

So Mishra assaults the Ivory Towers. Succeeds. Realizes all the knowledge inside is old dudes talking about being wise and shit. Mishra calls them all losers and leaves. Magic? That's fucking stupid superstition. God, big stupid dummies.

Now Mishra is basically fucked here. He's running low on resources. His health is deteriorating. He exiled his chief advisor. The brotherhood of Gix are pretty sympathetic to his plight. "Hey bro, we can make you better. You see, the body is a machine! We could totally make it better and more deadly!" You can. . . sorta tell what happens next if you know anything about Phyrexia.

MEANWHILE BACK WITH URZA, turns out his hot wife had a son! Harbin is all out in an ornithopter when crosswinds blow him off course. What he finds is Argoth. An unspoiled paradise of woodfaggery. Totally going to report this to dear old dad! Long story short, Argoth was fucked because it was so damned awesome.

So this is the part everyone knows. Argoth is basically strip mined. Artifact creatures fight artifact creatures fight trees and elves. Eventually on the blasted landscape of Argoth, Urza and Mishra finally meet. It does NOT go well. Urza, realizing what has happened takes one final resort. Urza pours his memories into the Sylex and it detonates. Argoth is utterly destroyed. No, I mean UTTERLY destroyed. Here's how bad Argoth is destroyed:
--The only surviving remnants of Argoth's population are some elves who left on a raiding party to strike at Terisiare's mainland. They became the ancestors of the Fyndhorn Elves.
--People on the mainland who happened to be looking towards Argoth had their eyes fucking melted out.
--The tectonic plate beneath Argoth is completely shattered.
--A portion of the timestream itself was damaged
--Dominaria and the Eleven Planes next to it were cut off completely from the rest of the Multiverse, preventing planeswalkers from entering or leaving.
--Dominaria began to enter its Ice Age.

So there you are. That's the major conflict at the base of Dominarian history.

Legendary Shit
Mishra - Brother of Urza. Became corrupted by Phyrexia. Obliterated in the Sylex Blast at Argoth.
Gaea's Cradle - Sacred grove located on Argoth. Destroyed during the course of The Brothers' War.

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Fallen Empires

_{Sarpadian History 101}

Let's talk about planeswalkers first! What exactly IS a planeswalker? According to the original storyline, a planeswalker was a person you ignited their spark. Everyone had a spark back then! You could just train and become a planeswalker. Yay! Also in one case a planeswalker just sort of had their spark activated by another 'walker. Boop! Walker.

Now, the canon answer to what needs to happen now, is first you need a spark. Only sentient beings can have sparks (so there are no capybara planeswalkers, sad I know. But there's been a minotaur one! That's pretty cool, right?) and only one in millions will have them. On top of that, just having one of those spark thingamawhackers isn't enough. It's gotta ignite/flare up/go off. This is usually triggered by a near death experience (Tezzeret was stabbed in the heart, for example.) or extreme emotion (Elspeth's triggered from extreme fear). Now here's the fun part! Suddenly being a planeswalker and being thrown into another world/the Blind Eternities is pretty fucking shocking! A lot of babby 'walkers' hearts and/or minds explode just from the sudden shock of it all. I'm not making this up. Those that have the physical and mental discipline survive and congrats! You're planeswalker!

Now for the actual things that come with being a planeswalker, before the Mending, planeswalkers were almost all-powerful, shapeshifting gods. EVER god/goddess mentioned (save for a couple who just never have their true nature revealed) have turned out to be either a planeswalker or some other horrifying eldritch being. Like no shit, here's how powerful they are: They can create planes. They don't need to eat or breathe. They're resilient as hell, you could decapitate a 'walker and they'd be fine. Planeswalker was human and wants to look like a dragon? Sure they can do that the big weirdo. They've also got the ability to cast all five colors of magic with ease. Oh also they can planeswalk.

Alright, now all of that? Throw it out the fucking window. The events of Time Spiral lead to the Multiverse changing the make up of the spark and what being a planeswalker entails. They're drastically powered down, but they can still planeswalk and are still very resilient compared to mortal humans. This is why you can take a 5/5 to the face a couple of times but your Infantry Veteran is killed five times over. They need to eat and breathe now, they can't shapeshift anymore than any other mage and they age normally. Personally I think this was a great move because now it's easier to tell stories involving 'walkers without them just "Oop, I altered reality. Story over."

Food for thought: Liliana Vess was one of the old planeswalkers but became powered down like the others. I.E. she started aging. This is why she made her pacts with demons.


Now, Fallen Empires takes place on the continent of Sarpadia. Sarpadia is really fucking isolated on Dominaria's southern hemisphere. The important thing to note: the expansion itself is actually done from the perspective of scholars looking back on Sarpadia after its empires had already fallen. It's only about 60 years after the Sylex Blast destroyed Argoth and the climate is rapidly changing. There are five conflicts happening simultaneously happening, all within one color.

Red - Dwarves and Goblins
The Dwarves of the crimson peaks were wiped out by Goblins and Orcs. That's it. They were the first empire to fall and rightfully so perhaps! Dwarves kinda suck.

Blue - Vodalia and the Homarids
The vodalian Empire existed in the seas off of Sarpadia, they were fine doing whatever shit it is merfolk do. Growing kelp or whatever, when the Sylex Blast happened the world started cooling down. Since the oceans were growing colder, a race of crab men from Dominaria's antarctic waters migrated north and came into direct conflict with the Vodalians. The homarids sped up the fall of Sarpadia and in a last minute thing, their empress went through a time portal somehow what I don't even know and reappeared 3000 years later.

Black - The Order of the Ebon Hand and Thrulls
The Order of the Ebon Hand was a religious sect founded by Tourach. Now as with most black-aligned cults, people weren't happy with them! So they were at conflict with Icatia's Order of Leitbur. And to a lesser extent with another minor cult.

So, evil-ish orders need something evil to do right? Enter Endrek Sahr. Endrek Sahr created the Thrulls. Originally they're just used for slaves and sacrifice, but after seeing how useful they are they start making them as soldiers and wizards and Really there's no way this could have backfired for them! Thrull breeding culminated, somehow, with the Derelor, a horribly wasteful design for a group of people with a severe shortage of resources. Guess who just lost their "Being alive" privileges!

The thrulls eventually rebelled against the Ebon Hand, overwhelming them and finally wiping them out before spreading across Sarpadia.

Green - The Elves of Havenwood and the Thallids
So, in the changing climate, a lot of the native animals of Sarpadia started going extinct. This is bad news for the elves who like to eat animals so that they don't, you know, die. One particular druid notices that while plants and animals are disappearing, fungus is thriving. He, not unlike the Order of the Ebon Hand in a lot of ways, engineers a new species to serve as a food source for the elves, the Thallids. Now, to be clear, they aren't eating the thallids. They're eating the things the thallids shit out, Saprolings See here's the thing that somehow happened. The thallids started getting "not fungus" levels of intelligence. I.E. They figured out that pointy sticks stuck into the pointy eared guys that eat our poop makes them not move anymore and they leak delicious stuff all over the place! So the elves are like "Shit." And a schism splits between them; those that want to keep making thallids and the ones who are frankly disgusted by the entire thing. So eventually they were overrun, you see. Combat with fungi is hard. You cut em into little pieces and really you're just encouraging more to grow. Yeah. Towards the end the thallids started hanging in with the wrong crowds (goblins and thrulls) and they sort of caused the fall of Icatia.

White - Icatia
Icatia's internal struggle were with the Farrelite Cult. Oliver Farrel was an Icatian Priest who broke away from the Order of Leitbur because they weren't being as assholish to the Ebon Hand as he thought they should have been. Dude just wants to fuck up some people with different beliefs. So he's Glenn Becking the shit out of Icatians until Trokair falls and then he just flat out splits from Icatia as a whole. So what brought down Icatia? Goblins. Yeah.

Tev Loneglade's Story
Tev Loneglade lived during the Brothers' War on Sarpadia with his sister, Tymolin. Growing up, Tymolin was very protective of Tev as you have to be on Dominaria. Giant spiders all over the place and what not. Well one day Tev becomes a planeswalker! Shocking I know! So now Tev is fiercely protective of Tymolin and even gives her eternal youth. Awww. So one day they decide to go exploring, as planeswalkers are want to do. One of the places they explore is Argoth. . . . yeah.

So Tev is feeling pretty goddamned guilty about shit and basically just becomes a recluse. He's a bitter old man with absolute power who cares for nobody except Tymolin. Lovely! Tymolin, however, is still young. Eternal youth, remember? Tymolin's a little too busy to hang out with Tev though, however. Turns out she's got a thing for dwarves and hangs out with her stout lover, Kaylen. Now, Tymolin also sort of kind of did something, well: bad. She got a lil' somethin somethin on the side from a certain Icatian priest. Yeah, that one. Farrel. Now, if you'll recall, the dwarves were the first to fall. As tough as the lil buggers are, they just can't take being stabbed in the back and just shrug it off. This is especially true for Kaylen, the poor dead cheated on bastard. Tymolin is banished from the dwarven kingdom and was taken back in by Tev. Tymolin begs and pleads Tev to stop all the chaos but pff. Fuck that. He's too busy being a recluse.

One day traveling near Havenwood Tev and Tymolin are attacked by Farrellites. Tev takes care of their champion's mantle and Tymolin, figuring "oh shit, I could totally beat this whore's ass" goes after her. Farrellites retreat, Tymolin get separated, Tev swears angrily to himself. Tev really is pretty pissed that he was attacked and his intense hatred and bitterness even makes his appearance change from the ol' hermit to something a little more. . . demonic. Tev heads off looking for Tymolin and encounters an elvish scout being attacked by a thelonite druid and several thallids. Tev's sick of his "mope mope mope" existence and just flat out incinerates the thallids leaving the two elves to fight. Mostly out of anger but also to sort of make it fair, if those had been elves he'd probably have incinerated them too! Tev is pretty awesome.

So Tymolin eventually ends up in the hands of the Order of the Ebon Hand. Sure, why not. They use her as bait for a trap for Farrel because I guess everyone just happens to know they did the nasty? This sort of goes awry when Farrel stabs Tymolin. Harsh. Tev senses this and just fucking loses it. His form becomes full on "dragon with writhing tentacles beneath him" and he flat out incinerates everyone present! Hell yeah!

Outside of Montford, Tev vows he will seek silence. So of course the first thing you do is open a planar gate and dump the goblin and orcish forces on Icatia. Icatia manages to fend the attack off but in quick succession Icatia would fall to goblin and orcish attacks orchestrated by the now draconic planeswalker, Tevesh Szat.

--A note on Sarpadia's Thrull.--
Now here's something about Fallen Empires that I always found interesting: the ultimate victor? The thrulls. Creatures made from dead flesh and alchemy are the ultimate winners of this conflict. Part of the method to create them is scavenged Phyrexian technology, supposedly. Once Icatia fell, the goblins were wiped out by them. The orcs, pissing themselves like always, hid back in their caves and held out for a long time--until the thrulls developed mutations on their own for breaking into the caves. Very shortly after that the orcs were also wiped out. The ONLY other thing existing on Sarpadia with the thrulls are thallids, possibly because they're so similar. Possibly the only reason they aren't a scourge on Dominaria as a whole is their lack of imagination. During the Phyrexian invasion of Dominaria, Phyrexian shock troops found an insane resistance from the thrulls. Even Phyrexia thought "No. These things don't leave this place. Leave them alone. Do not engage. This could severely fuck us over."


Fallen Empires - Legendary Shit
Endrek Sahr - Sarpadian mage working for the Order of the Ebon Hand. Developed thrulls. Executed for his failures in his experimentation.
Thelon of Havenwood - Elvish druid from Havenwood. Developed the thallids as a food source to fend off food shortages. Probably killed by the Thallid hoards.
Empress Galina - Vodalian empress. Disappears into a time portal (what) and reappears thousands of years in the future.


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A HISTORY OF MAGIC ON DOMINARIA

So, believe it or not, magic wasn't always widespread on Dominaria. Especially among humans. Sure you had elves that had their woodfag bullshit tree magic and some dragons using innate magical bullshit powers, but really you didn't have much other than that! Even the Thran just sort of used powerstones for colorless mana that powered their artifacts.

The first Dominarian magic used by humans I can find was some broads out on Verdura. After that the nation of Zhalfir mastered its use prior to the Brothers' War which is pretty damned amazing! Later during the Brothers' War, the College of Lat-Nam was founded by the husband and wife Drafna and Hurkyll, (Hurkyll's the husband!) The school was instrumental in increasing magical knowledge on Terisiare. Shame that Mishra found out about them and sent some friends! However, thanks to Hurkyl and Drafna's vaporization of some of the fuckers, magic was shown to be fairly potent after all. Shame there was that whole explosion thing!

The Gathering Dark

Welcome to Dominaria's Dark Age. Once again we're on Terisiare. Yep. Deal with it.

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A fun thing is to compare that map to this map of Terisiare during the Brothers' War.  Note the location of the ruinses  Terisiare is hitting hard times, not unlike Sarpadia: the temperature is falling, farming is becoming a bitch of a task, and goblins are starting to overrun shit.

So who's the hero of The Dark? Maeveen O'Donagh maybe? She pops up in lots of flavor text in The Dark. Vervamon the Elder, maybe! No that's stupid. Our protagonist is someone who wasn't even mentioned on the cards until Planar chaos. Meet Jodah! Jodah's from a wealthy Terisiarian(anerian) family from the south. Wealthy farmin' folk. Well. Until the whole global cooling phenomenon that's been happening! Jodah's family sells the farm and Jodah goes and lives with an old wizard in the woods. The end!

Oh right, so Jodah is traveling as an apprentice to the red mage, Voska. Now as a reminder, mages at this time are kind of iffy, they don't have the vast archives of knowledge readily available to them. Voska's pretty good but mostly on a "shit check it out look what I can do" basis. So the two are sitting around a campfire one day and Voska's just kinda going off on a tangent again. "Maaaan, you know this magic shit is pretty trippy. Yuppp. Trippy as shit maaaaan. Hey here have my mirror." Jodah's just kind of going along with this because shit why not, Voska's a pretty cool guy. Suddenly they're surrounded and captured by something unexpected! The Church of Tal doesn't take too kindly to these fuckin' wizard folks doin' their horrible shit. It's even in the Book of Tal! "Suffer not a magician to live." It says. That's not me being cute. It legit says "Suffer not a magician to live." Hmm, how quaint. The two are condemned to death by Primata Delphine. She's a crazy, religious nut.

See, the Church of Tal is pretty—I can't think of a word but it's basically just the Catholic Church during Earth's Dark Ages. Very powerful on Terisiare but run by overzealous hypocrites. You see, the Church is pretty non-plussed on the whole Magic thing. It's kind of an abomination! Urza and Mishra were super powerful sorcerers (this is a lie) and look where that got us! Sister Betje and her fellow Miracle workers will perform their divine miracles and take care of those sorcerers!

So anyway! Jodah blinds the guards and the two get out. Voska tells em they should "split up, maaaan" and they do. They decide to meet up in the town of Ghed and if they don't meet up after a while go "find a group of secret wizards, maaaaaaaan." So Jodah's trying to get the fuck out of Alsoor but then he remembers "Shit! Towns have guards and patrols!" Jodah hides in an alley and encounters a silly, dirty little man. The Rag Man points out a fishmonger preparing to send its empty barrels to Ghed. How convenient! Jodah makes it to Ghed and pretty much just waits for Voska. SUDDENLY PLAGUE. The end!

Spotted Plague grips Ghed and Jodah's pretty much stuck there. So he gets a job delivering "remedies" for the plague stricken citizens. Jodah figures this is a GREAT time to practice some of his white magic and white mana's the shit out of the raw chicken eggs and hog piss he'd been delivering. Shit, son you done started healing people! YOU'VE DONE A GREAT THING HERE JODAH, YOU'VE HEALED THE HUDDLED MAS— oh shit the Church of Tal got your employer and branded her a heretic. God fuck you Jodah she was just a little old lady. Jodah gets in a skirmish with a lady mage (a womage, if you will) and then decides "Fuck it, I'm enlisting."

So a week after Jodah explains away the smell of weed, fish and hog piss on his clothes and gets a sword the plague is lifted. How convenient! Jodah your unit's been deployed. Pack your shit and get out. You see city-states like to fight over land and in this case Alsoor decided some shit that belonged to them should continue belonging to them. Alsoor and Ghed meet at Pitdown and are doing a pretty great job of killing each other, just super—well until an EXTREMELY large goblin force attacks both sides! Shit! Jodah is freaking the fuck out and in the confusion just fucking bolts, bleeding profusely from his leg and collapses in the forest. The end!

Jodah comes to eventually and staggers into the destroyed ruins of a town, finding only feral animals. No signs of actual destruction, just sort of. . . no people. Jodah finds the town square and astonishingly, finds a working fountain. Jodah examines the fountain when Rag Man appears again! Now if you thought THAT was shocking, there are also goblin patrols suddenly looking around! This is kind of like a stealth sequence in Zelda now! Jodah tries to hide in the Rag Man's lil hovel but has to make due with hiding in the fountain. Completely submerging himself when the goblins come close, the goblins hear movement from outside the square and hurry off to investigate. Jodah leaves the fountain and makes camp outside the village. There, he notes that his leg wound is fully healed. Hmmmm....

So the fucking deserter heads towards Alsoor, I guess trying to rescue Voska which is fucking stupid because who the hell lets heretics live that long? It's been a few months at this point. Jodah happens to find troops from both Alsoor and Ghed, apparently there's been a peace brokered thanks to the Church. Hooray! He also learns that Primata Delphine is in a church camp outside of Ghed—with a bunch of condemned prisoners. Jodah makes his way there and finds out that the lady mage he fought in Ghed is among the prisoners there. Our hero bribes his way into getting the position of guarding the mage and uses this chance to let in and interrogate her. Her name it turns out is Sima, and among the shit she tells him is Voska was executed. Bummer, dude. Jodah cuts Sima's manacles with some good ol' fashioned "infinitely thin blade of white mana" and frees her. Sima does the usual response in stories here "Let's get the fuck out!" and Jodah responds with the usual "We've got to save the prisoners!" And so they do! Jodah finds the command tent and sets some shit up and lights that mother up on their way out.

Sima and Jodah are about to escape on stolen horses when Delphine appears and a boss battle ensues. The two are tapped out and are facing a crazed cleric with a holy miracle sword of righteous fire she pulled out of a book. Jodah parries the shit with his own sword plus the mirror Voska gave him for some reason and it works exactly how you'd imagine: mirror reflects holy fire back at Primata Delphine, bitch lights up, Jodah and Sima flee. Level up! The two board a ship and are headed for the City of Shadows which is apparently the location of those secret wizards Voska rambled about.

While on the ship, Sima offers to teach Jodah some blue magic but fuck that, the two argue like motherfuckers. SUDDENLY MERFOLK! The ship begins to sink, Sima goes to save Jodah's mirror, meanwhile Jodah is in the water and blacks the fuck out. He wakes up with Rag Man in the face which is a hell of a way to wake up. The Rag Man pays the merfolk with a coral helm because merfolk can't get enough coral I guess. Turns out Rag Man paid the merfolk to raid the ship. Awww~~~ <3 Rag Man drags Jodah into a cave and he blacks out again, awakening at the Conclave of Mages. The End!

Jodah bangs on the door and gets let in but not IN in, if you know what I mean. Jodah has an interview with the artificer, Barl. Jodah gets in after a long bullshit test, hell yes! Wizard buddies at a school! Now get the fuck to work in the library. Your job is copying books, congrats. The school's leader, Mairsil, begins to take special notice of Jodah. See, a certain name popped up during his interview with Barl; Jodah's ancestor, Jarsyl. Jarsyl is the son of Harbin, that is, he's the grandson of Urza. Mairsil figures this out, he's pretty smart. Finally! A use for that Stone Calendar he had erected! You see, Mairsil, it turns out, is not a nice guy! He's trying to open a gate to Phyrexia. See, Mairsil seems to think, and this is pretty great, that Phyrexia will give him power! Ha ha! "They're such swell guys, they'll reward me for opening a new portal you see! And shit if they don't he can just trade Jodah for power! HE'S THE BLOOD OF URZA, LEVEL UP PLEASE." _{fucking idiot}.

Jodah's basically been tasked with experimenting and casting spells to open the gate but all he ever really manages to do is destroy Mairsil's ceiling. Mairsil is getting pretty tired of this shit and just tells him to go to bed. Guess who's there! Raggy! Rag Man pulls out a pretty cool looking sword and leads Jodah through a passage beneath the conclave. Dangling over a gigantic pit is a cage with a lunatic inside of it. Turns out Mairsil did some naughty things and that the cage's prisoner is the true founder of the conclave of mages: Ith. One day Mairsil snatched his ass up in a beartrap and put him in that cage, and was using Ith's own power. That mother FUCKER. Ith summoned the Rag Man to find someone who could free him. . . somehow.

So Jodah goes back to get his MAGICAL BEETLE WRITER PEN THING that was copying books and it turns out he left it on and it overheard Mairsil and Barl being evil wizards. Jodah's got a 100 problems but at least a bitch ain't one. Oh wait, Sima shows up and bullshits her way past Barl's interview. Barl figures this shit out like a day later and sequesters her off from Jodah. Mairsil decides "Fuck it, let em WIZARD FIGHT." And indeed they did! Except they were wearing masks because fuck. Jodah basically tears the fuck out of Sima but stops when he suddenly recognizes her mannerisms and probably also because he burned most of her clothes off and that's hot. Mairsil gets sick of this shit and decides to just end this shit now. Rag Man joins the party and Sima and Jodah head for Ith.

A summary of the next few events because they happen in the span of 20 minutes!
Ith is released. Ith is pissed and incinerates Rag Man. Ith charges up through the castle and just starts fucking shit up. Mages fight Ith. Ith fucks up mages. THE CHURCH OF TAL SUDDENLY ATTACKS. Mages fight Tal and Ith. Ith keeps fucking shit up. Mairsil and Primata fight. Mairsil pulls the "HURR HURR YOUR MIRACLES ARE WHITE MAGIC" card. Ith just fucking incinerates Primata and Barl. Jodah and Sima keep their heads the fuck down and are the smartest ones in the entire fucking building. Eventually Ith and Mairsil square off and Ith is just fucking wailing on Mairsil until Mairsil fires off a huge red spell. Jodah pops up suddenly and a lucky reflect from his mirror incinerates Mairsil, leaving a pile of charred ash and a ring. Jodah manages to talk Ith down and everybody's cool! Lot of charred ashes that were people at one time everywhere but everybody who matters is cool!

Ith decides to head out on a journey and offers to take Jodah along, but he declines to study at the City of Shadows. Ith is pretty awesome about it and teaches Jodah about the Safe Havens. "Now, young Jodah you are LEARNED IN THE WAYS OF THE PORTALS." And then he leaves. Jodah and Sima thrive at the City of Shadows. Also they are totally getting it on. Rock on, Jodah. Rock on, Ith.


LEGENDARY SHIT
Lord Ith - Powerful mage imprisoned in Barl's Cage. Escaped and fucked a lot of people up! Fun little trivia: Prerevisionist, Ith doesn't exist. Sort of. Jeff Grubb misread an attribution in flavor text (Barl, Lord Ith) and sort of kind of split Barl into two characters. Hence "Barl's Cage". Revisionistly speaking, Barl is the artificer who made the cage.
Tivadar of Thorn - A Knight from northeast Terisiare and leader of the Knights of Thorn. A survivor of the Battle of Pitdown, he really fucking hates goblins.

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A Brief Study of Planar Mechanics

Congratulations! You're a planeswalker! You've got the awesome ability to Walk the planes! What's that Stevey? You don't know what a plane is? Haha! You stupid kid! The gist of "what is a plane?" is that a plane is an entire universe. All the natural laws of that universe apply only to that plane, blah blah. For the most part, every plane we've been to so far have been Earth-like with a couple of exceptions. For the most part, the plane appears as just a regular planet (to us) but some planes have. . . different layouts. Planes are born and die constantly.

Most planes in the Multiverse are naturally formed planes with their own native life and laws of nature. However, Planeswalkers have the unbelievable capability to create planes. Artificial planes are distinct from natural planes in that they decay, they break down. Serra's Realm and Phyrexia were artificial planes. Mirrodin, is an artificial plane. _{It's unknown if artificial planes still have this quality since The Mending that altered the planeswalker's spark. They could potentially not decay as fast as they did or at all.}

For the most part, planes have fixed locations in the Multiverse, though a couple of them "wander" or possibly orbit others. Some are "closer" to others relatively, and can have effects on other planes near them. So what else is out in the Multiverse? Well, the space between planes is rather poetically called "The Blind Eternities." Remember in school when you'd learn about Greek mythology and some wiseass would ask what it was like prior to the gods making shit? That's basically what The Blind Eternities are; Primordial Chaos. That's not to say there is no "life" here. Myriad entities wander throught, wandering to and between the planes. Most of these are beings from the earliest parts of existence. So to answer your question: primordial chaos, Æther, eldritch beings of horror & puny little planeswalkers who happen to luck into being there.

"Planeswalking isn't about walking. It's about falling and screaming."
—Xantcha, Phyrexian outcast

Dominaria
Dominaria is a large plane populated by a menagerie of cultures. It's roughly twice the size of Earth and has two satellites, the natural Glimmer Moon. And the artificial Null Moon. Dominaria is a nexus in the Multiverse and cataclysms that occur there can have effects on other planes linked to it.

Dominaria's Ice Age

So all that global cooling that I've been mentioning since Fallen Empires has resulted in an Ice Age. Big fucking surprise, thanks a lot Urza. There is another effect from the Sylex Blast that's come into effect here. As if scabbing over to protect itself, Dominaria has sealed itself and eleven neighboring worlds off from the rest of the Multiverse. Planeswalkers cannot get in or out of The Shard of Twelve Worlds.

Ice Age actually has two storylines: One prerevision, one revision. Both still happen though! (Remember, unless it contradicts revision, prerevision is still canon.) So let's get a story the prerevision one going, it takes place before the other anyway so yeah! This story starts with a chase scene, the best kind of scene. A Johtull wurm chases after the shaman Oriel Kjeldos across the frozen wastes. Reaching the safety of the walls of the kingdom of Storgard. Now here's something I fucking hate about this period of Magic's story. They shoehorn so much crap from the cards into the thing just because "I dunno, cards." Case in point, the A Johtull wurm has a Balduvian Bear summoned to block it. Shortly after, a Dire Wolf and a Sabretooth Tiger are summoned to also block it. Now woo this is great, cards. I recognize these.

As Oriel reaches Storgard a young mage named Jason Carthalion is the first one out to help (and I assume is the one who sends the wolf, I honestly don't know.) Now, if his name doesn't sound familiar fuck you. Jason is a member of the Carthalion line. Carthalion, anything clicking? The line is a descendant of Carth, Dakkon Blackblade's lil' buddy. Small world! So, Jason's wolf, Oriel's bear and THE LEADER OF THE RUBY CLAN, ZILGETH's tiger all block the wurm. Hell yeah, 2/1, 2/2, 2/2 blocking a 6/6 that gets -2/-1 for each creature beyond the first! Battle over, on to the next main phase!

Except that the Wurm crushes the wolf to death instantly then continues killing the other two. Yup! So Jason is being instructed to TAP THE LAND AND CAST THE SPELL THAT HAS BEEN TAUGHT TO YOU by Oriel to IMPRISON THE BEAST. I have no idea what spell he's supposed to be casting. I really don't because he's a fucking green mage. Entangling Vines? Whatever. So ZILGETH, LEADER OF THE RUBY CLAN, tells Jason to step aside and "allow one who will soon walk the ether (sic) planes to finish this battle." He honestly says this. Remember that at this point, you could just train to become a planeswalker. (This is not how planeswalkers work.) So what super awesome spell does this awesome mage cast on the wurm? Flare. I don't know if he's a big final fantasy fan and thought it was super awesome nonelemental damage or what, but nope. He casts Flare. The wurm is like "Whoa dude, that almost fucking hurt, I know I'm technically a 2/4 right now but shit that hurt almost!" Storgard's militia starts stabbing the shit out of the wurm at this point because it totally didn't just smash a bear, wolf and tiger to death in front of them. Wurm crushes a lot of the fuckers! Zilgeth, LEADER OF THE RUBY CLAN, steps up with his whole "'sup, almost a planeswalker" attitude and casts Incinerate on the wurm. I guess his mp was too low and he took his whole Final Fantasy fanboyism to heart because this kills him. Yeah he sort of incinerates himself, the spoony fucker.

"Oh no! ZILGETH, LEADER OF THE RUBY CLAN, is burning before my eyes but I'm too shitty of a mage to save him!" Jason Carthalion shouts, not remembering he's a fucking green mage and that all he could really do is summon some kindling to throw on the fucker. Oriel just flat out says "Shut the fuck up, he killed the wurm. Now, check out this shit I got for the people not currently ashes or squishy piles of flesh and bone. You see, Storgard is the last bastion of civilization left on Terisiare! She's been on "walkabout" and hasn't found anyone else! She's had visions that tell her all these Glaciers are the result of supernatural warfare. That's. . . not entirely incorrect but also wrong, but whatever. Oriel tells King Miko (Yes, that's really his name) that they should get the fuck out! "We should totally head south," the lady says, "It's warm there, I guess?"

So King Miko freaks the fuck out in the "What the fuck, no!" type way. He flat out calls Oriel a blasphemous idiot and shit about honor. Yeah he is really saying "WE'RE GONNA KICK WINTER'S ASS WITH THESE SWORDS, YOU'RE WRONG. WIZARDS DIDN'T DO THIS." Meanwhile, he's fucking cold and surrounded by wizards. See, King Miko has a council of gemstone-themed wizards. Oriel is the leader of clan emerald. Her sister leads clan Onyx, and a Dwarf leads clan Sapphire. . . for some reason. And CLAN RUBY was formerly lead by ZILGETH, LEADER OF THE RUBY CLAN. "WE'VE LIVED BENEATH THIS PRECARIOUSLY PERCHED GLACIER FOR CENTURIES AND DAMNED IF I'M LEAVIN' NOW." Suddenly, Miko's court fire mage, Freyalise appears. "Fuck all y'all we ain't leaving. You all fucking suck at magic soooo" At this point it's pretty much case closed, fuck leaving, when Oriel gets a brilliant idea. "I've got this little jackass that can summon wolves, and then you've got your fire magic, Freyalise. Plus we have all of these artifacts so why not just use that?" Jason, meanwhile, being an emotional little fuck. See, Freyalise showed up in Storgard as an orphaned kid and they became friends! Then she became better at magic than him! This is a common thing in fantasy I've come to realize. Freyalise calls for the council to just vote. Freyalise votes against Oriel, Oriel's sister (who isn't very fond of Oriel) votes against her, and then the dwarf just flat out votes "No!". That's a direct quote. Oriel's feeling pretty bad that she's been voted out at tribal council.

So, there's also apparently a Clan Pearl. The leader of King Miko's military is their boss I guess. It's never really made clear what's going on with that. He's also cockeyed as shit. He's bitter about the whole Freyalise-Being-Made-Queen-Awesome and not him thing. His wife calls him a fucking idiot and agrees with Oriel. This is a really odd placement of this scene.

Back at Oriel's Temple whatever, she calls Jason a fucking pussy and to get his shit together. Something's the fuck up and only she apparently sees it. See, remember that whole Wurm that should have been fucking dead, thing? Yeah she realized that wurm should have been fucking dead. Oriel is the smartest person here, something demonic is happening behind the scenes.

So that night, King Miko goes into his royal shrine that nobody's allowed into. Anytime this shit is forbidden it's seldom a good thing. You see, the good King Miko has a gigantic stone statue in there. It's a rather large demonic figure, writhing tentacles for the lower body. The statue even talks! It tells Miko that Oriel is just causing shit to cause shit and that everyone else totally supports him. It's his duty to uphold the last of the Fallen Empires. This doesn't make sense what with the whole, Sarpadia thing, but. . . So Miko is like "I don't know, guy. You've been pretty awesome what with your tentacles and shit but." And the statue just flat out interrupts with "Yo, bitch. You need to make an example of that fucker."




Oh if you didn't figure it out, the statue is of Tevesh Szat. Surprise!

FIVE DAYS LAYER
Freyalise and Jason are on what I can only assume are the kingdom walls, having your standard talk. If you've ever seen this scene in ANY Fantasy-story. You know how it goes. Hurr hurr, It's been so long. Durr durr, do you remember when we were children. bleh blah bleh. SUDDENLY, AN EXPLOSION AT HOUSE EMERALD. Sixteen are dead, which is really specific they tell us that for no reason. The Onyx and Sapphire clans are accused of this shit but Oriel tells her clansmen to cut it out. Shit happens and rioting breaks out! Freyalise calls Jason to help stop the riot, I guess because a red mage stopping a riot is. . . yeah. Jason casts some sort of green spell that stops the fuckers in their tracks. Foxfore maybe? I have no idea. It's just a blinding flash of green. Freyalise meanwhile just melts the permafrost from under them into mud. Great job. The king comes out, calls them all assholes and tells them to knock it the fuck off. The leader of Clan Pearl claims that this shit needs to end by contest and throws out the idea of a duel with swords! King Miko replies with "Maaaaan, swords is whack. We got fucking magic, we're gonna fucking do magic, Stupid."

So of course this results in Freyalise and Jason being in a fight to the death. Really now, did you think this was gonna go any other way? Oriel gives Jason some kickin' equipment and tells him to go kill his childhood friend and hurry up she's fucking cold. So out on the Tundra, Freyalise and Jason meet. (It really emphasizes TUNDRA so I can only assume they were trying to make a nod to the card.) Freyalise launches a fire barrage, Jason dodges with "GREEN." He summons "a creature whose BITE is more LETHAL than any Worm's". Suddenly this happens! And Jason, Freyalise and the spider (who is named Seklistis for some reason) are thrown back at town! Tevesh Szat apparently did it!

So the two are STILL FIGHTING FOR SOME REASON ON THE HIGHEST POINTS OF STORGARD AFTER A HURRICANE THREW THEM THERE AND NOW CONTINUES TO TEAR AWAY AT THAT PRECARIOUS GLACIER. Oriel: Still the only smart one. Freyalise summons a wolverine named Klanon (for some reason) and it kills the spider. Oh no! IT seems that their fighting cause the glacier to fall. THEY'RE STILL FIGHTING. Freyalise does some bullshit with lava. Meanwhile Szat tells Jason to tap him which. . . eew. Jason resists him but oop, the bridge they were on already collapsed. Freyalise falls to her death. Oh no~~~~ Except, she ascends! Hooray! And she swears off red magic for. . . some reason. Clans Pearl and Emerald leave Storgard for the south. King Miko gives them a staff that apparently repels Johtull Wurms. Why the King fucking has this and not the people that actually go out WITH THE WURMS I don't know. Whatever. END PART 1.

GENERATIONS LATER
It seems Oriel Kjeldos has a city named after her now, Kjeld. You know, the one in Kjeldor. It's full of Kjeldorans. There, you have a card game name you can recognize now.


LEGENDARY SHIT
Jarkeld, the Arctic Fox - Kjeldoran general. Killed in battle at the Adarkar Wastes.
Márton Stromgald - Kjeldoran general. Namesake for the Knights of Stromgald but is unrelated! Long dead.  Reanimated by Lim-Dûl later on. 
Merieke Ri Berit - A human temptress. Inspired by this poem.
Skeleton Ship - A ship made of (?) skeletons and crewed by skeletons (?). I have no idea why it's legendary but that dolphin seems to be thrilled by it. Also there are skeletons riding flying sea turtles holy shit I want to go see that Skeleton Ship guys it seems like such a fun time.


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Chronicles

A Couple of Bullshit Stories from Prerevision
Just sit tight I got shit to get out of the way before I can do more actual expansions.

<sub>A list of shit that has happened so far!
Oldest Shit
-The Dragons War-
Across multiple worlds, the Elder dragons are at war. Nicol Bolas and his siblings (plus a cousin) and their offspring are the ultimate victors. Their bloodlines eventually lead to Dominaria's dragons, drakes, wurms and viashino.

-5000ish years later</sub>
-The first planeswalker battle on Dominaria-
Nicol Bolas battles a demonic leviathan at Madara. The battle is so cataclysmic that Madara is only a third of its former size in the aftermath and Dominaria's time stream itself was damaged. The remains of the leviathan become Madara's Talon Gates, Bolas's most prized trophy.
<sub>-Sivitri Scarzam's story takes place in Corondor.
-Rabiah refracts 1000 times.
-Taysir ascends.
-On the plane of Ravnica, the Guildpact is signed.
-On the plane of Lorwyn, The queen of the fae begins the cycle of perpetual day-perpetual night
-The plane of Alara is shattered into five shard worlds by an unknown entity.
-The dragon Primevals rule Dominaria.
-Serra's Realm is created.

-10,000ish years later
-The Thran Empire is created on Dominaria.
-Creation of Phyrexia/Fall of the Thran empire.
-Dominaria's Null Moon enters orbit.
-On the plane of Mercadia, Mercadia city founded by Thran descendants thanks to planeswalker meddling.

-LATER STILL
--Dakkon Blackblade, Sol'Kanar and Geyadrone Dihada's stories.

-Sarpadian empire of Vodalia, Jamuraan nation of Zhalfir and the Sheoultun Empire on Aerona founded. The Sheoultun Empire would eventually become the state of Benalia.
-Zhalfir masters magic.

-5000 years after the Thran Empire
--The Brothers' War
-The Shard of Twelve Worlds begins to form.
-On the plane of Kamigawa, the planar boundaries are disrupted, allowing Daimyo Konda to commit the sin that begins the Kami War
-The plane of Ravnica's planar boundaries are disrupted, the spirits of the dead linger on the plane.

-The Dark Ages
-Urza's grandson Jarsyl discovers a gate to Phyrexia.
-Sarpadia's empires fall one by one.
-Tev Loneglade ascends, becoming Tevesh Szat.
-150 years later- The necromancer Nevinyrral uses a relic in Urborg. Urborg-Bogardan war abruptly ends for obvious reasons. Urborg changes from verdant rainforest to fetid swamp.
-100 years later - Lord Ith is imprisoned by Mairsil
-20 years later - The events of The Gathering Dark.
-Tivadar's Crusade

-Dominaria's Ice Age begins</sub>
-Jodah's wife, Sima, dies. Jodah starts losing his shit and starts to go mad. Saves his sanity by using his mirror to backup his memories, wipe his mind, then regain the memories from the mirror with no emotional attachment. He does this every 100 years.
-This next part!

Taysir Gets Some Action
So, last we saw Taysir, he ascended and successfully managed to get locked out of his homeplane without having a key under a rock outside. So what else is he gonna do? Taysir wanders the planes for a couple centuries before coming across a specific one, Dominaria. Now Dominaria at this time is still pretty awesome and full of mana. Hell it's only had one apocalypse at this point!

Taysir explores the plane and at one point explores a continent we're familiar with: Teri— Oh. No. It's Corondor this time. Shit, finally. Taysir encounters a native planeswalker of the area, Kristina of the Woods. Kristina's pretty awesome; innocent, loves nature, all around a swell gal. Taysir falls for her and for the first time since dealing with sorceress bitch back on Rabiah he doesn't feel homesick. Kristina and Taysir are a thing. Awwwww

Now here's a thing that happened shortly after Taysir arrived: The Shard formed. So now he's not only banned from Rabiah, he's stuck in The Shard of Twelve Worlds. Fucking. Great. So the two are all lovey dovey and explore all twelve planes of the Shard. They do the standard thing planeswalkers do (meddling) and become heroes to several civilizations and just fall more in love. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Eventually, though. Taysir comes to realize that Kristina is really good at her magic, and that she could potentially get him back into Rabiah. Lovey Dovinesss slowly becomes lovey "hey you should totally use your powers to get me back into Rabiah." Back to the timeline!

_{-Some events of Urza's Saga, Phyrexia is involved.
-2000 years after the ice age began - Storgard falls. Freyalise ascends as a planeswalker. Kjeldor founded on Terisiare.
-On the Dominarian continent of Aerona, Keld is founded.}

-The Summit of the Null Moon
So after a couple thousand years of ice and being stuck in the Shard, some planeswalkers are getting sick of the shit and try to find a way out. The planeswalker Faralyn invites a group of other planeswalkers to the Null Moon to try to figure out a way out of this problem. His spellsquire (a fancy word for apprentice, remember the whole planeswalkers can be trained up thing that's fucking stupid.) Ravidel and his friend Chromium Rhuell are also there.

The others in attendance are the planeswalker Freyalise, Taysir of Rabiah, Kristina of the Woods, Tevesh Szat, and Leshrac Nightwalker. Now, all of these should be at least slightly familiar to you at this point except Leshrac. Leshrac is bad-fucking-news. Chromium doesn't like that Leshrac is here! Chromium lunges at Leshrac with Ravidel literally holding him back like he was just a drunken friend and not an elder dragon. Faralyn tells Chromium to mellow out, petty shit doesn't need to get brought up here. The petty shit he's referring to? Leshrac summoned his brother in a planeswalker duel and he was killed (by Kristina). Leshrac tells them to deal with it and hurry the fuck up, he's got shit to do. Tevesh Szat similar has shit to do and is pretty offended that Chromium and Ravidel—who are not planeswalkers—are there and frankly Faralyn doesn't have the best record of not meddling with people's shit. But then Tevesh Szat complaining about that is. . . yeah.

"Check it y'all I'm legit, these two dudes and also Freyalise totally helped me figure out this whole Shard bullshit" says Faralyn. "I mean I'm pretty tired of just killing people and meddling. Shit's boring, son. I got a way out, yo." Leshrac lunges on this and basically demands "GIVE IT TO ME. TELL ME NOW. GIVE IT, FAG." Leshrac does this. He's a complete ass. Faralyn tells him to check himself before he wrecks himself. Leshrac withdraws to the corner with Tevesh Szat and they do their own little thing. You see, these two know something the others don't: a wandering plane is moving through the shard, soon. Moreover, they're wondering why Faralyn brought "so many." Hmmm. . .

Freyalise isn't dumb, though. She even brings up that everyone there except Taysir and Kristina have some sort of shit with each other. Kristina's pretty fine with the idea of working together though! Innocent as hell, that girl. Taysir thinks teamwork could work, but Leshrac and Tevesh Szat are Leshrac and Tevesh Szat. So. Yeah. Leshrac and Tevesh Szat, from the corner, both tell him to mind his own fucking business why they're there. Hmmm. . .

Faralyn tries to psych Taysir into it by bringing up the "You wanna go back to Rabiah, right?" angle. And the "This would end the ice age, Freyalise." angle. He also plays the "Leshrac and Szat, why are you powerful fuckers happy just ruining shit up on twelve worlds" play, the smooth fucker. So suddenly Chromium blasts Leshrac with dragonbreath. Wait. Shit. Leshrac dodges, tells the fucker he missed. Turns out he hit Tevesh Szat. Tevesh Szat responds by killing Chromium fucking dead. Ravidel cries out like a little bitch that his buddy is dead, and Taysir literally says this. I swear to god. "By the Djinns of Erhnam! Suleiman protect us!" He actually says this. He starts weaving a circle of protection before Leshrac just says "No" and entangles Kristina and Taysir in magic cord bullshit and sends them and himself to a/the Nether Void.

Freyalise reacts with the understandable "What the fuck did you do that for?" Suddenly Tevesh Szat taps her on the shoulder and is all "'sup, what you wanna do." Freyalise doesn't want to endanger Ravidel for whatever reason and the two travel to the Adarkar wastes. Freyalise still has some anger about the whole Storgard thing. Tevesh Szat hits her with Psychic Venom and gloats about shit. You see, Faralyn's plan was flawless: a planeswalker dies, and they have enough energy from the life force to crack the shard! Tevesh Szat, Leshrac and Faralyn escape to Shandalar and conquer it and its mana-rich lands. Oh no!

MEANWHILE IN THE NETHER VOID, Leshrac states how fun it is to cast spells in the nether void and he's lucky he packed a Mana Matrix. Taysir's circle of protections are starting to fail when Kristina gets a brilliant idea! Cast Shatter on the matrix. Taysir puts two and two together and he uses Kristina's energy to power up his Karma to defeat Leshrac. Leshrac reeling, Kristina casts Tranquility to get them out of the Nether Void. I really fucking hate how they shoehorn this shit in. I really do.

Freyalise manages to planeswalk from Dominaria to Azoria. Azoria is a plane of endless ocean with a few islands. It has no sentient life, yet. Tevesh follows her in time to see her cast Tsunami. Yes, that's right. Freyalise just obliterated all the islands on a plane, killing everything on it. PLANESWALKERS: NO SENSE OF BEING CUNTS OR NOT. It turns out all of Tevesh Szat's blue mana sources were Azorian islands. Tevesh Szat is a fucking idiot.

Suddenly, as Taysir and Kristina reappear, Faralyn uses the essence from Chromium's life force and manages to break through the shard. Faralyn escapes to Shandalar. Leshrac calls to Tevesh Szat, telling him to hurry the fuck up because Faralyn just fucking played them. Ravidel attacks Leshrac from behind only to eat a Fire Covenant to the dome. Kristina cries for Ravidel, not understanding why Leshrac would possibly attack someone acting out of friendship! He was a student of the plains, even! Leshrac tells her to piss off in much more elegant words before telling Szat to head on through with him, He's got some shit to take care of on Shandalar. Szat has unfinished business on Dominaria, though.

So Kristina and Taysir bring Ravidel back to life. Yeah they just bring him back to life. You can't fucking do that. Ravidel takes it well! Cute. Meanwhile Freyalise is back on Dominaria, burnt to fuck and back. Story over!

Legendary Shit
Nicol Bolas - I hope now you see that "Dominaria's most ancient evil" is an incredibly accurate moniker.
Chromium Rhuell - Brother of Nicol Bolas, killed at the Summit of the Null Moon.

What, that's it? (God bless the comics, you really don't need to know shit about them, but believe it or not they do come back in a really fucking stupid way.)

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How Summoning Creatures Works

Summoning creatures is pretty much exactly like casting spells except that you pull whatever the fuck it is out of the Æther. So, how do you figure that stuff out? Well! The first way is the obvious way: make shit up*. Another way is the way prerevision treats it: You are literally just teleporting someone or something TO you to fight. This is still technically a way to do things, just calling local beasts to help you, etc. Of course some are rituals to call Big scary dudes.

The most common method though is tagging beasts and summoning them as copies. For sentient creatures you're generally seeing something similar: summoning magical copies of generic soldiers, etc. (Elspeth's specialty as a mage is summoning humanoids.) Of course you could just zombify something, too

Which brings us to a sketchy type thing: Legendary individuals. A Legendary creature you've summoned is basically just a copy that you've put even more work into: It's got its memories and everything and is basically exactly that person.

*This actually brings up a strange question in and of itself, illusions are. . . illusions. Here's the answer to that:

Brady Dommermuth posted:

Your question reminds me of a random magazine article title that has stuck with me for twenty-odd years: “Illusions Can Kill If Used With Skill, But Fake Healing Is Only a Feeling.” Or maybe it was in the text of an article, not the title. Anyway, to your question: Yes, you’ve detected that “illusion” functions a little oddly in Magic. Most creatures with the Illusion type don’t look illusory in any way – they look fully real and tangible. Somewhere along the line, probably as a result of the way illustrations were turning out, “illusion” started to mean “magically created illusion, or really weird blue aligned creature, likely of a magical (rather than natural) origin.” In other words, they hurt you the same way any “natural,” flesh-and-blood creature would; they have some kind of material form, even if only briefly, that can inflict very nonillusory harm.

_{"I thought you said it was just an illusion!"
"I didn't say it wasn't dangerous."}

So how do artifacts work? You're basically crafting them. Simple as that. The actual casting can be seen as turning them on/shaping them/enchanting them whatever the fuck you want.

Lands, then! Playing a land is forming a connection with the land to draw mana from it if you need it. Legendary Lands are usually localized places that either can't provide much mana or some greedy asshole is absorbing it all from. Lands that you'd think would be legendary but aren't generally can just support a lot more mana bonds than the one.

So finally Planeswalkers. Planeswalkers are the easiest one to see: you're calling a buddy to give you a hand. That's about it! Chandra's not going to stick around very long if you're letting her get kicked around by beasts and shit!

The Eternal Ice

Still on Terisiare! It's changed a little since the Dark ages though:

1560x1065

_{Not seen: Lim-Dûl's keep is at Tresserhorn. If you were to compare this to previous maps this is also where the Monastery of Gix was. (!!!!) You can also see that ruins will still sync up to Brothers War era cities, it's a nice touch!.}

So let's start out a long fucking time ago because why not. A Kjeldoran soldier under Márton Stromgald was sent with his unit to wipe out some goblins. Hey guess what, the goblins are much stronger than they thought! The lone soldier escapes from a blizzard by ducking into some ruins there he finds a ring. The ring grants him a lot of magical power believe it or not! The soldier begins constructing a keep here at these ruins, good place to dig up some bodies, reanimate 'em. Probably become an evil enemy to the Kjeldoran assholes who sent you after those goblins and DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT THE WOLVERINES. WHO DOES THAT, REALLY?! And really it's a sweet gig! Change your name to Lim-Dûl, be a necromancer, have a badass keep. I mean the Kjeldorans aren't going to give a shit at all as long as they're worried about those dirty Balduvian scumbags sneaking across their borders illegally. (Granted when they do they're usually raiding, killing and smashing shit.)

Let's skip ahead a few years now, okay! Jodah wakes up in Tresserhorn, Lim-Dûl's keep. What? Yeah that Jodah. The one from The Dark. He's understandably quite confused as well! His memory's pretty hazy and frankly he's not sure what the hell is going on. Lim-Dûl pops in a says, "Hey s'up Jodah. I summoned you. I sorta kind of control you so do what the piss I say or you're totally getting unsummoned, guy!" Jodah really doesn't think he'd like to be unsummoned so he just gets to work studying things for Lim-Dûl. Strange things, really. Things like a rogue plane. Ways to kill planeswalkers. Those sort of things. A few weeks are spent there just doing things under the constant threatening of being unsummoned when Jodah meets Márton Stromgald! Wait, Márton Stromgald's been dead for a long while now. Turns out Lim-Dûl keeps people around as zombies. Señor Stromgald tells Jodah that Lim-Dûl only summons people he really friggin' hates. Jodah I can only imagine feels pretty frowny-face at this. :(

So one day Jodah gives his report to Lim-Dûl and afterward just kinda sticks around and realizes why he's been tasked with these weird studies. You see, a while back someone took notice of Lim-Dûl's nice little undead army: Leshrac. Leshrac is basically pulling all the strings here; he gave Lim-Dûl even MORE power than his mysteriously acquired ring but mostly because Leshrac needed him to do some shit. "Your job is raise an undead army. That's it. Don't fuck it up. Do NOT fuck it up. Do you hear me, jackass? DO NOT FUCK THIS UP" is about the gist of their exchange. So Leshrac manages to find out about Lim-Dûl's OTHER pursuit aside from Shandalar. "Hey guess what you stupid little fuck. I gave you ONE THING TO DO. DO THAT. P.S. You have horns now." And indeed he did. "Seriously, when I get back you had best be doing nothing except BUILDING AN ARMY OF UNDEAD. THAT'S IT. And so Leshrac hopped into his truck and left Lim-Dûl to do the SINGLE THING HE TOLD HIM TO DO and also I guess look at accessories to compliment his new horns.

So a few more days go by, pretty uneventful. I imagine the zombie minions raised the door frames around Tresserhorn, but that's it. SUDDENLY, Miss awesome, Jaya Ballard somersaults through a window. "Jodah cut it the fuck out! You're not summoned you're just drugged, idiot." So she backflips out the window with him and drags him to one of his Safe Havens. Jodah immediately starts to lose his shit inside the cave. I should explain what's happened in the past. . . . 2500 years. Now if you recall, Jodah hid in a fountain when he was a soldier. That fountain was the fountain of youth. So after Jodah and Sima's Bogus Journey, Sima and Jodah thrived at the City of Shadows. Jodah eventually presides over the school (which eventually changes names and becomes The School of the Unseen as the Archmage Eternal. Why is he Archmage "Eternal?" Well, Jodah doesn't age. He does but, not really at all. As time goes on all of his friends and colleagues eventually die of old age. When Sima goes he just utterly loses his shit in mourning. Every 100 years Jodah backs up his memories in his mirror, wipes his mind then regains his memories with no emotional attachment to them. He does to preserve his sanity.

Now back to the present and to what happened! Jodah is just freaking the fuck out in the safe haven when Jaya just calls Freyalise for help. Yeah, see in the past, Jaya helped out the Elder Druid, Kolbjörn and got an amulet that could call Freyalise. Handy to have but I'm sure if you use it too much she'll obliterate all of your islands like a cunt. So Freyalise shows up all "Didn't do his stupid mirror trick, huh?" Jaya has no idea what the fuck she's talking about until Freyalise tells her to go get Jodah's stupid little mirror. "P.S. You owe me now, so I get dibs on his mirror."

So Jaya begrudgingly travels to Krov, Ughhhhhhing all the way. It seems that the one who has Jodah's mirror is Gustha Ebbasdotter, Kjeldoran royal mage extraordinaire. So Jaya, having grown up on "da streets" easily breaks in and absconds with the mirror. While she's there she overhears that it was Gustha and her cousin Gerda Äagesdotter were the ones who sold Jodah to Lim-Dûl. Turns out they were jealous of his Archmage Eternal status! Later, Jaya somersaults through a window at one of Krov's garrisons and meets her friend Belenda, a skyknight. She scores an aesthir and scores a ride back to the Balduvian encampment that Jodah's being I guess restrained at. In return for their whole "keeping him from clawing his eyes out" thing, the Balduvians want help from Jodah defeating Lim-Dûl. Jodah agrees to help but really he can't do shit by himself. Jodah and Jaya head to Krov to try to get King Darien to form an alliance with Balduvia. Hey that's the name of the next expansion!

So Jaya and Jodah get to Krov and Jaya gets arrested. Yeah, she broke and entered remember? It's cool Jodah springs her from jail, it's a perk of the whole Archmage Eternal thing. Gotta get me them digs. Jaya heads off to do some snooping and discovers three key things: the people coming in from the hinterlands are fleeing undead hordes. The Kjeldorans think that the Balduvians are still the bigger threat and there's a military coup being planned for Kjeldor by Avram Garrisson and the Knights of Stromgald. Wait. That last one is extra bad! Jaya somersaults through a window, alerting Jodah, Gustha and the Kjeldoran second-in-command, Varchild, to this! Coup foiled!

Yeah, guess who was behind that shit! Lim-fucking-Dûl was manipulating the Knights of Stromgald to just sort of nix Darien from the "being-alive" equation. Darien rightfully takes full on martial law of Kjeldor. Fuck yeah! The problem: a lot of his commanders splintered off and joined Lim-Dûl. See, when he inspired that coup he gave them all some whiskey. Poisoned whiskey. They all toasted the coup, died and became zombies. Hey, he's a necromancer. S'what he does. The plus side of this? The Kjeldorans realize "oh fuck, the local necromancer is FAR worse than those dirty foreigners. It only took DECADES OF NECROMANCY, ROVING UNDEAD HORDES AND ATTACKS FROM HIM to realize this!" Darien and the Balduvian chieftain, Lovisa forge that alliance, son!.

During all this, a certain Soldevi machinist reports to Jodah that his kooky weather contraption whatever the fuck it is is reporting that the Ice Age is actually getting colder!. It's been getting colder for about 3000 years now at this point. THREE-THOUSAND-YEARS. Of ALL people I'm sure JODAH, THE ARCHMAGE ETERNAL, is aware of this you fucking grease monkey. While this is happening Jodah gets a call on his wizard cell phone amulet whatever the fuck it is. Freyalise showed up at the School of the Unseen. Just sorta popped in "Hey, I'm gonna take some of your shit, is that cool? Gotta use some shit for some other shit!" There's a key difference between revision and prerevision Freyalise if you haven't noticed. Revision Freyalise is fucking nuts. Jodah screams into his phone amulet "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LET HER IN. IF YOU FOR SOME REASON LET HER IN ALREADY DON'T GIVE HER ANYTHING. IF SHE TRICKS YOU INTO GIVING HER ANYTHING BREAK IT FIRST. SO HELP ME GOD." He turns to Gerda and basically just goes "Hey you wanted to be archmage? Guess what you're in charge now. I hope to god it's as bad for you as it has been for me these past few months."

So a few months later, after tons of battles against Lim-Dûl's hordes, Kjeldor, Balduvia (and also Jodah and Jaya) begin their assault on Tresserhorn. Jaya right off the bat is facing off against her buddy Belenda who's now a goddamned Zombie. Shame, that. Avram "Zombie Knight" Garrisson is also there and manages to distract Gustha long enough that she gets eaten by zombies. What a shitty fucking wizard. While all this is going on Jodah squares off against Lim-Dûl himself. "HEY FUCKER, ITH'S NOT GONNA SAVE YOU THIS TIME." Wait, what? Yeah remember that mysterious magical ring? Yeah that's Mairsil's ring. Guess who is in control of Lim-Dûl! Yeah, it was Mairsil the whole fucking time. So the two fight until they're exhausted when Lim-Mairsil pulls his trump card. He calls Leshrac.

So Leshrac arrives! And frankly, well, he loses his shit! "Oh this had better be good I was with Tevesh Szat and sh— Oh what in the fucking fuck did you do. WHAT PART OF 'BUILD AN UNDEAD ARMY' DO YOU NOT GET. THIS IS NOT THAT. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF THAT. YOU LITTLE BITCH. LOOK, THAT ONE'S BURNING THEM TO CINDERS. SWEET FUCK, ONE TASK. THAT'S ALL. I EVEN GAVE YOU HORNS TO GET THIS INGRAINED IN YOUR HEAD AND YOU FUCKED IT UP. So while this is happening, Leshrac rips Lim-Dûl's hand off. The one with the Mairsil ring. He doesn't stop there! Leshrac just starts literally tearing Lim-Dûl into pieces, keeping him alive the entire time, and wads him into a ball of flesh. Yeah he's a meatball now! "GET IN THE FUCKING TRUCK, WE'RE GOING TO SHANDALAR AND YOU ARE GOING TO TRY THIS AGAIN. Man, TEVESH SZAT AND FARALYN ARE GOING TO BE PISSED. And so Jodah is left standing on the battlefield, understandably confused at what just happened, as the undead horde around him just sort of falls down and dies. Jaya takes the ring from a severed hand. Suddenly Freyalise pops in! "Hey Jodah, we're goin' to Fyndhorn. C'mon this is gonna be awesome." And they go to Fyndhorn!

So they arrive in Fyndhorn, Jodah and Freyalise and there's a huge gathering of druids and elves. Hell Kristina of the Woods is there, too! "Hey Jodah check it out, I'm gonna end the ice age." Jodah questions how and the answer is "Yeah I'm gonna make another sylex blast-type explosion. It'll be great." I guess Freyalise is trying to blast Dominaria FROM hell this time. Jodah, quite rightly, points out that the last one sort of ruined civilization for about 5000 years. This is where Jodah comes in, Freyalise is gonna have Jodah open all of the safe havens on Terisiare and use them as a sort of dispersal unit/heat sink for the kickass explosion she's about to cause. She snags Jodah's mirror, puts it in an Ice Cauldron and frankly the most kickass explosion ever happens. Like, you know the art on safe haven? Imagine molten rock and fire erupting from the all simultaneously. This happens and it's AWESOME.

So Freyalise does it, she casts the World Spell and abruptly ends Dominaria's ice age and unshards the Shard of Twelve Worlds.

Freyalise hands Jodah his mirror back and planeswalks the fuck away. Now, basically every planeswalker on Dominaria leaves. Think about that. All of the planeswalkers. LEAVE. Jodah and Jaya realize that the mages are the strongest magic users on the plane. This could be. . . interesting.

Oh. Meanwhile, Jahuel Carthalion drives Tevesh Szat to Shandalar using the Amulet of Quoz. But that's a much stupider story and most of it doesn't even happen.

The end!

Legendary Shit
Ib Halfheart - An amusingly stupid goblin, no storyline significance.
Jaya Ballard - A task mage whose wit burns as much as her spells. Ally of Jodah. Fought against Chaeska in the final battle against Lim-Dûl. After the World Spell, leads a group of mages trying to prevent Kelsinko from being flooded.
Lim-Dûl - Originally a Kjeldoran soldier under Márton Stromgald. Finds a magic ring and becomes evil! Gets even more magic power from Leshrac! Fucks up though and gets turned into a meatball and taken to Shandalar.
Márton Stromgald - Kjeldoran general and hero. Long dead, now a zombie for Lim-Dûl!
Saffi Eriksdotter - An amusingly doomed scout, no storyline significance.

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The Part Before the Story Summary Where I Explain Something Else.
Hey, how about just a recap of all the fucking important people so far?

<sub>--Things--
The Brothers' War - Conflict between the artificer brothers, Urza and Mishra. Pretty much the cause of most of the Multiverse's bullshit problems.
Golgothian Sylex - Mysterious artifact found in Ronom Glacier. Terifying destructive power.
Shard of the Twelve Worlds - Result of the Sylex Blast. Dominaria and 11 other worlds sharded off from the rest of the Multiverse. Undone by the World Spell.
Spark - The soul of a Transformer. Also the latent power that allows one to become a planeswalker.
Sylex Blast - Great explosion that obliterated Argoth and sharded twelve worlds off from the rest of the universe.
The Thaw - Result of the World Spell. Also called The Flood Age. Period of rapidly rising temperatures and melting after Dominaria's Ice Age.
World Spell - Spell cast by Freyalise. Basically just an even MORE gigantic explosion. Unsharded Dominaria and the other 11 worlds.

--Planeswalkers--
Dakkon Blackblade - Dominarian planeswalker sort of kind of. Originally a blacksmith from Corondor. In servitude to Geyadrone Dihada. Will never be important again.
Faralyn - Organized the Summit of the Null Moon. Evil jackass. Doing some evil shit on Shandalar right now.
Freyalise - Dominarian, half-elf planeswalker. Grudge against Tevesh Szat. Goddess to the elves of Llanowar and Fyndhorn.
Geyadrone Dihada - Demonic (?) planeswalker of unknown origin. Was a tremendous cunt to people on Dominaria then left. Will pop up again for like a minute.
Kristina of the Woods - Dominarian planeswalker from Corondor. Naive as fuck. Gettin' nailed by Taysir.
Leshrac Nightwalker - Dominarian planeswalker. Evil as fuck. Plotted with Tevesh Szat and Faralyn
Nicol Bolas - Dominarian. Elder Dragon off doing his own shit right now.
Taysir of Rabiah - Rabian planeswalker. Powerful as fuck. Banned from his homeplane by a sorceress bitch. Nailin' Kristina.
Tevesh Szat - Dominarian planeswalker from Sarpadia. Bitter about his sister's death, wants to silence Dominaria forever. Working with Leshrac and Faralyn on Shandalar.
Urza Planeswalker - Dominarian planeswalker from Teri— You know what? Fuck you. You know where the fuck Urza's from and shit. Goddamn. Oh yeah, he's a planeswalker now. Spoilers.

--Not Planeswalkers--
The Carthalion Line - A bloodline of heros starting with Carth, Dakkon Blackblade's buddy. So far we've seen Jason and Jahuel.
Jodah - Protagonist of The Dark, Ice Age and Alliances. Descendant of Urza. Awesome mage, really. Oh also he doesn't age.
Lim-Dûl - Former Kjeldoran soldier. Gained Necromantic powers from a magic ring then more from the planeswalker Leshrac. Colossal fuck up, taken to Shandalar with Leshrac.
Mairsil, the Pretender - Evil wizard from Terisiare's dark ages. Enemy of Jodah. Consciousness lives inside of a magic ring (the one Lim-Dûl found)

--Planes--
Azoria - Plane of endless ocean. Had its life and islands all destroyed by Freyalise just to defeat Tevesh Szat. Cunt.
Dominaria - Nexus of the Multiverse. Main plane for magic storyline for 10 fucking years.
Phyrexia - Artificial plane comprised of nine spheres nested inside one another. Home of Yawgmoth and his abominations.
Rabiah - Arabian Nights land. Refracted into 1001 copies.
Shandalar - Rogue plane that wanders throughout the Multiverse. Rich with mana.

--Places--
Argoth - Island of Dominaria. Island paradise off of Terisiare. Obliterated in the Sylex Blast.
Balduvia - Nation on Terisiare during Dominaria's Ice Age.
Corondor - Continent on Dominaria. There is nothing you care about here, I swear to god.
Fyndhorn - Forest region of southeastern Terisiare during the Ice Age. Flooding during the Thaw.
Kjeldor - Nation on Terisiare during Dominaria's Ice Age.
Koilos - Terisiare site of an ancient Thran city and a gate to Phyrexia. Where Urza and Mishra found their powerstones.
Krov - Kjeldoran City in southern Terisiare. Plague stricken during the Thaw.
Sarpadia - Small, remote continent on Dominaria. Completely overrun by thrulls.
School of the Unseen - School on western Terisiare during the ice age. Formerly the City of Shadows. Formerly the College of Lat-Nam.
Soldev - Kjeldoran City. Excavates ancient machines from the Brothers' War.
Terisiare - Continent on Dominaria where most of early stories take place. Nation of Argive is there in present day.
Tresserhorn - The keep of Lim-Dûl.</sub>

The Shattered Alliances

Twenty years after Freyalise cast the World Spell, everyone important is still alive! Jodah's looking at his mirror after Freyalise used it in her World Spell. He's sure she did something to it but fuck if he knows. Suddenly, Jaya Ballard backflips through his window. "JODAH, CHECK OUT THIS SHIT I FOUND IT'S A SHRIVELED HAND WITH A MISSING FINGER THE RING IS MISSING HOLY SHIT. For some reason they both just assume it's Lim-Dûl's hand that Leshrac ripped off and yeah, the ring of Mairsil is missing from it. You know if it was the hand of Lim-Dûl after all and not just the hand of someone else who ran into one of the myriad things on Terisiare capable of ripping hands off of people. (There are a lot!) So Jodah, being the good _{very bored} wizard is like "Man, we gotta go find that ring." And so they head off for adventure! They even ride on an aesthir! Remember, it's not a true adventure until you ride a bird.

Jaya really fucking wants to go to Soldev. "S'where I found the hand," she claims. "That's bullshit, we're going to Tresserhorn since that's where I saw the shit get ripped off at," replies Jodah. So they get to Tresserhorn, fully expecting Lim-Dûl because who else would take the ring? Well big surprise, Lim-Dûl's not there. But nah, it's just Chaeska and a bunch of zombies. "Hey guys, how's it been. 20 years or some shit right? Did you really have to smash our windows this time? Hey check out what I made. Oh yeah, you see. Remember all those," Chaeska beats a zombie's head in with a mace. "Knights of Stromgald the boss zombified? Yeah they kind of want Tresserhorn so Good Buddy here just kind of kills em for us. Oh you're leaving? That's cool. Hey if you could do us a favor and rekill some zombies on your way out it'd be pretty awesome!"

Meanwhile back at the School of the Unseen! Remember Gerda? Of course you don't. Jodah put her in charge of the School after she and her cousin sold him to Lim-Dûl. He was kind of hoping it killed her but nah she's still kickin'. He did tell her to move all his shit from the study to the other side of the school. Temperature rising has been hell on his books what with the humidity and all. So she and some students are looking for boxes in the basement to move his shit around and they find a bottomless pit. Really it's juts kind of swirling with black mana and shit. Gerda wonders what the shit until she remembers the deal Lim-Dûl made with her 20 years ago. "Hey I'll take care of Jodah if you'll watch my pet bottomless pit." So yeah, the School of the Unseen has a gigantic swirling mass of black mana building up beneath it now. No big deal, really.

Back with Jodah and Jaya, they decide to visit the battlefield where that final climactic battle took place. They actually find a Balduvian party there which is pretty cool. Balduvians are cool guys. They're lead by Lothar Lovisasson so hey. So he takes them to his mother. Lovisa is still a fuckin' (lady)bro and is totally cool with Jodah and Jaya. She does have a problem though: Kjeldor are raiding their lands now. Funny how that works, huh! It turns out that the Balduvian steppes are REALLY fertile, while Kjeldoran lands are . . . well they're underwater now. Ms. Coldeyes would really enjoy it if Darien would fucking STOP IT. So Jodah and Jaya head off for Kjeldor, but not before Jaya finds a Balduvian that's been wearing the missing Lim-Dûl finger as a talisman!!! The ring's not there but whatever. Hers now, deal with it.

King Darien? Also a fuckin' bro. He meets with Jodah right away and flat out "You want access to Gustha's shit? Hell yeah you can have that crap. We've been creeped out by it really. That happens after you see a person get eaten by zombies, you know?" So they're all having a royal banquet because Jodah is that awesome of a guy when a phantasmal fiend attacks! Boss fight! Jodah kills the fucker dead and that finger talisman reveals that Lim-Dûl sent the fucker. Shock! Jaya also falls ill as a motherfucker. Princess Alexandrite joins the party and they head off to Balduvia again to try to heal Jaya.

The trio get to Balduvian lands but are immediately attacked by the barbarians. Turns out at this VERY FUCKING SECOND, some Kjeldoran forces are attacking Lovisa's settlement. Jodah manages to convince them that he'll help the Balduvians if they heal Jaya. Lothar and Alexandrite fly off on an aesthir together to get reinforcements. A couple days later two groups appear: another clan of Balduvian barbarians and a large chunk of the Kjeldoran army. The raiding party quite understandably flees. Turns out the one leading the raid was a renegade general who is an old ally of Jodah: General Varchild. Varchild really isn't someone who's fond of Balduvians. She grew up in the hinterlands and apparently had some decidedly bad experiences with them as a child!

Jaya recovers. Lovisa, Lothar, Alexandrite and Darien all meet and lay the groundwork for what will become the nation of New Argive. Argive will come to be the controlling force of Terisiare for several centuries of peace!

The End! Wait, no. Shit. There's still half a story going on.

Jodah and Jaya head to Krov to dig through Gustha's shit. Jodah calls Gerda to check up on the place and she tells him "Everything's fine! No mass of black mana upwelling beneath the place or anything! We're cool here!" BOSS FIGHT! Jaya and Jodah are suddenly attacked by a Soldevi sentry. Jodah reflects some shots it fires back at it with his mirror but realizes that it's also multiplying their power. Jodah blows the fucker up and they immediately head to Soldev to figure out what the fuck that was all about.

Arriving in Soldev, the pair meet with Arcum Dagsson. Dagsson was wondering where that thing had wandered off to. He assumes that the Soldevi adnates took it but pff. They all fucking party because hell yes Jodah is here and he is awesome. During all of this Jaya manages to get a meeting with the adnates. She also finds out that Varchild's army is nearby. Dagsson, being a loyal Kjeldoran, isn't to fond of their recent "fucking up" campaign.

The next day, Dagsson goes on patrol with some steam beasts ready to just beat the fuck out of some rebels. Meanwhile, Jaya and Jodah head into the tunnels beneath Soldev with some adnates. It quickly becomes apparent that the adnates have access to the Soldevi machine vaults because they just sort of, walk past some very strange looking artifacts lined along the walls. The steam beasts that the Soldevi use aren't their own designs, per se. They're based off of ancient engines. If you were to compare the various maps over the past updates you'd notice something very interesting about Soldev. It's built near/above the site of Koilos. The steam beasts are based on Phyrexian engines. Thankfully they're dormant! The artificers never really figured out the trick to starting em up!

"HEY FUCKER, ITH'S NOT GONNA SAVE YOU THIS TIME." And then Jaya stabs Jodah in the throat. Hey yeah, guess who took Mairsil/Lim-Dûl's ring after all. Shit should be starting to click now!!! The adnates take some of Jodah's blood and guess what! It activates the Phyrexian machines. Bloodline of Urza and all! Jodah lays there on the ground bleeding as the Phyrexian beasts take control of the steam beasts and Lim-Jaya-Mairsil-Dûl commands them to destroy Soldev. Fuck!

Jodah manages to get his consciousness into his mirror to save himself. Time is really fucking slow in the mirror apparently and he's gonna gather some mana up to heal his dying ass. So this is happening when Freyalise shows up in a sort of hologram-y Princess Leia/Zelda cutscene sort of way. "Hey fag, this is for being a cunt all those years. Gonna make you a fuckin' planeswalker like you always never wanted." Now, Jodah is basically playing the role of me here. Because he knows damn well that THAT'S NOT HOW IT FUCKING WORKS. Jodah knows damned fucking well that if he was going to ascend his spark would have flared a long ass fucking time ago. Jodah gets the fuck out of the mirror with his spell and manages to heal himself at the last second. Awesome mage. His mirror is supercharged though, but in the bad way. Like the bad "will probably explode in magical blast of broken glass and mana" so his mirror is pretty much out of commission.

Jodah gets the fuck out of there and finds Soldev is just getting its shit wrecked. Also for whatever fucking reason Lim-Jaya-Mairsil-Dûl is four stories tall. I don't know when the fuck that happened but sure. Why not? Jodah tells him to fucking knock off all that evil shit when the gigantic lady with two men in her brain basically gives him an ultimatum. Save his friend or save his school. The war/steam beasts are all headed towards the school of the unseen, seeking out the largest black mana source on the continent. (Bottomless Pit!) Jodah doesn't give a shit about Gerda or that fucking pain in the ass school so he squares off against LJMD. It sort of clicks there while they're fighting though. See. Freyalise isn't stupid as hell. And she definitely isn't gonna piss me off by breaking the planeswalker rules like that cunt Dihada. Freyalise had to have sensed a spark in someone. Jodah definitely doesn't have one so— Jodah smashes his mirror in Jaya's face. Awesome. Jaya Ballard ascends as a planeswalker, purging Lim-Dûl and Mairsil the Pretender from her consciousness.

Jaya comes to and teleports herself and Jodah to Lat-Nam where the mages are all fighting off the machines. Jaya effortlessly takes care of the remaining ones. School's fucking toast though. In the aftermath, Gerda decides to head east, taking all of Jodah's shit with her. Jaya tags along for a little and they begin a new school in the north. Eventually it'll become the Argivian university. One of the most prominent schools on Dominaria ever. Jodah meanwhile just sets out and wanders, spreading lies and rumors about himself. Really he just sort of fades into history behind all sorts of crazy legends. His mind is fixed and shit now. Jaya planeswalker bullshit'd him a magic amulet or some fuck. I don't care anymore. Is it time for Mirage yet?

400 years later, Jodah makes a trek to the Ohran mountains. He finds a hut with a lone figure inside

Legendary Shit
Kaysa - Elven elder druid. Present at Freyalise's World Spell. Leads the elves and druids out of Fyndhorn to Yavimaya. Daughter of Kjolborn and Disa the Restless. Husband of Jaeuhl Carthalion.
The Lord of Tresserhorn - A gigantic undead abomination created by Chaeska from the corpses of several Kjeldorans. Watches over Tresserhorn ever waiting for his masters' return.
Phelddagrif - A flying purple hippo. Really I have no idea why it's legendary: it's not a unique individual, it's a species Name is an anagram of "Garfield, pHD". Was the original name for Freyalise in design.
--
The Heart of Yavimaya - Central Magnigoth tree of Yavimaya. Awakened after the World Spell and was pissed. off. Cleansed by Kaysa and her band of idiots.

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Planar Bio: Shandalar

Shandalar is a small, rogue plane wandering throughout the Blind Eternities. It's incredibly mana rich and is therefore coveted by Planeswalkers. This also leads to pretty much EVERYONE being some sort of minor task mage, the mana's just that common and easy to use.

Shandalar

This is the last comic story! After this I can be less angry all the time again!

Shandalar opens immediately after Leshrac drives his truck with the meatball Lim-Dûl to Shandalar to meet Faralyn. Faralyn is fucking pissed because I have no idea. I think it's because Leshrac and Tevesh Szat followed him which was the plan the whole fucking time? Either way Faralyn is waving his wand around—which says something right there, he's THAT kind of wizard—and is just sorta making all sorts of crazy volcano background displays behind him, yelling at these two evil as hell planeswalkers and also Lim-"Slather-me-in-Marinara"-Dûl that all of Shandalar's mana is his.

"CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, I'M 'BOUT TO MANABEND SOME CRAZY ASS SHIT SON" Faralyn shouts. It's at this point a gigantic purple dragon with butterfly wings pops up. It is exactly as dumb looking as it sounds. This completely catches Faralyn off guard, this creature from the realm of Lisa Frank, and he just sort of stares at it for a moment before trying to burn the fucker to the ground. The dragon doesn't give a shit, and asks why the fuck Faralyn did that. Then it breathes some sort of magical-mana-breath-I-really-don't-know on Faralyn. Faralyn's cool with this until it sort of kills him. Turns out the dragon was summoned and sent to check out how much of a threat the 'walkers are by Shandalar's champion, Kenan Sahrmal.

So Leshrac, Tevesh Szat and Lim-Dûl hid behind rocks or some shit because the dragon just leaves. Leshrac pops back out and basically lays out a burn on Faralyn. Apparently, you need more than just spells to be powerful on Shandalar. Gotta have them smart smart smarts. Leshrac has definitely got the smart smart smarts. Leshrac puts a ward in place that basically lets him know when Tevesh Szat is about to appear behind him and tear his head off the wanders off into the mountains. Leshrac noticed something about that stupid dragon—it was made of pure mana. Kenan Sahrmal can apparently shape Shandalar's mana into crazy shit which is pretty cool! Of course, Leshrac vows to use that shit against him to bring him down and gain his own worshipers. Rock on, Leshrac.


-MEANWHILE-
In the Shadowwood, some dark elves are fleeing some zombies. I'm not sure how the fuck elves get surrounded by . . . . eight zombies, but they are completely trapped in a forest. These are the worst elves ever. Suddenly a blast from the sky torches one of the zombies. Two. . . knights(?) are riding. . . blue hippocampi through the sky. One of them, the one not named Bani apparently asks what the fuck the deal with the hippocampi are and why Kenan Sahrmal would just send mounts and not directly interfere. Planeswalkers are supposed to directly interfere, so what the fuck. Bani tells her to shut the fuck up and let him live his fucking secret life all while just sort of killing zombies over and over. Then they fly back through some bats to town. HOORAY ADVENTURE!

They wander through town and on their way a storyteller is telling a tale of Kenan Sahrmal, they even see a picture! They see the part where he has his sword and then he gets oh god no stop that never happened. Oh god the kid's crying, WHY IS HE UPSIDE DOWN WHAT ARE THEY DOING WITH THAT BOILING OIL. Bani tells the children to pay no mind and her sis basically tells her that Sahrmal is fucking gone again. Leshrac still finds time to just make kids cry, how about that shit.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, he's been out in the desert for like, four months now just trying to make shit out of mana. He's pretty bad at it but he made a tiny little dude, that's a start! That's when his ward starts to burn and Tevesh Szat and Lim-Dûl pop up. I need to take this time to point out, Revision and Prevision have a weird schism here. Prerevision/this comic Tevesh Szat is the one who brought Lim-Dûl with him, but canonically it's Leshrac. So. . . interpret these events how you will. ANYWAY, Tevesh Szat immediately asks how much of Shandalar Leshrac has conquered. Leshrac hides his mana dude behind his back and tells Tevesh Szat to shut the fuck up or he's gonna make the big stupid dragon pop up and incinerate him.

Lim-Dûl chimes in "OH Leshrac, I live only to serve you blah blah." To which Leshrac replies "HEY YEAH, SHOW ME THE CONTENTS IN YOUR KEEP, JACKASS." Szat points out how worthless Lim-Dûl is and Leshrac basically incinerates him flat out by casting Burnt Offering. Lot of incineration going on here on Shandalar. The mana from Lim-Dûl's sacrifice goes nuts and sorta freaks Tevesh Szat out, he asks what the fuck and Leshrac says to follow him but fuck that shit. Szat knows that following Leshrac will probably get him incinerated so he flies off on his own.

-MEANWHILE-
In the catacombs, Lim-Dûl emerges from some stone. Turns out the thing that got incinerated was a Lim-Dûl made of mana. Lim-Dûl got really good at that shit really fast. Suddenly, those two knights whose names I don't care about run through the catacombs. Lim-Dûl notices they're looking for a savior or some shit so he cloaks himself, like literally in a cloak. Basically he sweet talks them into taking care of Leshrac and Tevesh Szat for him because they're fucking stupid.

-MEANWHILE AGAIN-
Tevesh Szat is sitting by a stream in a forest moping and reflecting. Then he says fuck it and decides to spread silence on Shandalar too.

-MEANWHILE A THIRD TIME-
Leshrac's still in the desert trying to shape mana, except this time he scries with it and sees who Sahrmal is. He's a dude yep.

-BACK WITH LIM-DûL-
The fuckers tell them to raise an army, misspeaks then covers his tracks by summoning bats to attack them. One of them's terrified of bats, so Lim-Dûl Mind whips that shit and kills her! Hurray. The other one is confused why he would just let her die like that. Bani vows to kill Tevesh Szat and storms off. Oh Kenan Sahrmal was there in the shadows the whole time and let that shit happen what a dick!!!

--THREE WEEKS LATER--
Some warriors stand on a ridge, Sahrmal watches but all invisible and levitatey. See, the warriors are literally on a hill behind Tevesh Szat. He's just right fucking there, not doing shit except dicking around in an obliterated village. Tevesh Szat just cannot get a grasp of how to use his magic right here on this plane with living mana. HERE'S A TIP. STOP USING SHANDALAR'S MANA. YOU CAN USE MANA FROM OTHER PLANES TO DO YOUR SHIT YOU TENTACLED MORON.

Lim-Dûl is watching this from his stupid caves, musing about how he's totally gonna trap Sahrmal in this shit and get worshiped like a god. He's apparently planning to use Shandalarians to attack Kjeldo- This is really fucking stupid and I'm just going to ignore it. He uses his blood to cast Manabarbs. MEANWHILE, Sahrmal is doing some sort of shit with faeries to attack Szat. Szat has no idea who's doing it and suddenly Szat takes some Manabarb'd arrows in the back. . . which makes no sense but WHATEVER. Szat Essence Vortex's the warriors. Sahrmal, still invisible, is casting an enchantment behind them. Bani senses this and somehow pieces it together.

Sahrmal reveals himself, does something to move the surviving warriors. . . leaving himself wide open to Szat. Szat throws down an Infernal Darkness and then kind of wins somehow. Sahrmal is tied to a tree, upside down. No burning oil in sight so we're good. Szat and Sahrmal are basically just discussing mana and shit when Leshrac appears. "By the way, we've known one another for millenia, but I never got it straight. . . Is your name pronounced "Zot"—the way I've been pronouncing it—or "Shat," as in the past tense of—" Yeah he's apparently been sitting on that one for a while and it doesn't really pay off for him.

So Leshrac and Tevesh Szat dick around, talking about the best way to get info out of Sahrmal when Leshrac realizes that with Infernal Darkness in effect, they should be better than they are. Lim-Dûl basically just outted himself. Tevesh Szat and Leshrac are sick of this shit. Leshrac makes it pitch black. Tevesh Szat, not giving a shit anymore just starts blasting Leshrac when Lim-Dûl pops out and basically shows that's he's more powerful than fucking planeswalkers. Goddammit it's starting again. Sahrmal breaks out while they're distracted, attacks Szat, causing him to peace out. Leshrac says fuck this shit and planeswalks away as well. Congrats, necromancer! Lim-Dûl is about to ram a trident in Sahrmal's chest when he gets decapitated. Yeah, Sahrmal freed them warriors. Game over!

Kenan Sahrmal tells whatserface that he'll return to Shandalar in 12 years when shit will be better.

--TWELVE YEARS LATER--
Leshrac went on to wander the planes, being a dick. Eventually he returned to Dominaria, conquered a chunk of Aerona and rocked that shit until it went horribly wrong and was imprisoned in Phyrexia. It's cool Taysir released him later.

Tevesh Szat probably went off and moped or some shit for a while.

Lim-Dûl's conquering shit with an army of undead. Surprise! This is where the video game comes in and A MYSTERIOUS, UNKNOWN PLANESWALKER saves the day and brings piece to Shandalar. (It's you. You're the planeswalker.) That's it who cares. Comics are finally done, back to expansion stories next time. I'm out.


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Coldsnap

Alright so after Freyalise cast the World Spell to end the Ice Age and mend the Shard, the period known as The Thaw happened. Now the thing you have to remember is the Ice Age happened for a LONG fucking time. Like we're talking 2500 years. So for suddenly no more ice you had some people freaking out. One of these groups was the Cult of Rimewind

Basically these complete nutjobs believed that ice was the best fucking thing ever and it could be used to amplify magic, etc blah blah blah crazy wizard BULLSHIT. For the most part they were content to just dick around in their keep, building snowmen, playing with ice or whatever it is cryomancers do during an ice age. So during the Thaw (Alliances), as the temperature began to rise they realized "oh shit. Some shit is going down. All of our ice is melting" It's getting warmer, plague is spreading, Rivers are flooding and all of these damned foreigners are moving in. So the leader of the cult is doing his damnedest to stop the Thaw from happening with some ice magic or something, mostly because his asshole/idiot of a protege is sitting there yelling FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT.

So Heidar, freaking the fuck out, about the warm temperatures descends to the lower levels of Rimewind Keep. What does he find there? WEll gee I wonder what else you find at the bottom of Dominarian keeps: Phyrexian etchings. So what happens EVERY goddamned time Phyrexian secrets are learned? Yep. Heidar goes mad.

"I'VE GOT AN IDEA." Heidar shouted "WE CAN USE THESE PHYREXIAN WAR MACHINES I FOUND TO MAKE WINTER LAST FOREVER!" Heidar's master, rightfully so, realizes that Heidar is a fucking idiot but oop! Heidar just offs the bastard as insane wizards are want to do.

So we have a bunch of crazy wizards, dormant, ancient evil war machines and a goddamned lunatic trying to force an eternal winter against a planeswalker's spell. Hmm. They could use some help. Heidar somehow manages to forge an alliance with the Order of Stromgald and their leader Haakon, promising them the same thing every undead zombie order wants: more corpses. Hey guys, you could just go out and kill people you know. That gets you corpses. But whatever. Rimewind also gains Krov as an ally thanks to their vampire queen.

So the dumbshits get the war machines working with Phyrexian relics they found in Krov's archives. At this point, Lovisa Coldeyes and a Balduvian force under her attack Rimewind. "Oop! We got war machines now!" The Balduvians are massacred, including Lovisa And the war machines go on a rampage, slaughtering things and fucking shit up.

It's about this time Balduvia's allies Kjeldor finally show up to stop this shit, when Stromgald's Order show up and protect Rimewind. At this point, Haakon and Darien's forces clash for a while, including a duel between the two commanders that lasted literally a whole day until some Kjeldoran soldiers were like "fuck this shit" and just overwhelmed Haakon, destroying him. Stromgald's order retreats.

So at this point you'd think Heidar had it made but nope! He's an insane wizard idiot, remember! He just starts attacking allies and enemies indiscriminately. Which is a bad thing when one of your allies is a vampire queen. Guess what Garza had near Heidar just in case~~~.

Assassin pops Heidar. Heidar dies. Rimewind is wiped out. Those Phyrexian war machines? Yeah they ended up down around Yavimaya. What happens when green mages meet artifact creatures?

Dominaria thaws. Shit from Legends starts happening. Shit from Urza's Saga starts happening. Thus ends a stupid little blip in Dominarian history.

Legendary Shit
Heidar Stupid jackass. Killed by one of Garza's assassins.
Lovisa Coldeyes - Chieftain of the Balduvian Barbarians. Had a son, Lothar. Killed outside of Rimewind Keep by Phyrexian Warmachines.
Darien the Great - Last king of Kjeldor. Fought alogside Jodah and Lovisa against Lim-Dûl Survives this stupid little episode. Daughter marries Lovisa's son, merging Balduvia and Kjeldor into New Argive.
Arcum Daggson - Soldevi machinist who helped stop the warmachines. Dies of a heart attack eventually!
Garza Zol - Vampire queen of Krov. Allied with Heidar. Killed Heidar. Maybe you should build an EDH deck around her for that or something.
Haakon - Undead leader of the Order of Stromgald. Destroyed by Keldoran forces at Rimewind.
Sek'Kuar - Orc Shaman from the Karplusan. Made contact with a Void Maw while in a shamanic trance. Led it to Dominaria promising it corpses from Krov. No real storyline significance at all!
Zur the Mad - Wizard obsessed with finding immortality. Maybe he died maybe he didn't! We just don't know!
The Thrumming Stone - It's a stone that thrums. That's it. It was made legendary for card mechanic purposes.
Marit Lage - Eldritch horror. Sealed within the Dark Depths. Not a planeswalker. Not an Eldrazi.


That is Coldsnap in a nutshell.

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A Tour of Phyrexia

So Phyrexia (the plane, not the entity currently fucking up Mirrodin) is kind of a bizarre world. But then you probably fucking knew that by looking at the shit that came from it. So first thing first, it's an artificial plane. This is a key thing because if you remember, artificial planes decay and eventually collapse. Who created a Phyrexia? An unnamed planeswalker who just sort of died there. But that's for another time!

The most important note about Phyrexia is its actual make up. It's nine spheres nested within each other, each sphere with a seperate purpose. What? No. Dante? Who the fuck is that?

First Sphere — Mechanical Parody of Nature
Exactly what it says. This is actually the least dangerous sphere despite the fact that it's full of Dragon engines and other Phyrexian mockeries of shit. This is the sphere that Mishra and Ashnod entered when they visited Phyrexia. It's also the sphere where Sleeper agents are trained.

Second Sphere — Metal Waste and Smoke Stacks
This is mostly a waste sphere from the first sphere. It's full of scrap parts, smoke stacks and random pipes sticking out of places.

Third Sphere — Inpenetrable Tangle of Metal Pipes
Pipes. Pipes. Pipes. The actual goal of these pipes? They create spatial distortions in the planar fabric and it inhibits planeswalking directly to lower spheres. Horrors and shades live here

Fourth Sphere — Furnaces and Warrior Training Grounds
Most Phyrexians "live" here. Aside from MORE smokestacks and pipes, this is where the birthing vats are. Where they create "new" Phyrexians, called newts. This is also where most of the Phyrexian Portals open up to.

Fifth Sphere — Boiling Sea of Glistening Oil
Exactly what it says. It's basically a boiling sea of Phyrexian blood. How. Horrifying. If that weren't bad enough it's even got gigantic steam beasts in it.

Sixth Sphere — Chambers of Yawgmoth's Inner Circle
This is pretty much the government sphere. Yawgmoth Demons usually hang out here.

Seventh Sphere — Punishment Sphere
This is basically Phyrexia's furnace. That's all that's really here. So of course this is also where beings that fail Phyrexia are sent! Only one Phyrexian has ever survived their sentence here: Gix.

Eighth Sphere — Pure Energy
Exactly what it says.

Ninth Sphere — Yawgmoth's Sanctum
Again, exactly what it says. This is the sphere that Yawgmoth himself resides in. The big stupid, inside out idiot is mostly dormant though so whatever! His will is mostly carried out by the Yawgmoth Demons and Priests.

Urza's Saga

Now, if you've ever looked at Urza's Saga the set, you notice that it. Well. It's all over the place setting wise. It overlaps Antiquities, so you get Brothers' War shit. Mostly in green. The set literally just jumps all over the timeline, overlapping parts of Legends as well, taking a jump from Antiquities all the way past Ice Age.

—Urza Triumphant—
So congratulations, Urza. You caused the sylex blast, destroyed two armies and the landmass they were on and basically fucked over an entire plane and it's neighbors for the next couple thousand years. GOOD. JOB. Plus You were lucky enough to survive. You fucking survived by ascending and becoming a Planeswalker. Hope you like those two powerstones you and your brother fought over being your eyes now because they are! NICE JOB. The best way to visualize what happens at this point is Urza just floating through The Blind Eternities aimlessly for a few hundred years. It might not be the most accurate portrayal but it's probably for the best.

So in his sudden freetime Urza is just sort of replaying the events of the last few decades over and over in his head. This sorta sticks out in his mind the most, the whole Mishra as a mechanical/flesh monstrosity thing. Urza does some research and figures some shit out. Phyrexia just sort of entered the top of his, depression/madness controlled shit list.

MEANWHILE ON PHYREXIA!
A timer dings on a Birth Vat and out pops a steaming new batch of Phyrexian Newts. Hurray, just like Silxtexin, the Vat-Mother used to make~! Now, newts are basically proto-sleeper agents. They look human but aren't quite! They're mostly fleshy bits and glistening oil shaped into human bodies. The Vat priests dump them out of the molds like so many creepy crawlers and take them up to the first sphere where they're basically taught how to survive on whatever world they're going to be sleeper agents on.

One of these newts in this batch, though, is Xantcha. Xantcha is, well flat out she's broken. See, Xantcha has free will. This is bad because it means that she's not flat under the control of Yawgmoth's will. Xantcha goes traitor and is sentenced to death! Hooray! She's thrown through a portal and ends up on some other plane. She tries to defend herself from the vat priests but this does not go well for Xantcha. The vat priests throw her to the ground and get incinerated. Yeah, they just sort of explode. Turns out Urza saw this shit happening because he just happened to be in the area. Thinking she was a human woman being attacked by Phyrexians he incinerated them. Sure. So Urza basically takes Xantcha with him in a room he made just for planeswalking with mortals. Conjures up some bread for her, thinking she's just a human lady who ended up there somehow. Just a dude with a box that flies through the Multiverse with a companion fighting beings that are mostly metal-flesh abominations hell bent on extermination and invasion.

So Urza and Xantcha basically are partners at this point. Urza has a problem, he doesn't know where the fuck Phyrexia is. Xantcha somehow knows this despite being the lowest level grunt Phyrexia has and also a being who can't planeswalk. So Urza prepares for an attack on Phyrexia. How does he do this, you ask? He builds a gigantic robot dragon to ride. Sure he may be the worst hero the Multiverse has ever seen but godDAMN he does some badass shit. So Xantcha tells him "Hey, we should uh. Attack the place where they make new me-things. It'd be cool!" Urza's want to believe her so he goes along with it and just starts fucking. Shit. Up. He fucking tears through the first three spheres. Just shredding and blasting Phyrexians from within the giant robot dragon. . . . And then he hits the fourth sphere.


Imagine you are playing a game of Magic. Now imagine your opponent suddenly has hundreds of Phyrexian Soldiers and you've got a lone Urza's Armor. How many turns would YOU last. So Urza fucking loses the dragon engine and starts Fighting the Phyrexians on his own. Xantcha meanwhile makes a break for the life vats. See Xantcha has another motive. Her Heartstone. Heartstones are Phyrexian life matrixes. Basically by having hers she's keeping herself from being destroyed on a whim when the Phyrexian janitor comes through and clears out the shit they're not using. She grabs that shit, smashes a bunch of others and runs back to Urza who's basically getting his ass beat at this point. Xantcha reaches Urza just as he's about to collapse. He probably throws a thumbs up before planeswalking the fuck out of there and collapsing.

This is pretty much the black cards in Urza's Saga. It's mostly Urza and Xantcha's assault on Phyrexia.

So Urza and Xantcha escape to Serra's Realm. Urza wakes up five years later to Serra, the plane's creator healing him of all the shit Phyrexia did to him with her magic. Xantcha eventually wakes up being attended by angels who've been healing her for five goddamn years. Everything's good, everything's swell. Well, until Phyrexia tracks down Urza and starts corrupting Serra's Realm. Nice job, Urza. Urza and Xantcha flee and leave Serra's Realm to fend for itself. Problem is that the realm's white mana balance is all contaminated and shit now! Serra really can't deal with this and leaves. Radiant, the commander of the Serra Angels is left in charge of the plane..

And there's your white cards!

Phyrexian Invasions so far: 1

Urza and Xantcha escape to the plane of Moag, a backwater plane where they rest for a few years. Well, until they track down Urza. Again. Urza tries to rally the Moag natives against the Phyrexians but fails. Urza and Xantcha flee.

Phyrexian Invasions so far: 2

Urza and Xantcha travel to a few other planes, Vatraquaz, Gastal. Eventually they reach Equilor. Equilor is an ancient plane. Like, it's just done. It's mountains are worn down, it's tectonic activity has just mostly stopped. It's not dead it's just. . . done. The inhabitants of Equilor are strange, mostly just "How cute, a planeswalker. You're nothing new." They inform Urza to chill out, Phyrexia's not a threat to Dominaria because of the Shard of Twelve Worlds. Fuckin' A thinks Urza and he and Xantcha just settle on Equilor. Urza is just looking through the volumes and volumes and volumes of information the Equilorians have acquired and thinks of ways to use it. He plans on teching Equilor out but the elders are pretty much "Hey yeah, please don't. Oh by the way, the Shard's been fixed. Dominaria's kind of fucked by Phyrexia at the moment. Urza and Xantcha peel the fuck out and return to Dominaria, settling on Terisiare in the Kher Ridge.

So the two are doing fine on Dominaria, living in a tiny little shack. Urza constant making little constructs of himself, Ashnod, Mishra, etc. replaying the events of the Brothers' War over and over again, obsessing how shit happened. Totally—wait. That's not fine. THAT'S NOT FINE AT ALL. Urza is pretty much going insane, Xantcha decides to fix this and goes out, finds a slave that looks like Mishra named Ratepe and basically buys him. Xantcha tells him to act like Mishra and the two slowly start to help Urza recover his sanity.
_{Sup, Urza. It's me, your brother. . . Marsha?}

So this is all going great and Xantcha goes into town one day and, that's when a bad thing happens. Sleeper agents are pushing two nations to war. Xantcha explains the situation to Urza and he basically comes up with an awesome plan. He makes robot spiders. Robot spiders that scream. The scream does absolutely nothing to humans, they can't even hear it. However it is not only deafeningly loud to Phyrexians, it causes their glistening oil blood to boil. Urza scatters these things all throughout Terisiare. Meanwhile, Xantcha hides in a crypt.

Bad news though, Guess who appeared on Dominaria recently. Gix is personally heading this incursian on Terisiare. Xantcha encounters Gix in a crypt. And basically Gix figures all of this shit out. Gix heads to Koilos and waits. Urza, of course, eventually shows up. Gix is the one who basically killed Mishra, after all. Urza and Gix battle and it's really going either way! Except that Gix starts winning. See, he's a demon, after all. Ratepe and Xantcha sacrifice themselves to throw Gix off and allow Urza to throw him into a temporal shift meant for Urza.

So Urza goes home and is pretty fucked up about the whole thing until he gets a visit from a hooded stranger. It's Jodah. Yeah, that Jodah. The Dark, Ice Age, Alliances awesome Jodah. Jodah basically explains everything that's happened on Terisiare since the Brothers' War and it pretty much pumps Urza up. Urza is fucking ready to do some shit. Jodah just disappears into history behind his wall of lies and rumors again.

So Urza does probably his biggest, smartest and at the same time stupidest idea: The Mage's Academy at Tolaria Urza, under the guise of Malzra (he and Mishra are still pretty much Dominaria's greatest villains, remember) brings the greatest mages, artificers, scientists and randomly math guys in to do the only sensible thing: build a time machine.

But fuck that we'll get into that another time.

Legendary Shit
_{Note: At this point a lot of legends from other stories start to bleed into other sets so from this point on, aside from Legends, it's all the legendary shit in that set (plus Time Spiral weird shit.) even if it didn't come up yet.}
Barrin - Master wizard and head of the Tolarian Academy. Urza's right hand man Barrin was actually around at the end of the ice age as a Kjeldoran!!
Gaea's Cradle - Oldest grove of Argoth. Obliterated in the sylex blast.
Karn - Silver golem created by Urza for use in his time travel experiments.
Phyrexian Tower - Dead honest. I have no idea why this is legendary. It doesn't really equate to any sort of location in the storyline. It appears to be on Phyrexia though? Hell, YOU CAN SEE TWO MORE IN THE ART.
Serra's Sanctum - Serra's pad in her realm. Nothing else really to say!
Shivan Gorge - God, uh. It's a gorge in Shiv. Uhhhhh, shit I dunno.
Tolarian Academy - The academy at Tolaria. Mage's school founded by Urza dedicated to artifice and temporal research.

Legacy Shit
_{Hey yeah I’m gonna put the pieces of the legacy here too! Deal with it!}
Karn – Karn’s role is basically engineering on the Weatherlight.


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Legends Cycle I - A Cat Man and I guess Sand Warriors and Darth Maul

I'm not gonna lie, Legends Cycle 1 is one of the most boring things out there.

Johan has airships, starts going to war with the city of Bryce, ruled by Hazezon and his pirate wife and a tiger man named Jaeger ruin plans.

Then later they meet Jedit Ojanen and then later Hazezon has a story. THERE. LEGENDS CYCLE ONE OVER DON'T READ IT UNLESS YOU'RE REALLY BORED.

Legendary Shit
Hazeznon Tamar - Governor of Bryce. Has a pirate wife named Adira Strongheart. Can make Sand Warriors.
Hunding Gjornersen - One of Adira Strongheart's Robaran Mercenaries.
Jasmine Boreal - Another of those mercenaries.
Jedit Ojanen - Tiger man from Efrava. Traveled the world instead of staying in Efrava. Joined the Robaran Mercenaries and defended Efra-WHO CARES.
Johan - Evil wizard. Has some airships. Predates Darth Maul. If you take his card to Mark Tedin he'll draw a lightsabre in his hand though! Eaten by a wurm.
Ramirez DePietro - Pirate that pillaged around Jamuraa for a while. Defeated by the Robaran Mercenaries for some reason.
Tor Wauki - Archer who fought with Ramirez. Killed at some point by Halfdane. Retconned the fuck out and right into the second Legends cycle.
Xira Arien - A human wizard that Hazezon fights for like a minute. Also retconned into a much cooler entity in Legends II.


Chorocojo's MTG Storyline Theater presents: Some sidestories
Let's do some Sidestory type things this time instead, hmm? Just a few I swear~

Magic has had a ton of anthologies printed in its history. Good news! They're all canon. Some are actually related to the main storylines! Let's do some of those because fuck Legends Cycle I.

An Exercise in Profiteering off of the Brothers' War
Location: Just off of Argoth, Dominaria
Time Period: The End of The Brothers' War

On a ship, just a mile off of Argoth's coast. Rich nobles mill around on the deck of a ship. "Expeditions to the End of the World" they're here for. The good Captain Crucias brings those that pay out here to watch the armies of Urza and Mishra fight. Crucias hates this. He hates that he's using his ship for this. He hates that he's making money off of the bloodshed and deaths of others.

Crucias himself was kicked out of the Yotian navy for, well c'mon he was fucking an admiral's daughter. So he turned to a life of privateering. That goes well, 'cept he keeps mackin' that admiral's daughter despite being a fucking pirate. Fucking peachy, until one night he comes back and there's a newborn kid screaming on his boat with a note from mama. Guess who's crew quits within the hour!

So Crucias takes the kid to the admiral, who just laughs at him. Wandering back he gets arrested for kidnapping. HA. Crucias breaks out with his new daughter, Nunieve, and manages to get his ship out of there alone. Badass dad. Crucias goes straight after that, becoming an honest businessman and eventually one of the richest sea captains in Terisiare. Even buys a Villa in Kroog. Crucias spoils the hell out of Nunieve when he's home. Great times. Unfortunately, around Nunieve's ninth birthday she takes ill. Crucias pays for the greatest doctors but known can heal her. Crucias showers her with gifts but she refuses them and the treatments. She tells her papa to stop spending money on her, buy things for himself so she can see him happy again. On the eve of their voyage overseas to look for help, Nunieve passes away in Crucias's arms.

Crucias spends the next 11 years building a ship in Nunieve's memory. A powerful ship, it's built to explore away from Terisiare. Unfortunately, Kroog, which is funding the expedition, is sacked by Mishra and his forces. Without a financier, Crucias turned to Argive to pay for his ship. The Nunieve, not built for cargo, lost Crucias money with every voyage. In desperation he started his "Expeditions to the End of the World." He hates his passengers. He hates Urza and Mishra. He hates himself for what he's using Nunieve's memory for.

And then there's a flash of light. The armies fighting on Argoth are gone. The passengers on Nunieve are gone. Nunieve herself is destroyed as it was caught in the explosion of the Sylex Blast. In the end, Crucias awakens floating amidst the wreckage of his daughter's memorial, his spark ignited. End the tale of the captain, Crucias. Begin the tale of the planeswalker, Bo Levar.


A Story about a Wizard
Location: Kjeldor, Dominaria
Time Period: The Ice Age
Pharon is dying. The great wizard who stood by the kings of Kjeldor for ages is dying. Yes, I know we've never heard of him until now but he's DYING. It's all over the streets. So, of course, what happens when a wizard dies? All his fucking knowledge is gone because the weirdo didn't write anything down.

ENTER THE SORCERERS' LEAGUE. They want all that sweet ass wizard smarts for themselves. So they hire scribes to record everything, no matter how trivial. The scribe we care about is a young man of 19 named Barrinalo. Barrinalo and his less important friends arrive at the estate of Pharon and are flat out amazed at the things they find there. Paintings of the landscape without snow or ice, great trees and a false sun. A gigantic snake with the head of a woman. Wait. The woman-faced snake starts flirting with (read: horrifying the everloving shit out of) the scribes before their escort intervenes: "Yo Kyram cut it the fuck out, freaky ass snake bitch." Kyram, it turns out, was a sorceress from down south. Apparently she ran afoul of Pharon in the past and now she lives in his garden as a snake-bitch.

They're lead to Pharon's bed and they basically just get to work being scribes. Pharon talks about how he hated Storgard. Great. I hate Storgard too, shitty comic. So out of all of this, they get the ingredients for "Vapor of Banishment" down before Pharon falls asleep. That's it. GOOD WORK. Barrinalo asks one of Pharon's healers what he's dying of. Turns out it's melancholy. Pharon is just tired of being alive.

For days the scribes sat by Pharon's bedside, just copying down the things he'd say on a whim. However, he'd only ever speak when prompted by Barrinalo asked a question. When the rest of the scribes went to have their evening meal, Barrinalo managed to learn some of Pharon's past. How he had charmed a sorceress lady from the north way back in the day. Used a slow tactic he did! Barrinalo asked if they were friends after that. Pharon responds that they were lovers for one night, sighs, and goes silent. Barrinalo is convinced that all of his peers, all of Pharon's underlings are just sort of waiting for Pharon to succumb to his melancholy, when Kyram pops up. Battin' her eyelashes like a creepy snake-bitch. Barrinalo and her have a nice little chat before the other scribes return and "Lady Kyram" departs.

As the days went on, the scribes would fall asleep as the hours went on. The false sun basically made it perpetually light in Pharon's estate and they'd find themselves nodding off midsentence, well. Except Barrinalo. Barrinalo loves the early morning hours because everyone is asleep, so he asks Pharon all sorts of things about the past. He asks why Kjeld made him renounce his sorceress lady. "Nah, kid. You can only serve one master. Lord or yo' Lady. You feel me?" Barrinalo looks down. "So. . . why . . . why not change Kjeld's mind with magic?" "Naw, yo. . . . . s'wrong. . . . " and with that, Pharon's eyes pop open and terrify the shit out of Barrinalo because holy shit he's got polished onyx for eyes. The other scribes wake up in time to witness Pharon start speaking very precisely and very specifically.

"I had the power to destroy everything. The great spell by which Urza destroyed Argoth, I found it! I speak of Obliteration. This is the Blare of Doom." Pharon just starts fucking spilling this spell out, BLOOD OF A BLACK ROOSTER. CIRCLE WHOSE RADIUS IS EXACTLY EQUAL TO STANDING HEIGHT OF THE CASTER. INSCRIBE THE NAMES OF THE GREAT ELEMENTALS. THAT kind of shit. The scribes are just writing this shit down, the ones that didn't flee. He goes on and on and ON for fucking HOURS. Stating the exact offerings for each elemental, the exact recipe for this shit. Pharon's underling starts wailing that his master is dying and without a beat Pharon just goes "YO. SHUT THAT BITCH UP." and that fucker is silent. He flees the estate clutching his throat. At one point Pharon turns directly to Barrinalo. "I am alone!" Phazon yelps. Barrinalo comforts him, but the archmage starts crying onyx beads. In anguish he continues detailing the ritual.

The underling's spell wears off once he gets outside and he proclaims his grief to fuckin e'ryone outside. Eventually armed guards grab him. . . . and take him to the Sorcerers' League. Hours later they show up at Pharon's manor and start rummaging through the scrolls in the antechamber. Barrinalo is out there for one reason or another. They find out that he's dictating a very long spell of destructive power. The League's boss, Dame Veger, pulls Barrinalo aside. "Hey, uh, you should switch one of the scrolls with a fake, thanks in advance." Barrinalo doesn't wanna do this. But at the same time he doesn't want a wizard fucking up his bros, so he sort of resigns himself to it and goes back into Pharon's chamber. The old man stops talking around midnight and is just on the precipice of death. Everyone is fucking annoyed that the spell just cuts short, except for Barrinalo. Barrinalo is disgusted that nobody seems to care that, you know, the man is about to die.

Sorcerers from all over are just lounging around Pharon's house trying to score even the tiniest bit of spell from the scrolls. Barrinalo is just, really fucking eaten up over this shit. Then he hears a voice, a feminine voice and a much more masculine one. Barrinalo didn't know the woman. . . she's familiar but. . . eh. The man though, "That's right, check out Pharon as he once was" says the lady. Turns out that the lady is Kyram, just not all gross and snakey anymore. Barrinalo asks if it was all a ruse, to which he gets "Aw, nah. I'm fuckin' dyin' yo. This is my ghost or some shit." Barrinalo asks why he doesn't just heal himself or deal with all the wizards in his shit. "Naw, yo. I saw this comin'. Saw you comin' too. Why the hell you think I only answered you? Let's go finish writing down this Blare of Doom and then you can hand it to that Dame Veger ho." The young scribe is shocked by this, I mean, wizards gonna use that shit to conquer the world. "Naw, kid. Shit, how long have I conquered the world? You can only use that shit with great expense. Fuck it up and you'll be the first one dead."

With the spell finished, Ghost Pharon said one more thing to Barrinalo. "The other reason I spoke only to you, is you will be my successor, yo." Barrinalo is shocked by this. He's no mage. "Check it, you've got tons of talent and drive." Pharon starts to fade away "You're destined for greatness, yo. Your future lies far in time and place, on an island far away in the sea. Yo, Snake-bitch, hide yo'self." With that, Phazon departed and Kyram jumped into a bush. Everyone else came bursting in, Barrinelo runs over to corpsey Pharon and can barely make out the words he's speaking. "To survive the soul-fire, the caster must do the following. On a plate of electrum, enscribe the symbol of Adarkar, on the other. . . " Suddenly, the scribe transcribing it's quill runs dry. He shouts for ink. But there is none. A wizard fight breaks out as nobody can find/make/conjure ink. While all this is going on, Pharon never stops speaking and Barrinelo commits every word to memory.

Half an hour later, a scribe returns with some ink from the mapmaker. But it's too late. "Master Pharon is dead" states Barrinalo. Everyone starts arguing again at this point. "GARY'S A NECROMANCER. JUST BRING HIM BACK." "Whoa whoa whoa, I can't summon an archmage." "YO BARRINALO, GUESS WHAT. YOU'RE FIRED. NOT BRING EXTRA INK, WILL YOU?" On the way out, Dame Veger is threatening the planty inhabitants of the garden with eviction once she moves in. Kyram defends them and Barrinalo intervenes. She's not going to hurt him, they have business to deal with. Later, Barrinalo brings the end of the ritual to Dame Veger. She gives him a paltry 20 crowns for it and dismisses him. As Barrinalo leaves Kjeldor a soldier at the guard shack stops him. All visitors have to sign in or out. Barrinalo grabs the quill and starts signing: B-A-R-R-I-N- . . . the quill runs out. He shakes his head at the offer for more ink, and takes his leave. Under the aurora, Barrin looks at the real scroll for the ritual's end before heading out in exile.


A Story about some Pirates
Location: The Kukemmsa Sea, Jamuraa, Dominaria
Time Period: A few decades before the Mirage wars.

"Take the wind out of their sails!" shouts Captain Murad. His ship, Burning Vengeance has chased down a Suq'Atan vessel. His PIRATE. WIZARD. sends an arc of fire at the vessel instantly setting it ablaze. Said wizard, who's name is Aziz, turns and gives a smug smile to Cap'n Murad. Doesn't see the backhand that lays his ass out coming. "WAY TO GO, MORON. NOW WE HAVE MINUTES TO LOOTS THE THING." Pirates go and do what they do best, 20 minutes later the vessel sinks beneath the waves. Their captain comes to at the foot of Cap'n Murad. "Just kill us quick." "Oh no, we wouldn't kill you. Unless you was slavers. You ain't slavers—is ya?" He's not, but they're gonna ransom his ass because he's wearing a signet ring of a wealthy family yeaaaaaaaaah. They send the other six parts of his crew off, they have to turn away a kid with 'em that wants to be a pirate.

That night Aziz is drinking, asks one of the crew what happened to Murad's prior mage. Turns out he broke the code. You know, the pirate code. The one about not betraying each other. Fucker was with 'em for a year. Turned out to be working for Zhalfir the whole time. Aziz asked if they ever saw the mage again. "Haha, not since we killed him. Took a belaying pin to the side of his head BLAMMO hahahaha!" This leaves Aziz dumbstricken, I mean. They killed a wizard, holy shit. "Captain took him northeast of the Burning Isles—lotsa sharks out there you know—a few cuts, get the blood flowin' then off he went!" At this point, Aziz and the crewman see something out of the corner of their eyes, lurking in the darkness. Aziz magics up an ensnaring trap and they realize it's the boy from earlier. "What the fuck, boy?" "Swam away from the other boat to join your crew!" Murad steps in at this point. "It's my crew, boy. What the hell can you do for me, huh?" The kid knows that the good captain needs a cabin boy (he saw the body earlier.) But before he can answer a fire breaks out in the hold. Captain yells at Aziz, Aziz acts quick and summons a goddamned djinn to clear it out. The smoke clears out and captain has enough time to see the fire came from the brig. They got in there in time to find a charred corpse clawing at the sky. Haha, agony.

The next morning, they're sifting through the burnt out brig and find a flint and tinder. Why the hell would he light a fire? To escape? That'd just roast him alive or throw him in the drink. The kid pipes in that he knows why he'd try to escape that way. Turns out the captain was a slaver. The crew claimed that the ship definitely wasn't a slave ship. "He'd only take two slaves at a time. Pay him enough and the captain would get you young girls. Very young girls."

A few days later, the Burning Vengeance is eyeing a vessel dead in the water. Fat merchant ship, laden with craaaaaap. Murad tosses the spyglass to Aziz and asks what he thinks. Aziz doesn't like it! This seems too easy. Oh well! The pirates all prepare for boarding/being boarded. As Murad checks his crew he comes across the kid, brandishing a belaying pin around. "Whoa whoa whoa. My last cabin boy died doing that shit. Get in the hold and wait for this to be over. Can't train you if you die" The kid excitedly heads down below since hey, that basically means he's part of the crew fuck yeah.

As the pirates start to come alongside the merchant vessel, all the merchants retreat to the other side of the vessel. SURPRISE Zhalfirin marines clad in scale mail storm at the pirates. Murad blinds the first one with a rake of his cutlass across the eyes and orders his men to retreat back to the Burning Vengeance. Badass pirate fighting going on here, Aziz making MAGMA FISTS and just sorta wrecking Zhalfirins. The Zhalfirin captain, enraged by his men getting just fucking wrecked brings his cutlass down at Murad shouting how the penalty for piracy is death. The Zhalfirin captain drops his weapon and pitches forward, the new cabin boy standing behind him with a bloody dirk.

Back on the Burning Vengeance the captain grabs the cabin boy by the shoulders. "You know? I should beat you for disobeying an order but instead I'll thank you for saving my life. You know, boy, I don't even know your name, come to think of it." The kid looks up. "The name's Sisay, and I'm not, a boy that is. But I'll be your cabin boy all the same." When asked what Sisay had been doing on the other vessel, she claimed she didn't want to get away without any booty and produced a pouch. The crew laughs at this and say Sisay can take the first pick. She runs her hand over a coin purse and a gold necklace, but takes a steel and flint. "I'll take this as my prize. I lost my last one in a fire."

Cat Dragons, Not Just for Deviantart.
Location: Jamuraa, Dominaria
Time period: After the flood ages, right in that pocket before Mirage.

A small Suq'atan party travels through the Jamuraan jungle. Four riders, big ornate wagon. Nothing special. Though honestly, considering the horrible things that live in Jamuraan jungles I would go around but whatever. Sure enough, something is watching them. Imagine a long-ass tiger-striped cat with dragon wings/features. That's what's watching them, not only is it watching them it smells fish. Cunning girl, she likes to pick off the rear member of the caravan and see how long it takes the rest to notice, but I digress. The creature, called a nekoru (yes they called the cat dragons nekoru) is named Wasitora.

Wasitora takes out the leader of the caravan like you'd expect a cat/dragon hybrid to (leaping off of branches and using claws and shit). Eventually it leads to Wasitora dropping down and having them shower her with praise (and dried fish.) One of the things they mention is how she is "much prettier than the cat dragons to the west." Wasitora, had no idea there were others like her, so she takes her praise/fish and heads out to look for them.

After flying west for a day, Wasitora picks up the sent of other nekoru. She finds six of them! Now, here are some things Wasitora is: Wasitora is vain. )She is cat and dragon so she is REALLY fucking vain.) Wasitora is incredibly prideful. Wasitora is a wild predator. Other Nekoru are only those first two. It turns out the six nekoru she's found are there for some sort of society bullshit. They're snooty and prissy as hell, what with their whole saying their names and what it means shit: "Sodazia. Magnificent Fortune." That type of thing. A male sees Wasitora and approaches. "Uttenatsu. Striking Thunder." Wasitora responds with "Yo don't fucking talk to me." The male demands her name and is responded to with Wasitora's claws in his face. She descends to the ground and asks one thing: "Who is queen?" Of course one of the females steps forward, starts to say her name and gets torn the fuck up. "WRONG ANSWER. WHO. IS. QUEEN?" This continues until the alpha male comes out and is impressed with Wasitora and basically claims her as his. "NOW WE WILL DO THE SEX." Wasitora says no. She is the queen she gets to say that shit. This stuns all the other ones Wasi fucked up. Apparently, according to their traditions they can't mate until the alpha male does. Wasitora says no for 3 straight days until she just makes a decree that everyone can go fuck wild whenever. They do! Wasitora leaves because fuck them high society losers.

Wasitora flies west, towards the land the caravan's fish came from. She'll raise her litter there where they can be badass predators like her. Hell yeah, Madara had best watch the fuck out.


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I need to just get all the stupid comic storylines out of the way, I think.

The Retarded Homelands Story

_{I'm going to be frank: Homelands has as much of a storyline as it has playable cards. It's much more of a setting than anything and the story that IS there is pretty dumb! For the most part the storyline isn't even mentioned anywhere except an appendix to a comic book, the rest is the actual comic book story so strap in for pointless referencing of actual cards and blatant disregard for the rules of the storyline! Weeeeee!}

So the story opens on a battlefield on Ulgrotha because I guess that's a good place to open a story. A rift on the plane has been opened by an unnamed, stereotypical wizard-looking planeswalker is standing over a dark-haired young woman and is about to finish some shit. He shouts something about her being "a Tolgath whelp, but prettier than most". The Tolgath from what I can gather were a group of planeswalkers from hella long ago. The woman is apparently one I guess! Victorious, this is a word for word line from the other planeswalker: "I can't decide, kill you now? or pleasure first. . . " Now from what I can gather this means one of two things. A, he's going to torture her on the middle of a fucking battlefield, surrounded by other planeswalkers and shit or B, he's going to rape her and then kill her. I'm for real not sure what the fuck is going on here but I'm going to equate it with the "Planeswalkers are fucking stupid in the comics" law.

So in desperation, the woman summons an Orcish Veteran, which is a proper noun for some reason. The Orc just kind of stabs him in the back and he dies. The woman declares "I get both in one!" and that doesn't make any fucking sense really. We're told that this plane is Ulgrotha and that it means "Garden," as she looks over a battlefield. Apparently "The Citadel" belongs to the Tolgath and they're "upstart planeswalkers starving for knowledge." The old man was an "Ancient quick and cruel to defend their mysteries." Which I guess I can respect? Dudes don't want other planeswalkers snooping in their business. I can totally agree with that, planeswalkers are dicks. Also it turns out the woman is named Ravi, great timing on telling us that.

Ravi looks over the battlefield and reflects that it never ends. She uses the last of her magic and teleports away to the top of the Citadel's spire. See, her master gave her an artifact. All she knows is it cleanses things. Never fucking told her how but yeah it does. So Ravi rings her artifact and suddenly "Creatures melt, artifacts shatter. planeswalkers wither to ash." Ravi's just kind of underground suddenly BENEATH the spire somehow. She enters a monolith down there and just waits it out. While she's freaking out down there a wave of destruction sweeps all over Ulgrotha, wiping nearly everything out. Not just physical things, either—Ulgrotha's mana is being destroyed as well. When it finally settles down Ravi has a sudden realization: apparently her master never told how to open the fucking thing. Congratulations!

Side note! There's another fucked up effect that the apocalypse chime has here of the "complete planar cataclysm" kind: Kamigawa's planar barriers are further weakened. I know, I was surprised too but looking at my notes this shit syncs up, go figure.

Anyway, great, guess who survives this shit. Some orcs and goblins. They settle in the Koskun mountains. This has nothing to do with ANYTHING but it's there so whatever. A while later some dwarves pop up. Like, they literally just pop into existence. There's a planar portal deep underground and they appear through it and that's fucking stupid. They set up a subterranean city and name it "New Freedom". Some of the dwarves set out on six vessels to explore Ulgrotha. Any of the ones who go too far out to sea never come back. Good, fuck dwarves.

Now, while the dwarves are out exploring there is randomly a planeswalker duel fought on Ulgrotha. Just, yeah, "Hey let's fight here on this burnt out, terrible plane." One of the planeswalkers dies horribly, hurray. Problem! He summoned a certain powerful vampire lord and is dead now. Like he didn't even summon a copy he summoned the fucker directly across the planes. There's a reason people don't do this now. So the vampire lord is pretty fucking angry about being stuck on Ulgrotha, sees a dwarven castle and just decides to go to town slaughtering the fuckers. Awesome. He calls himself Baron Sengir and he is, somehow, as awesome as you'd imagine from the years of him being in the game. Like, he's not ruined by finding out his storyline at all. AT ALL.

So he's a vampire lord with a dwarven castle he just done stole and undead zombie dwarves serving him. Awesome. On one of his little "Hey I'm gonna go down to the basement and kill some dwarves" moods he manages to catch the daughter of the dwarven king. Boop! Vampire. He also makes her think he's her daddy which might be creepy, I'm not even sure. While he's down there he also discovers the planar gate. Now, the baron's not stupid. In fact he's probably the smartest character so far that's not Jodah. He shoves a few vampires and zombies through it and well, they don't come back. How mysterious. While he doesn't know shit about actual magic, he files this away in the back of his mind for later use. He knows it's one way, so clearly the obvious answer is to not go through until there's a massive army too! So he's got a bunch of zombie dwarves, a portal to god knows where, a dwarven castle with an entire city beneath it and a vampire dwarf princess daughter. The man is moving up in the world.

On one of his random little excursions, he finds a basalt spire. I wonder what he finds here! Yeah it's Ravi. Granted now she's hella old and insane. Poor thing doesn't even remember she's a planeswalker. The baron calls her Grandma and takes her home. Now the Baron knows a bit of magic! Just to rack up some more Vampire Lord points he also encounters a caravan from Aysen and basically just tells them "Hey guess what, you live outside my castle now. Congrats!"

So another thing that survived the great destruction was a forest, oddly. . . somehow. The forest has actually flourished because of the rift that was opened by that Ancient wizard, whatever It's DUMB. Basically everything in the forest managed to survive this shit and it's just "Hey we're still a forest." Aside from that you also had some human survivors in Aysen. Aysen is just a town, nothing really. Of course, the local vampire lord is going to fuck with that shit hard. Baron Sengir regularly sends a bunch of vampires just to fuck with them, make him scared of shit. Eventually though he realizes that the fear is actually uniting them against him so he knocks that shit off quick. Baron Sengir smart smart smart.

Now, that doesn't mean they stopped caring. One of the protectors of Aysen, the Serra paladins thought he could end the baron once and for all. He's just gonna go up, ask to be made into a vampire and then use the darkness to defeat the baron sorta self-sacrificey and all! So this paladin, Ihsan, does that! Problem: The Baron's not fucking stupid. "Hey yeah sure, give me your blood" he says, kills Ihsan and then binds him to his signet ring. Hope it was worth it Ihsan! Ihsan cries like a little bitch for 100 days and the Baron's just kinda laughing at him, calling him a pussy. Irini decides she really wants the ring just to torture Ihsan. This is the best family.

Hey, let's get back to a storyline with planeswalkers. God knows we don't want to see more of Sengir ruining shit up. So one day a planeswalker appears on Ulgrotha. His name is Feroz. Feroz fucking hates the idea of summoned creatures being used in wizard fights. He's just kind of wandering around the charred wasteland of Ulgrotha lookin' at shit. "Aww man, a Didgeridoo. I'm gonna play this so hard." And he puts his dirty lips all over the thing he found on the ground. Disgusting. So he blows in it and suddenly a minotaur pops up and tells him to cut that shit out. Feroz you're terrible and you should never be allowed to produce music again. Feroz freaks out thinking he summoned the minotaur but nah, he's just a planeswalker. Yeah, the minotaur is named Sandruu and he is a planeswalker. Minotaur. Planeswalker. I want this.

So Sandruu tells Feroz the didgeridoo is an heirloom of his tribe, the Anaba. Feroz tells him he is not about summoning creatures and enslaving them despite the fact it's totally possibly, accepted and common practice to just summon copies. Sandruu looks at Feroz like he's an idiot but hey whatever. FRIENDSHIP! Feroz talks to Sandruu about magic. See, Ulgrotha's mana is still fucked so really they don't know shit. Sandruu points at the Aliban's Towers along the road and goes "Yeah I guess shit like that is magic I dunno." SUDDENLY they hear a small boy screaming for help in the woods. They dash in after it and here's some creaturological info for you: Root Spiders, in addition to being proper nouns sound exactly like a child screaming HELP ME! The two are fucked until Two Serra Angels show up and cut the fucker down. Serra herself happened to be nearby out of plot convenience! She's about to execute the spider when Feroz pleads that she not do it. S'just being a spi—sorry Spider after all. Feroz starts to yell at her for enslaving angels when she calls him an idiot. FRIENDSHIP!

So later, at the An-Havva Inn, everybody's just drinking. Serra reveals she's been on Ulgrotha for a long time, doesn't mention a damned thing about Phyrexia or Urza or Serra's Realm but hey whatever. "Oh by the way I'm thought of as a goddess so whatever." Feroz tries to put the moves on Serra and I guess they work until Sandruu starts getting yelled at by his bro. "Take your tradition back to the Kher range, Sandruu! Bury it with the rest of your dying tribe you call home!"
Right, I'm gonna stop you there.
1. Sandruu's brother is not a planeswalker
2. Sandruu and his brother are both Anaba, the Anaba live in the Koskun range.
3. The Kher Range is on Dominaria, it's north of Argive
4. Minotaur do not live on the Kher Range.
MY IMMERSION IS RUINED.
Feroz asks what the fuck's up and Sandruu laments that the younger minotaur lately have been going off to become pit-fighters and bodyguards. Which, I'm not sure why that last one is so bad. Sandruu mentions that all this magic could be a cool thing for the youths to see and asks Feroz to teach him. Feroz starts to be all "I dunno there's a dark side" when a drunk lady wanders outside into the street and almost gets run over by a black carriage. Feroz sees this just in time, summons a Brass Man and has it tackle the drunk lady to the ground, presumably crushing her when he landed on top of her in a ditch but hey whatever.

So the carriage stops and out steps the Baron. He thanks Feroz for getting her out of the way so he doesn't have to clean the bottom of the carriage of bones and shit and says hey to Serra. Serra responds by having her angel posse pop up behind her. Awesome. The Baron responds by inviting them to dinner! Serra declines but the baron throws the "Oh I do have to eat soon, I could totally eat some people here in An-Havva, oh what to do" line and that sorta works! Feroz and Serra both head to Castle Sengir. The townsfolk ask the constable now what do they do and really the answer is to just keep drinking. Yep.

So next there's a page that's literally just "HEY LOOK, CARD NAMES." as it describes what's going on outside. Did you know that Cemetary Gate is a proper noun on Ulgrotha? They finally arrive at Castle Sengir and the Baron throws his coachman to the horses. Yeah his horses eat meat. He just picks up random villagers, makes them his coachman, then feeds them to the horses when he gets back. Yes. Grandmother Sengir is so excited to have guests. And Sengir gets down to business. The baron's got an interest in Feroz's magic, too. Mostly he's not fond of it. He's basically brought them to his castle to tell them "Hey, Planeswalkers. Stay out of my shit." The man has balls I will tell you that. The two storm out and the baron just basically muses to himself that he's a fucking vampire. He's gonna hella outlast them.

LATER, out on the Floating Isle Feroz appears and freaks some dwarves out. "S'up, lemme teach you about mana." And that's how the Wizards' School was founded! Meanwhile in Aysen, Serra starts grooming leaders among her church to lead everyone in the right direction. Good things are happening! Sandruu even graduates from Hogwarts! He thanks Feroz and planeswalks the fuck out to explore.

So on some random plane Sandruu meets Kristina of the woods! You know, planeswalker from the earlier story from Ice age. The one that's been nailing Taysir. I know this is sudden but this is literally the next fucking panel. Sandruu and Kristina start to become a thing which, is kind of creepy what with him being a minotaur and all. Ravidel, who Taysir took as a spellsquire, rats out this shit to Taysir and decides to go fuck Sandruu up!

BACK ON ULGROTHA, Serra is in the Serra Aviary when Feroz shows up, talking about mapping mana channels and then they make out beneath some cockatoos when suddenly a falcon pops in telling em that Sandruu's back and in pain! Way to ruin the moment talking bird. Feroz rushes out in time to see Taysir banish Sandruu from Ulgrotha to some plane way out in the fucking nowhere of the blind eternities that would take him centuries to return from! What the fuck Taysir? So Feroz rushes in and Taysir smugly states "Real competition, heh."

Are you ready for stupid shit? Feroz summons Living Armor for himself and then slips on Urza's Glasses to let him see the future apparently. He flips out because apparently Taysir's hand is full of Anaba shamans. Feroz summons a Roterothopter and a Living Wall, uses the Aladdin's Ring and Rod of Ruin in his hand to throw a Serrated Arrow at Taysir. I'm not fucking exaggerating when I say all of that. The story really states all of this.

Suddenly, Taysir falls off a cliff, Feroz meets him at the bottom. Taysir is all "Oh god my leg's broken hold up bro." Feroz replies by cleaving his head in two with a broadsword. Like yeah that happens. SHRAAAK in big green cartoony letters is the onomatopoeia for slicing someone's head in two if you were wondering. Serra arrives and flips out but one of the Spirit Crafters Taysir summoned states that even Taysir could be saved which is kinda bullshit but whatever. You don't fucking survive your head being bisected, this is a key plot point in a later story.

So anyway Serra and Feroz get married and have a house out on an island. Feroz sets up an awesome plan I guess maybe: A Ban Basically this functions almost exactly like The Shard did, Ulgrotha is sealed off from planeswalkers. I would honestly think this would be an enchantment but it's an artifact. Whatever. Feroz goes back to charting how Ulgrotha's mana is recovering when he notices the rift that's still somehow feeding mana to the plane. He also realizes it's under Castle Sengir. He prays that the Baron knows nothing about it as that's the only thing that can save them and I'm sure the baron is just cackling right now. Possibly while Irini sticks sharp sticks into Ihsan.

Hey, remember that forest I mentioned earlier? The ban is basically not letting the extra mana being pushed in by the rift out and it's getting super charged, letting the consciousness of the forest take form. This is so dumb. So the spirit of the forest, Autumn Willow basically starts meddling with shit herself and spreads all sorts of goodwill to An-Havva and shit blah.

Suddenly Feroz dies in a fire. . . elemental. See he was doing an experiment and who cares he's dead. Serra's sad. Ulgrotha's mana is healthy again because that thing fucking manifested the way it did. The real world equivalent would be if you encased a condor in ice and then it shattered out and just fucking murdered you.

Anyway, Feroz is fucking dead and Serra is in mourning, wandering through Aysen when a precariously perched apple cart at the top of a steep hill goes out of control. Serra tries to magically stop it but fails and it hits a deaf guy. The baron shows up and is all "Nice job, planeswalker!" Then he takes a bite out of an apple and Serra tells him "Don't play serpent with me" and really I think this was a Biblical reference which is kind of out of setting, isn't it? The baron basically makes Serra feel guilty, telling her that Feroz should have let shit go and because he hadn't he learned that planeswalkers are flammable. Good to know. Serra visits Feroz's grave and then planeswalks away from Ulgrotha.

On the plains of Sursi (Sursi is on Dominaria), Serra travels with a bunch of pilgrims when a beggar thief sees Serra's wedding ring and basically tries to rob her. Serra threatens the fucker when he reveals that he's a planeswalker. A planeswalker beggar thief. What the fuck. Serra begins to call her angels but decides not to, the beggar just kinda blasts her and she goes down like a bitch. A monk who witnessed the angels takes his cane to the back of the planesbeggar's skull and takes Serra to heal. She doesn't though! A temple is constructed in her memory.

So they're both dead, the ban is weakening on Ulgrotha. Autumn Willow's power starts failing. She knows that she can use the last of her strength to super charge Ulgrotha and restore it's mana, but that'd kill everything, but if she does nothing that Sengir's pretty much set. That's. . . that's the story. That's it. Go away now.

Legendary Shit
Autumn Willow - Force of Nature from the Great Wood. Able to manifest because of Feroz's ban, its fall weakened her greatly. Could totally restore Ulgrotha's mana if she wanted but it'd kill pretty much everything soooo
Baron Sengir - Vampire lord stranded on Ulgrotha. Has plans to conquer Ulgrotha then lead his army through the gate in his basement and invade wherever that takes him. Smart smart smart.
Chandler - Ulgrothan thief. Tricked Eron the Relentless into giving him the ebony rhino . Wanted by Reveka and Eron for stealing a lot of their shit and selling it.
Daughter of Autumn - A daughter/creation/lesser version of Autumn Willow? Really there's a lot of mystery here.
Eron the Relentless - Lord of Koskun Keep and its goblins. Originally a thief from Aysen who stole a tome from Grandmother Sengir for Reveka at the wizards' school. Rewarded with immortality from the tome. Provides food for Sengir's barony under the pact that Sengir won't invade Koskun.
Ravi, Grandmother Sengir - Originally a planeswalker trapped in a basalt spire. Batshit, fucking, insane. Powerful black mage. Not actually a relative of Baron Sengir.
Hazduhr the Abbot – Old dude. Last abbot chosen by Serra herself.
Ihsan – Serra paladin who tried to get dark powers from Baron Sengir so that he could use them against him. Yeah, the Baron’s not stupid. He turned him into a shade.
Irini Sengir – A dwarven princess made vampire by Baron Sengir. Skilled enchantress. Actually, Reveka’s great grandmother unknowingly!
Joven – Chandler’s partner. Has ferrets.
Rashka the Slayer – A vampire hunter. If you look at her mechanically speaking, she can block and kill an unbuffed Sengir Vampire.
Reveka – Dwarven headmaster of the Wizards’ School on the floating isle.
Soraya the Falconer – A falconer at the Serra Aviary. vOv
Veldrane of Sengir – Baron Sengir’s most loyal underling.

Back to the top.







Planar Bio: Kamigawa

Kamigawa is a distant world, fairly remote within the Blind Eternities. (I'm realizing this is true of a lot of worlds, Ulgrotha, for one.) It's strange property is a duality in its realm: it's split between the spirit realm (the kakuriyo, or Reikai) and the physical realm, (the utsushiyo).


The Araba plains are the major white-aligned region. Pockmarked and crater by constant kami attacks, Towabara and Eiganjo Castle are the main setting for the storyline.
The Minamo Falls are the major blue-aligned area for the story. Beneath the falls a rift has opened between the two worlds. Kami pour from this hole in reality.
The Takenuma swamp is the black-aligned region. Full of Nezumi ratfolk and ronin samurai. It's lately been encroached on by the obakemono from Sokenzan who use its black mana for oni worship.
The icy Sokenzan mountains are the red-aligned region. Akki goblins, bandits and more ronin here as well as more obakemono.
Jukai Forest is the final, green-aligned region. Massive sea of cedar and pine, it's home to the orochi, snake people. As well as the home of a fair amount of Kitsune, fox people.

Haha this is gonna be abridged but here we go! Just assume Konda is all "Ohhhh I'll get you daughterrr. Someone bring back my daughterrr" the whole time because he IS.

Champions of Kamigawa

-Outlaw-
Eiganjo Castle on a dark night. Daimyo Konda waits in a secret chamber. His highest general, the master of a wizards school, a high cleric of the kitsune and a rabbit-man from the sky are all with him. All waiting anxiously when suddenly attendant bursts through the doors, informing the daimyo that his wife has gone into labor. "Don't care! Hit it boys!" So they all start doing gods know what and Konda reaches through a goddamn gap and pulls out a disc-shaped rock thing. "SCORE. Hey Takeno, put this in the trophy room." This is a terrible crime, like holy shit you don't even know. On this night, the daimyo and his band of brilliant idiots have stolen a kami child.

Cut to, oh I dunno 17 years later! Holy fuck the kami have declared war. Hold up a sec, anyone not know what a kami is? Kami are, well, gods. Not "Sup I'm Thor" type gods but more spirits and personifications of concepts and things, etc. EVERYTHING has a kami and now they're pissed. They can manifest at anytime from anything and just start killing shit. Holy SHIT. BACK TO THE STORY.

Princess Michiko Konda and her goddamned anime friends Riko (an archer/mage/girl) and Choryu (watermage with white goddamned hair) are all together and totally not late for school oh noooo. Michiko wants to end this terrible war that I just glazed over because pff. She tells her super awesome buddies that she wants to journey to Jukai to see what the monks and orochi think. That's all well and good but what the fuck is your plan to get there Michiko? She's thankfully stopped by her tutor, the kitsune Pearl-Ear. "You're fucking foolish as hell princess. Things will probably kill you out there, god. What the hell were you thinking? ANYWAY I'm going back to visit my village, my brother Sharp-Ear's gonna be here while I'm gone so don't be an idiot." And so she did. Sharp-Ear's a pretty cool guy. Kitsune ranger, yup. So long story short Choryu traps Sharp-Ear with some water magic and they all set off on their wonderful journey to save Kamigawa. Michiko you dumb.

-MEANWHILE-
God let's get to the good half of the storyline. Toshiro Umezawa, ronin samurai and kanji mage, wandering around Numai in Takenuma. Stumbles across something pretty rare: soratami. The soratami are moonfolk, they live in palaces above the clouds. Why the hell are they in Numai? Apparently they're talking to rats. Marrow-Gnawer, the big gang leader of the nezumi in the area is meeting with them. The soratami are up to something in the swamp, Toshi wants to know what! Just because why not, not like he's gonna do anything about it? Of course, the soratami don't like this and try to kill him. Using his trusty jitte, he dispatches them. Remember: If you have a jitte you're not losing combat steps. Well that was fun, Toshi heads home and. . . has more soratami waiting for him lead by a particular one named Chiyo. Chiyo's kinda like the sub boss of a big boss's partner if that makes sense. Either way, Toshi just beat the shit out of two of her underlings and she's totally going to kill Toshi—except that he put a paralysis trap in his ceiling. This is what you do when you live in a swamp with outcasts and rogues. Toshiro is fucking smart about things (the black-aligned characters usually are) and decides he's gotten into something pretty big and he goes off to seek some help from a past acquaintance.

-BACK TO MICHIKO-
so Michiko and her friends are off on their journey to Jukai when Choryu pipes in "Yo let's go to Minamo instead. It's . . . got wizards?" The other two say this is stupid and keep headed for Jukai. Choryu, who is obviously up to something, has been contacted by one of his patron spirits and was basically told "Don't let that fucking princess get into Jukai" and frankly when a kami tells you to do something you generally fucking do it. They get into the fringe of the forest when a goddamn tornado appears within the forest and splinters some fucking trees. This is clearly not naturally and when it comes down to it they scatter. WAY. TO. GO. She runs for a little before Sharp-Ear shows up. "You're late for school." Eventually they get to the Kitsune village in Jukai. Also Riko and Choryu show up eventually. vOv

-BACK TO THE GOOD HALF-
Let's do some preface. Way back in the day, Toshiro worked for a boss in Numai named Uramon. One day he and a group of his fellow underlings were sent out to assassinate the ogre shaman, Hidetsugu. See, he had sort of kinda eaten some of her other underlings and well. C'mon. This did not go well. Hidetsugu murders everyone but Toshi flawlessly. Our boy Toshi is a smart'n and set up a kanji ward that reflects damage back to Hidetsugu. They get to talking and via some kanji and blood magic form a new gang: the Hyozan Reckoners.

So guess who Toshi's goin' to see! He arrives at Shinka in time to see Hidetsugu dragging some sort of . . . kami thing back. Fishing was apparently good today. There's also a mountain of a man there. The name's Kobo. Kobo was a monk in Jukai but decided to become a yamabushi, a kami slayer. BAD NEWS the yamabushi refused to teach him and he was forbidden from returning to Jukai. Enter Hidetsugu who's been looking for an apprentice! Kobo, it should be pointed out, is just the latest and only apprentice to actually survive Hidetsugu's training. He's horribly scarred, misshapen and just unpleasant to look at, really. Toshi explains what's going on with the soratami, etc. Hidetsugu and Toshiro make Kobo a member of the Hyozan and Hidetsugu sends Toshi and Kobo to Jukai. Because portents I guess.

-MICHIKO TIME-
Michiko and her friends are in the Kitsune village. Pearl-Ear is there and not pleased with any of this shit. God, either way the leader of the village, Silk-Eyes basically says "Yeah go to Orochiville. Have some foxes." Michiko, Riko, Choryu all depart for the Orochi territory with the added companions of Sharp-Ear, Pearl-Ear and three more kitsune who follow Adjective-Body Part as a naming convention. Choryu bitches the WHOLE. WAY. Whiny little anime child. Minamo is gonna be pissed when everyone learns this shit is happening. And then they run into Toshi and Kobo. Fuck yeah we got enough party members for a strategy rpg now. Toshi dislikes Choryu and that gives him points in my book. OROCHI FIGHT. A ton of goddamn snake people out of fucking nowhere attack. It's like everyone but Michiko knows "Hey! Go kill Michiko and maybe this war will end!" Toshiro, the kitsune and Kobo manages to kill a bunch of the fuckers but eventually sheer numbers and, oh right, VENOM.

So eventually Toshi wakes up, and looks for Kobo. Oop! He dead. Kobo. . . . no. . . He's tied to two trees, lungs full of water. I. WONDER. WHO. DID. THIS. Toshi cuts to the chase, frees Michiko and they duck into a cave Toshi likes to hang out in whenever he's. . . in Jukai I guess. It's here that they're confronted by a kami. A wonderful little smiling kami of the crescent moon. You can call him Mochi, though~. Mochi shows Michiko a few things, including the night of her birth. "S'up your dad kind of stole a baby. Yeah. Oh, I should add it's the child of the Kami of All Things, O-Kagachi. Yeah. He's fucking pissed."

As for Toshiro, Mochi introduces him to the Myojin of Night's Reach. "You should probably accept her blessings or something," Mochi suggests. "Fuck you, Mochi I'm an atheist and you should deal with it," fires back Toshi. Serving someone is not on the list of things Toshi enjoys. However, the sudden manifestation of the Myojin of Life's Web nearby makes him change his mind. Granted he does sort of twist it a little in his favor, as black mages are want to do.

The Myojin of Life's Web has basically ordered the orochi shamans to capture Michiko because, well, she's Michiko. The Myojin herself is here now and basically demands Toshi surrender her to the kami. "Right, I'll think about that." Toshiro, by accepting the blessings of the black myojin, has all sorts of crazy, night/darkness-related abilities now. Case in point, he basically mutes all of the green myojin's worshipers which, frankly, is bad news for a kami. Cut off from FAITH the myojin withers and basically unsummoned back to the Reikai. Hot damn, victory Toshi!

There's one more thing Toshiro has to do, though. See, Toshi's gotta fulfill a thing to Kobo. The big thing about being a Hyozan Reckoner, is vengeance. Choryu killed Kobu, Choryu is *FUCKED*. Normally, if blood is drawn from a Reckoner they're paralyzed on the spot. Toshi basically labels Choryu with a kanji which lifts him off before disappearing into the shadows himself, leaving a bunch of pissed off foxes and also Michiko and her not-as-important friend.

At Shinka, Choryu arrives. Hidetsugu knows what this means and hoooo boy Choryu you made a stupid STUPID mistake. Hidetsugu basically chews on Choryu for a little before poisoning him and nailing him to a wall, slow roasting him over a magic stone. When he's just about to starve to death? Hidetsugu cuts a chunk of flesh off of him and feeds it to him. Holy SHIT, Hidetsugu. He also sort of kind of swears vengeance on EVERYONE responsible for Kobo's death. If there's anyone you don't want pissed at you it's Bolas Hidetsugu and his dozens of Oni. Lot of fucked people/quasi-real entities on Kamigawa. . .


Legendary Shit
Autumn-Tail - A Kitsune sage, versed in enchantments.
Azami - Head archivist at Minamo. Here's a short story about her.
Azusa - Druid from Jukai, she wanders Kamigawa aimlessly.
Ben-Ben - Akki hermit. Hunted by other akki because he smells terrible. Has an octopus hat.
Dokai - A monk of the Jukai, capable of creating grand elementals via his connection to the land.
Dosan the Falling Leaf - Oldest Kannushi on Kamigawa. That's it.
Eight-and-a-Half-Tails - Kitsune cleric. His research lead to Konda's crime. Wracked with guilt he cut part of his ninth tail off, feeling undeserved of it.
Godo - Bandit Warlord from Sokenzan. Abandoned when his parents were killed in the area, Godo grew to control the various bandit gangs in the region. Constantly fighting against Konda's forces.
Goka the Unjust - Horrid ogre shaman. Though horrid seems redundant.
Golden-Tail - Kitsune samurai, legendary as a master trainer.
He Who Hungers - A grand kami of consuming.
Hikari - Great Kami of Twilight. Defends the boundary of Night and Day. Appears as a gigantic samurai after it defeated a detail of Konda's army.
Iki Hisoka - Head of Minamo School and advisor to Konda.  Killed by Hidetsugu on his raid through Minamo. 
Horobi - Kami that personifies the massacre at Reito. Appears at the end of every battle, wailing.
Iname - Kami that personifies and celebrates life. Here's his story.
Iname - Kami that personifies and celebrates death. Here's his story.
Isamaru - Konda's trained akita hound. Ignored by Konda after his crime, became a companion of Michiko.  Released by Takeno to give the dog a chance for survival when O-Kagachi attacked Eiganjo, Isamaru fights with the citizens fleeing Eiganjo as they evacuate.  VERY good dog.
Jugan - Guardian ryuu of Jukai Forest. Sided with mortals. Defeated at the Battle of Silk. True fate unknown, what with being a Spirit Dragon and all.
Keiga - Guardian ryuu of Minamo Falls. Sided with mortals.  Destroyed while defending Minamo by Hidetsugu. 
Kenzo the Hardhearted - A goddamn Samurai, BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH OF THOSE AROUND.
Kiki-Jiki - Akki granted powers of reflection by a ryuu. Infiltrated the Soratami sky palaces. Here's a short story!
Kiku - Assassin from Numai. Assassinates via animate shadow.
Kodama of the North Tree - One of the spirits of Jukai's five trees.
Kodama of the South Tree - One of the spirits of Jukai's five trees.
Kokusho - Guardian ryuu of Takenuma Swamp that sided with mortals.
Junzo Kumano - Master Yamabushi. Has the power to kill spirits.Have a story
Takeshi Konda - Daimyo of Eiganjo. Committed the crime that cause the kami to go to war with their followers.
Kuro - Kamigawan Oni Lord of the Pit. Binds the souls of mortals and uses them as his servants.
Marrow-Gnawer - Nezumi gangleader. Fights against and with Toshiro Umezawa at points.  Killed while trying to be helpful. :( 
Masako the Humorless - Advisor to Konda. Fucking snitch.
Meloku the Clouded Mirror - Moonfolk ambassador to Eiganjo. Basically one of the ones who convinced Konda to commit his crime. Fucking asshole.
Myojin of Cleansing Fire - Kami that represents White Mana.
Myojin of Infinite Rage - Kami that represents Red Mana.
Myojin of Life's Web - Kami that represents Green Mana.
Myojin of Night's Reach - Kami that represents Black Mana and has her own plans for ending the Kami War.  By the end of this, she makes a VERY powerful enemy. 
Myojin of Seeing Winds - Kami that represents Blue Mana.
Nagao - Samurai captain in Eiganjo's army. Sent to retrieve Michiko, gets involved in defending the Kitsune. Alright guy I guess
Nighteyes the Desecrator - Nezumi mage with necromantic powers.
Ryusei - Guardian ryuu of the Sokenzan mountains. Sided with mortals.
Sachi - Daughter of Seshiro and leader of the Sakura-tribe.
Seizan - Oni who bargains power for lifeforce. This is what Oni fucking do.
Seshiro the Anointed - Great Orochi leader. First to contact the human tribes of Jukai.
Shidako - Orochi matron that. . . I honestly have no idea. Is she eating the orochi babbies to power up?
Shimatsu the Bloodcloaked - Oni who apparently is supercharged from the blood rituals of the O-bakemono
Shisato - Ruthless orochi outcast who preys upon her own kind.
Sosuke - Son of Seshiro and leader of the Kashi-tribe.
Stabwhisker the Odious - Nezumi thief-turned-shaman.
Gen. Munetsugu Takeno - General of Konda's Samurai.  Sacrifices self to save Konda during O-Kagachi's assault on Eiganjo. Comes back as a freaky ass samurai spirit thing. 
Tobita - An airbender, let's be frank here.
Tok-Tok - An Akki warrior whose life as a lavarunner granted him resistance and skill with magma
Tomoya the Revealer - A jushi from Minamo.
Towazu, the Unspeakable - Terrible Kami of unspeakable things. Has a vagina for a chest.
Uyo - Soratami prophet. Pesters the hell out of Toshiro Umezawa  until he appears out of nowhere and freezes her to death with myojin powers. 
Shujiro & Seitaro Yamazaki - Ronin brothers, captains under Godo. Read their story!
Yosei - Guardian ryuu of Towabara. Sided with mortals.  Torn in half in battle with O-Kagachi but fought on, defending Eiganjo castle from akki hordes. 
Zo-Zu the Punisher - Akki warrior that's wielding blades of ice to reflect magic holy shit rock on litle dude.

The Night of Souls' Betrayal- A terrible event when the kami of souls revolted.
Honden of Cleansing Fire - Shrine of the White Myojin. Contained within a secret chamber in Eiganjo castle, neglected since Konda's crime.
Honden of Infinite Rage - Shrine to the Red Myojin.
Honden of Life's Web - Shrine to the Green Myojin in Jukai. Ruined by mortals.
Honden of Night's Reach - Shrine to the Black Myojin.
Honden of Seeing Winds - Shrine to the Blue Myojin.

Konda's Banner - I honestly believe this is legendary just for mechanic purposes. I'm sure there are more than one of these around.
Oathkeeper - The swords of General Takeno, found within Takenuma Swamp.
Shell of the Last Kappa - Kappa are apparently extinct on Kamigawa! Finally, the cucumbers are safe.
Tatsumasa - Legendary Katana with the soul of a guardian ryuu inside.
Tenza - Godo's Maul. Literally a tree trunk with nails, tied to a chain.

Boseiju - Oldest tree in all of Kamigawa. It's cedar, if you care.
Eiganjo Castle - Daimyo Konda's castle. Located on the Towabara plains.
Hall of the Bandit Lord - Godo's shack.
Minamo Academy - Wizards school suspended above Minamo Falls.  Destroyed to fuck and back by Hidetsugu. 
Okina - Largest shrine in Jukai.
Shinka- Hidetsugu's pad.
Shizo - Cursed battlefield with many corpses mummified within the mud.
Untaidake - Tallest mountain of the Tendo peaks.

_{Jesus that's a bunch}


Back to the top.







What is a thing I an put at the top of this one, hmm. . . Let's go weird-ass Magic creature types because PFF.


_{Angel - Angels are almost always female, (there are only two male angels in Magic, one is a planar chaos weirdo) They're beings of light and purity.
Ape - Yavimaya has sentient gorillas. Yes.
Atog - Atogs own, please print more Atogs. Atogs originally were just creatures that fed on metal/artifice. Their constant diet of magical artifacts eventually lead to weirdo mutations, culminating in crossbreeds.
Beast - The most notable type of Beast are the Baloths. Baloths are gigantic, voracious fuckers that originally started ass a "make up a word, that's a monster now" in Onslaught-block. Since then they've shown up on Zendikar as well.
You've also got Mercadia's wumpuses and Naya's various behemoths like Thoctars. They're all just big lumbering things though.
Beeble - Screw with temporal energies too much and you'll end up with Beebles. Beebles are a weird biproduct of Urza's experiments in Tolaria.
Blinkmoth - Blinkmoths aren't actually insects, they're strange energy creatures native to Mirrodin New Phyrexia. Hunted to near extinction for the fluid they produce, even they were not immune to Phyrexia's influence.
Bringer - Bringers were titanic entities born of Mirrodin's suns.
Brushwagg - I'm not sure why this remains a type, to be honest, but I'm glad it does for some reason. Brushwaggs are creatures native to Jamuraan forests, they defend themselves by puffing out magically created coats of brambles.
Camarid - Camarids are the juvenile stage of Homarids and Viscerids.
Carrier - Phyrexian carriers were agents of disease and plague, specifically the plagues engineered to wipe out Dominarians.
Cat - Cat people appear all over the multiverse, from Dominaria's efravan and panther warriors to Alara's Nacatl to Mirrodin's Leonin.
Cephalid - Cephalids are goddamned octopus people, why they aren't type Octopus I don't know. The Cephalids mostly wiped out the merfolk around Otaria by sabotaging a ritual meant to boost their population after the Apocalypse.
Dauthi - A savage race seen only through your peripheral vision. The Dauthi were one of the three tribes trapped between worlds on Rath.
Drake - Drakes are small flying relatives to true dragons. The defining feature of drakes is they tend not to have arms, instead having wings for forewings.
Eldrazi - Interplanar devourers of EVERYTHING, the Eldrazi were trapped and sealed away on the plane of Zendikar, until their tomb was half opened, leaving them to rampage across the plane.
Elemental - The flamekin of Lorwyn are beings of stone and fire. Fun fact: They can control the intensity of their fire so as to not burn their clothes off. Wizards refuses to answer my question of whether they poop or not. When Lorwyn becomes Shadowmoor, the Flamekin become Cinders: sadistic, cruel beings whose lost inner-fire leads them to share their despair with other beings. - Also of Lorwyn are the Greater Elementals: beings of abstract concepts and dreams that appear as bizarre combinations of animals.
Elephant - Loxodon, the race of elephant people first seen on Mirrodin. It's often forgotten they also appear on Ravnica, however there they are a dying race not suited to the city. :(
Fox - The Kitsune-bito of Kamigawa are fox-people.
Frog - The Anurid are gigantic frog beasts from Otaria's Krosan forest.
Fungus - The Thallids were originally created as a food source for the Elves of Sarpadia. Unfortunately, they eventually developed a will to live and attacked their creators. How do you fight something that grows stronger off the remains of its dead kin?
Germ - Germs are premature Phyrexians grown in birth vats but removed far too early. They can form symbiotic relationships with Phyrexian weaponry, allowing them to "pilot" them. Similar to Phyrexian Newts.
Gnome - With one exception, gnomes in magic are all Artificial creations. Kinda neat.
Hellion - Gigantic sandworm looking fuckers with lash-like tentacles ringing a toothed maw. Fond of erupting from things suddenly.
Homarid - Crab-people from the cold waters of Dominaria: The Homarids invaded Vodalia when a chasm created by the Brothers' War opened up. Their descendants, the Viscerids, expanded even further during Dominaria's ice age.
Insect - The Nantuko of Otaria are praying Mantis druids.
Kavu - Gigantic reptiles created by Dominaria itself that awakened and fought during the Phyrexian invasion.
Kithkin - Kithkin are like hobbits but awesome. They share a mental link with each other called Thoughtweft which alerts them to danger. In Shadowmoor, this becomes overpowering, leading to extreme paranoia and distrust.
Kor - The Kor were one of the four great tribes of Rath. However, they were brought there from another plane. Kor also appear on Zendikar, could it be their homeworld?
Lhurgoyf - What makes a Lhurgoyf a lhurgoyf is debatable. The original were beasts from Terisiare that fed on carrion pulled straight from the frozen ground.
Licid - The origin of Licids is unknown. whether they were a natural species brought from another plane or something created by the Evincars is completely up to debate. Licid have the bizarre ability to latch onto and fuse with hosts, imbuing them with their power.
Masticore - Multiple mouthed mechanical manticores. . . . motherFUCKER
Metathran - Blue, magically created humanoids developed by Urza to fight during the Phyrexian invasion.
Moonfolk - The soratami of Kamigawa are blue-aligned humanoids who live in floating castles above the clouds.
Myr - Artificial constructs originally created by Memnarch to observe the Mirrans.
Nephilim - Titanic, eldritch beings of Ravnica.
Nightmare - The Cabal's dementia summoners are specialized mages that can pull creatures from their own screwed up minds. These are nightmares.
Nightstalker - Shadowy beings from Urborg and the Burning Isles, Nightstalkers are another "varied as hell" type.
Noggle - Donkey-like humanoids native to Shadowmoor. Noggle are mischievously destructive and kleptomaniacal.
Orgg - Giant ogre-like beasts with two gigantic arms and two diminutive ones.
Pentavite - A Pentavus's component.
Phelddagrif - I really wish I could give you a definitive answer on this one's origin. Purple hippo with wings. Anagram of Garfield, pHd
Pincher - Artificial life created by bizarre machines on Mirrodin.
Praetor - The big bads of Phyrexia.
Rat - Kamigawa's Nezumi are rogues, ronin, ninja and shamans that lurk in Takenuma.
Rhino - Alara's Rhoxes are mountains off rhino-men. . . that enjoy poetry and interpretive dance.
Saprolings - Be they fungal worms or wandering plants or vine-woven crystals, Saprolings are usually around somewhere.
Scarecrow - Rogue artificial creatures from Shadowmoor, scarecrows wander the countryside scaring more than crows.
Slith - The slith really are mysterious. Born from Mirrodin's core and perpetually followings its suns. Could the Slith be Phyrexian in origin?
Sliver - The one everyone knows! Sliver origins are just as mysterious as the Licids. Natural or magical creation is completely unknown. What is known is that they were wiped out from Rath, brought back via fossil like some sort of Omanyte on Otaria, and that now their horde swarms across present-day Dominaria.
Snake - Kamigawa's Orochi-bito are snake people. With four arms. SHUT. UP.
Soltari - Another of the three races caught between worlds on Rath, the Soltari are perpetually at war with the Dauthi.
Spike - Slug-like creatures created by Volrath. They can leech and share their strength with each other.
Surrakar - What the fuck is a Surrakar? Ok do you know what a Sleestak is? It's basically that. Barely sentient creatures found on Zendikar.
Tetravite - Component of a Tetravus
Thalakos - The third race stuck between worlds on Rath. The Thalakos were unfortunate enough to be stuck between the Dauthi and Soltari controlled territories.
Triskelavite - Oh come on.
Vedalken - Thin, blue humanoids. Vedalken have been found on Alara and Ravnica. A population of them were brought to Mirrodin where they developed an extra pair of arms. for some reason. Phyrexia's influence has their minds harvest from their heads and woven into a bizarre neuronetwork computer called the Meldweb.
Viashino - Distant descendants of the Elder Dragons. Viashino are lizard-like people native to Dominaria and Ravnica. Alaran Viashino also exist, far more bestial and crocodile-like than their relatives.
Volver - Magical individuals twisted by the Phyrexian planar overlay of Dominaria.
Weird - Weird are strange elementals created by the Izzet of Ravnica. They're opposite aligned elements mixed into one. A fire and steam elemental, for instance.
Wurm - Great, limbless serpentine monsters. Wurms are distant relatives to dragons.
Zombie - Mirrodin's Nim were normal Mirrans twisted and slowly turned to undeath by the necrogen gas emitted by the the Mephidross. Best described as "Fast Zombies."
Zubera - Kami trapped in the mortal world of Kamigawa when the shrines they attended were destroyed. Appear as faceless humanoids.}

Betrayers of Kamigawa

This is what happens to Konda's massive army. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Meet O-Kagachi. This is the babby that Konda stole's parent. O-Kagachi is the kami of all things. ALL kami are an aspect of O-Kagachi. He's SO masssive that only parts of him can materialize at a time. Holy SHIT what did you do, Konda?

-Michiko Time :/-
So Michiko is fucking grounded for her little escapade. Also Pearl-Ear is in prison but who cares. TOSHI-TIME.

Toshiro Umezawa sits in a bar in Numai when a foxy little lady sidles up to him. Aww ye— oh shit it's Kiku. Never mind, this is bad. Kiku works, like Toshi once did, for Boss Uramon. Guess who wants to see our buddy Toshi! Kiku leads Toshi at flower-point to Uramon, who desperately would like to know what the fuck is up with all these Soratami in the swamp lately. Toshi doesn't know, though. Heck our boy Toshi recently discovered religion~. "Ladies, ladies. I'm out." And he just sort of disappears into the shadow and bolts for Sokenzan. Remember how I said Toshi sort of twisted the bargain to worshipping the Myojin of Night's Reach? The bargain was he gets superpowers. BOOYAH. Uramon just sorta holds her forehead in her hand and looks towards Kiku and Marrow-Gnawer. "Go. . . Just go get him. God dammit, Toshi."

-BACK WITH MICHIKO- _{I guess.}
Pearl-Ear gets exiled from Eiganjo for I guess letting her idiot brother get tricked by a mage. Michiko still trapped in a cage. She does however have the material to try to cast some kanji magic she has no idea about. She fucking manages it somehow and a kanji flies off of a page towards Toshi. Sure whatever. Let's go back to Toshi now.

-TOSHI!-
So Toshi makes it to Sokenzan with Marrow-Gnawer and Kiku after him. He winds through the mountains reaching a region called the Heart of Ice. The Heart of Ice has a particular, problematic denizen—a yuki-onna. Do I have to explain what a Yuki-Onna is? Nope! I can just link an article like I do hundreds of times in these summaries. God bless you little blue text. So the Yuki-Onna makes short work of Uramon's lackies while Toshi hides in the shadows eating a sandwich or something. Kiku and Marrow-Gnawer, however are not quite dead! Toshi uses this opportunity to sorta, you know, coerce them into doing shit for him. You know, or else they die a horrible death. They are pretty keen on not being dead so they agree, Toshi does a crazy ass ritual and seals the Yuki-Onna in a ceramic tile. For some reason. He also sort of steals some of her power (via kanji) and grants it to himself (via kanji.) Shadow powers AND Ice powers. Fuck YEA.

-Konda?-
Konda, not phased in the slightest by O-KAGACHI EATING 3000 OF HIS DUDES is pretty smug about something. He's got a S-E-C-R-E-T weapon!!! It's Yosei. Yeah, he has Yosei. vOv

-MICHIKO-
Still in a cage.

-TOSHI!!!!-
So Toshi makes Kiku and Marrow-Gnawer part of his little Hyozan Reckoner clubhouse gang. Great. "Hey you guys wanna go see Hidetsugu? I bet he's go some cool shit in his house." And so the three head off to Shinka to visit Hidetsugu.

Hidetsugu's doing well, got his little wall decoration that frankly creeps everyone else out. "So. . . Those are nice," says Toshi, looking at the eight yamabushi apprentices Hidetsugu has sitting in his den, ". . . . where'd you get those?" Hidetsugu looks over from the warclub he's polishing, "Eh, killed their masters. Stole 'em. Haha, see they said no. Funny thing that, huh?" Very uncomfortable visit with Hidetsugu, yep. See, Hidetsugu is a bit miffed about Kobo's death. He's vowed vengeance, of course. Not just vengeance, TOTAL vengeance. See he has Choryu on his wall, sure. He wants more. He's going to go to Minamo. He is going to burn it down. He is going to kill everyone he finds there. Murder the staff. Enough? NOPE. He's going to somehow get to the Soratami capital. Murder the fuck out of them. Burn THAT down. Surely THAT'S enough. Hahaha, patron Kami? Yeah that's getting fed to his Oni. DO NOT. PISS OFF. HIDETSUGU.

Let's talk about Hidetsugu's oni real quick. Could it be Kuro or Shimatsu, Yukora maybe? Oh no no no. Those are small time. Hidetsugu worships THE Oni. It's pretty much the ultimate force of greed and chaos on Kamigawa. It's called, and I'm not making this up, The All-Consuming Oni of Chaos. Yep.

-TOSHI!!!!!!-
So the party knows Hidetsugu's plans now. His crazy, CRAZY plans. Toshi would like him to not do this right now. So he makes a trade. Yuki-Onna tile for Hidetsugu not murdering everyone in Minamo right away, go dick around in Jukai. Let's also do some information. One of the things that comes up? The Kami of the Crescent Moon is the boss of the Soratami. Well huh, sure. Let's go back to Numai. Get some beer or something. At this point a little kanji lands near Toshi, belches out Michiko or some shit then bursts into flames. Great job princess. No return address or anything. GOOD. JOB. Toshi, not knowing what to do in this case, consults the Myojin.

"Yo honey you gotta get my Shadow Gate. It'll let you be even MORE superwonderful," The Myojin tells Toshi. So. . . where is it? Uramon has it. GREAT. Not a problem, Toshiro's got two of her underlings. Not a problem at all! So Toshi—tied up—is lead by Marrow-Gnawer and Kiku back to Boss Uramon. Now Uramon, clearly not thinking things through as he DISAPPEARED INTO SHADOW last time, orders Toshi's death. Yeah, not gonna happen. Toshi slaughters her thugs. Uramon flees! Hahahaha oh Uramon, you bitch. Toshi stalks after her with INVISO powers because he can do that, shut up. She of course flees to the Honden of Night's Reach. Good thing she just LEAVES THE SHADOW GATE IN THE OPEN. Toshi's now. Toshi can now travel between any shadow on the plane. Wonderful. Kiku decides to off Uramon and then they just sort of wait.

-H-Hidetsugu?-
Hidetsugu stops by Godo's place on the way out and tosses him the Yuki-onna tile. "Yeah have fun with it, it'll kill Konda's shit. Don't mind my boys, going on an errand to Jukai." So Godo releases the Yuki-Onna which yeah, totally kills Konda's men. Yay.

-Konda. . . -
So. Southern Towabara, guess what materiaO-KAGACHI. O-Kagachi can sense where That Which Was Taken is. He's headed for it now even. Go God, Go! O-Kagachi it turns out. . . is not that fast. He's sorta just moving towards Eiganjo at a leisurely pace blinking in and out. Yosei flies out to defend Towabara. Yeah that doesn't work well. He gets ripped in half. Yeaaaah . . .

-TOSHI-SAN~~~~-
Great, Toshi's a shadowwalker now. Does lotsa things. Visits Shinka and mercy kills Choryu, I guess. Does. . . does that make Toshi the betrayer of Kamigawa? EITHER WAY. To Jukai! Toshi finds Pearl-Ear and basically says he'll bring Michiko but she has to promise not to let her go to Minamo. She agrees so, Eiganjo Castle, Michiko's room then back to Jukai. "DO NOT GO TO MINAMO. YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. Okay seeya princess."

-Michiko. ]:/-
So Michiko and Pearl-Ear head to Minamo. God what the hell is wrong with you people. At least Toshi was smart enough to follow along while invisible. Yep! So Michiko and everyone are talking to Hisoka, who is USELESS. Suddenly Mochi and moonfolk girl Chiyo shows up and silences the fucker. Toshi decides to follow Chiyo home. They fight. Toshi releases a oni that Hidetsugu lent him a while back, it bites Chiyo's face off. AWESOME. Toshi shadowwalks back down and just lets the oni run hog wild in Oboro.

-Kondaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
Konda and Takeno are basically fully prepare to face O-Kagachi, even though he's obliterating and killing EVERYTHING DESPITE the kami-child's power. Takeno takes a column to the chest for Konda and gets thrown out the GAPING HOLE IN THE WALL. Konda starts feeling bad.

-TOSHI EVEN THOUGH THE LAST ONE WAS MOSTLY TOSHI!!-
Time for monologue. Mochi explains the kami war's origins to Michiko again blah blah bluh. "O-Kagachi? Yeah he'll destroy the world to get that kid back. Yep." SUDDENLY Toshi makes his dramatic reveal. "MORE LIKE YOU'RE GONNA LET IT DESTROY KONDA AND EIGANJO, EH, MOCHI? THEN GONNA INVADE WITH THE SORATAMI, HUH? Hey Mochi check this out." Toshi shadowwalks to Eiganjo's throne room, STEALS THAT WHICH WAS TAKEN and takes it back to Minamo. O-Kagachi disappears! Konda's left alone wondering if it was all worth it what with Takeno's death when Takeno reappears—as a horrible ghost samurai thing. All of the samurai that were killed by O-Kagachi do. The boundary between life and death is really twisted around O-Kagachi's wake. Konda wants to play again!

-HIDETSUGU. SHIT.-
Hidetsugu and his Yamabushi arrive at Minamo. Yeah like he was really gonna screw with the Orochi for long. Hey, what guards Minamo? Keiga does! Keiga goes down like a bitch. Oops! Hidetsugu and his hunters just start basically lighting fires and killing shit. Hisoka tries to parley with Hidetsugu to let people evacuate. Hidetsugu bites his head off. Lots of mayhem and just all around destruction everywhere. Hidetsugu decides to let his All-Consuming Oni of Chaos appear to feed on the chaos. Shit.

-Toshi?!-
Toshi is shadowwalking with That Which Was Taken and is stopped in the Myojin's realm. "Yo honey, that shit is bad juju. Keep that shit FAR away. OK get out." Toshi exits at Minamo "to take part in the reckoning." Pushes over some potted plants or something. Hidetsugu knows this is weak shit and shows off even moooooore vengeance. ONI all over Oboro. ALL OVER OBORO. Lotta Soratami getting murdered as this goddamn hellbeast just sort of begins materializing above Minamo. Toshi quickly gets team Michiko-is-a-Dumbass the fuck out of there back to Jukai then solves one more little hitch with his shit: He gets out of his Hyozan oath thanks to some clever Myojin-power/Kanji-powered magic.

Shit is really beginning to go DOWN.


Legendary Shit
Azamuki - A kami of treachery residing in the body of a simple sanzoku (mountain bandit).
Chisei - A strange kami of intelligence said to reward the finding of patterns within thoughts.
Fumiko the Lowblood - Bitter, ruthless ronin samurai who works for Godo.
Hidetsugu - The warden of Shinka, the ogre hermitage high in the Sokenzan range. A powerful ogre-mage who serves a great oni.  Hidetsugu trashes so much goddamn shit, goddamn . Hidetsugu, as an aside, is my favorite general in Commander.
Higure - A legendary ninja said to have many lesser ninja in his employ.Higure's Story
Hokori - Kami of drought. Attacks with massive duststorms suddenly.
Ichiga - A mighty forest kami residing in the body of a simple monk.
Ink-Eyes - Nezumi ninja bound to Kuro in servitude. Rat ninja lady's story
Isao - A skilled samurai who was once in Konda’s service, but who turned away from the courtly life to seek a deeper wisdom in the Jukai Forest. He's totally wearing bones and deer antlers as armor.
Ishi-Ishi - A goblin marksman made cranky by the presence of kami and the use of kami magic. Look at his little goat. :D
Iwamori of the Closed Fist - A budoka eager to prove his fighting skill against any and all challengers.Iwamori's story
Jaraku the Interloper - A meddlesome kami of manipulations residing in the body of a simple wizard.
Kaiso - A protective kami of lingering loyalties residing in the body of a simple samurai’s attendant.
Kentaro - A legendary, charismatic samurai who recruits warriors for the daimyo Konda. Story time~
Kira - An infamous kami that can ward itself and others against spells using coatings of magical glass. FUCKING, OBNOXIOUS.
Kodama of the Center Tree - Great spirit of one of Jukai's five trees.
Kyoki - An oni whose gaze brings about madness.
Mannichi - A mischievous, strange little kami of fevers and hallucinations.
Opal-Eye - Konda's personal bodyguard. She's a kitsune, if the naming scheme hasn't caught on yet.
Oyobi - Great kami of the sky and winged creatures.
Patron of the Akki - Patron kami of the Akki. Although it's technically worshipped by the Akki, the Patron cares almost nothing for them, demanding great sacrifices before it indulges their requests.
Patron of the Kitsune - Patron kami of the Kitsune race.
Patron of the Moon - Patron kami of the Sora- oh my god it's a gigantic rabbit look at it. LOOK AT IT.
Patron of the Nezumi - Oh come on you know what this is, goddamn.
Patron of the Orochi - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa.
Sakiko - An orochi matron who has mastered the art of drawing green mana from her enemies’ holdings.
Scarmaker - A brutal kami of- look it's the same as Kaiso and Jaraku and shit. Figure it out.
Shirei - A legendary kami, a kind of shepherd of the dead, who watches over the cursed battlefield, Shizo.
Shizuko - A powerful orochi shaman and rival of Sakiko who believes the orochi should be self-sufficient and uninvolved in the kami war.
Tomorrow - Azami's kami familiar. Not quite sure how that works, to be honest.
Toshiro Umezawa - Hero of the Kami War. Kanji mage whose cunning always barely gets him not-killed.  His bloodline eventually leads to another great hero. . .  
Yomiji - The sacred and revered kami who guards the passage from life into death.
Yukora - It took ninety-nine monks to weave the spell that trapped Yukora. Upon the death of the ninety-nine, the spell was broken, and the demon returned to the mortal world seeking vengeance for its imprisonment.

Day of Destiny - I really wanna tell you this is some great battle from the storyline but it doesn't synch up to anything. Isamaru's in the art, though!
Genju of the Realm - Great spirit of Kamigawa itself.

That Which Was Taken - God-child stolen by Daimyo Konda on the night of his daughter's birth to grant himself immortality. Linked to Michiko Konda.
Umezawa's Jitte - FUCKING UNFUN TO PLAY AGAINST. Toshiro Umezawa's Jitte he uses to perform kanji magic.

Gods' Eye - Mysterious shrine said to be a boundary between the Kakuriyo and utsushiyo.

_{Not as many that time}

Back to the top.







Well it's been a while, lets get a timeline update! Only things related to things that've been summarized. Shit happens all over.

<sub>The list of shit that has happened so far!
Oldest Shit
-The Dragons War-
Across multiple worlds, the Elder dragons are at war. Nicol Bolas and his siblings (plus a cousin) and their offspring are the ultimate victors. Their bloodlines eventually lead to Dominaria's dragons, drakes, wurms and viashino.

-5000ish years later
-The first planeswalker battle on Dominaria-
Nicol Bolas battles a demonic leviathan at Madara. The battle is so cataclysmic that Madara is only a third of its former size in the aftermath and Dominaria's time stream itself was damaged. The remains of the leviathan become Madara's Talon Gates, Bolas's most prized trophy.
-Sivitri Scarzam's story takes place in Corondor.
-Rabiah refracts 1000 times.
-Taysir ascends.
-Serra's Realm is created.

-10,000ish years later
-The Thran Empire is created on Dominaria.
-Creation of Phyrexia/Fall of the Thran empire.
-Dominaria's Null Moon enters orbit.

-LATER STILL
-Dakkon Blackblade, Sol'Kanar and Geyadrone Dihada's stories.

-Sarpadian empire of Vodalia, Jamuraan nation of Zhalfir and the Sheoultun Empire on Aerona founded.
-Zhalfir masters magic.

-5000 years after the Thran Empire
-The Brothers' War
-The Shard of Twelve Worlds begins to form.


-The Dark Ages
-Urza's grandson Jarsyl discovers a gate to Phyrexia.
-Sarpadia's empires fall one by one.
-Tev Loneglade ascends, becoming Tevesh Szat.
-150 years later- The necromancer Nevinyrral uses a relic in Urborg. Urborg-Bogardan war abruptly ends for obvious reasons. Urborg changes from verdant rainforest to fetid swamp.
-100 years later - Lord Ith is imprisoned by Mairsil
-20 years later - The events of The Gathering Dark.
-Tivadar's Crusade

-Dominaria's Ice Age begins
-Jodah's wife, Sima, dies. Jodah starts losing his shit and starts to go mad. Saves his sanity by using his mirror to backup his memories, wipe his mind, then regain the memories from the mirror with no emotional attachment. He does this every 100 years.
-The Shard of Twelve Worlds is fully formed.
-Urza Planeswalker meets the Phyrexian newt, Xantcha on an unspecified plane.
-Urza wages a direct assault on Phyrexia, fails & retreats to Serra's Realm.
-Phyrexia begins corrupting Serra's Realm, forcing Serra to leave.

-2000 years later-
Thanks to Tevesh Szat, the kingdom of Storgard falls. Freyalise ascends. Kjeldor founded.

-Urza and Xantcha arrive on Equilor.

-The Necromancer Lim-Dûl terrorizes Terisiare.
-Summit of the Null Moon - Faralyn, Leshrac, Lim-Dûl and Tevesh-Szat escape the Shard of Twelve Worlds to Shandalar.
-Freyalise casts the world spell, ending the Ice Age and restoring the Shard.
-The events on Shandalar.

Flood Ages
-Kristina leaves Taysir. Taysir tries to get back into Rabiah the way Leshrac got out of Dominaria (by killing planeswalkers). He hunts down Leshrac but can't come to kill him. So he imprisons him in Phyrexia for a while. BECAUSE THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER, TAYSIR.
-Jodah and Jaya Ballard goin' around, solving mysteries and kickin' ass.
-Flooding from the rising temperature floods Fyndhorn, survivors are lead to Yavimaya by Kaysa.
-Sheoltun Empire collapses and is reformed into Benalia by Torsten von Ursus.

-20 years or so later
-Lim-Dûl returns on Shandalar and just causes a mess of shit. Events of the Microprose game.
-Kjeldor and Balduvia unite as New Argive
-Jodah and Jaya kicking more ass and solving more mysteries. Jaya Ballard ascends.
-Coldsnap's retarded, retarded bullshit.

-50 years or so later
-The stupid bullshit storylines from the comics AAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY ARE THEY SO BAD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK.

-80 years or so later
-Urza and Xantcha return to Dominaria
-Empress Galina pops out of a time thing and conquers Etlan Shiis (Atlantis), founding New Vodalia.

-200 years or so later.
-All that shit with Xantcha and Urza and Ratepe.
-Urza wipes out all or nearly all of Phyrexia's sleeper agents on Dominaria. Gix is destroyed.
-The Tolarian Academy is founded.

-400 years later
-On Ulgrotha, the Tolgath and Ancients wage war, resulting in the Apocalypse chime ringing, destroying nearly all life and mana on Ulgrotha.
-Kamigawa's planar boundaries are weakened by the destruction on Ulgrotha.
-The Kami War rages on Kamigawa.
-Baron Sengir abandoned on Ulgrotha after a planeswalker duel.

-Events of Homelands.

-The REST of the STUPID, FUCKING COMICS. FUCK.</sub>

Back to the story!

Saviors of Kamigawa

So where did we leave off? Oh right, O-Kagachi, The Great Old Serpent, Kami of all Things, is pissed and rampaging in the general direction of That Which Was Taken. Daimyo Konda is super hyped with his freaky-ass half-ghost samurai army. Hidetsugu has devastated Minamo and is summoning his All Consuming Oni of Chaos. Michiko is in the goddamn woods. Toshiro Umezawa stole That Which Was Taken and got out of his Hyozan oath. Mochi, The Kami of the Crescent Moon was behind the whole damn thing. BIG. SHOCK.

Toshi, free of his whole "If I draw blood from someone with the same tattoo, I pretty much die" oath, heads back to Minamo where Hidetsugu is still just sort of killing and smashing shit. Toshi asks if Hidetsugu is satisfied yet. Haha he's not! Hidetsugu is planning to keep ruining Oboro up next.


Now, Toshi could attack Hidetsugu here, what with the Hyozan oath being removed, but that's only if he—even with his super darkness/ice powers]—wanted to literally get chewed to bits. Toshi needs some allies. Problem: His list of "people that don't hate Toshi" is pretty small. Michiko is useless in a fight, Michiko's party hates him for the whole Choryu thing, Hidetsugu is. . yeah, so that leaves Kiku and Marrow-Gnawer. TO NUMAI!

Meanwhile, in Sokenzan, the Yuki-onna Godo released has been doing a great job freezing Konda's men. Except now it's also freezing Godo's.

So hey we're back in Numai. Howabout some backstory? Kiku belongs to a cult of shadow magic users. They all do the sort of things she does. BACKSTORY OVER they're all dead. Surprise. The Soratami came through Takenuma and were just, you know, murdering threats to them. Kiku's cult counted. Plus side! Kiku murdered all of the attackers before they could kill her. Down side! She did it via a curse her elders placed on her. She's insane and can now Green Lantern the fuck out of shit with solid shadows. So Toshi finds her being, you know, mad as a hatter. Kiku pleads for Toshi to help her and indeed he does! So Toshi and Kiku get it on all black magic style and in the morning Kiku's uncursed. TOSHIRO UMEZAWA: HE FUCKS AWAY CURSES. Hot damn. Toshi keeps the curse he removed from her in a ceramic tile. No part of that is an euphemism.

THE NEXT MORNING, over eggs, Kiku refuses to help Toshi with his whole Hyozan thing. Toshi explains that he will get her out of the thing that made her do what he wanted to do by her doing a thing he wants her to do. She agrees, they go get Marrow-Gnawer wherever the fuck he is and they head off to Minamo on a gigantic moth Toshi steals and are on to fight a pissed off Obakemono shaman hellbent on vengeance and his crazy ass all-devouring oni (of chaos). So first thing he finds when he arrives? A bunch of Konda's men are fighting with the Oni's infinite mouths that devour, you know, EVERYTHING. Toshi sends them to the same place he sends everyone (the woods) and heads back to Minamo. As soon as he gets there Toshi gets attacked by the stupid fucking Oni Dog he released earlier. GOD, JUST GET TO THE FIGHT THAT WE ALL KNOW IS COMING ALREADY. Kiku kills it but hey, Hidetsugu has all those yamabushi with him you fucking idiots. They get captured and Hidetsugu just sort of like, grabs Kiku and Toshi. "Yo Toshi check it out you fucking idiot, you just have to kill them without making them bleed, jeez" and he just starts squeezing the life out of them. That was fast. Marrow-Gnawer, not understanding and thinking the oath has been broken leaps at Hidetsugu and stabs him in the eye. He drew blood. Marrow-Gnawer's out of commission but Hidetsugu drops Kiku who lands on her stupid curse tile and goes all super Kiku again. Kiku and Hidetsugu just start punching the SHIT out of each other which I bet is pretty awesome but whatever. Kiku eventually goes down because Hidetsugu is a blood and vengeance powered badass and he starts crushing the shit out of her again. Jitte to the eye! Toshi blinds Hidetsugu and—oh. Shit. O-Kagachi's here. Toshi still has That which Was Taken hidden nearby. GREAT. So Hidetsugu (blind) gloats about how his Oni GOD is gonna fuck up O-Kagachi. Which it promptly does by getting torn in half effortlessly by The Great Old Serpent and running away like a scared little baby. Hidetsugu is so. . . dejected by this utter defeat of his Patron spirit and he just. . . doesn't wanna play anymore. He asks Toshi to send him to the Honden of the All-Consuming, and he does. THREAT OVER. Toshi does have to off Marrow-Gnawer though, out of mercy with Kiku's hatchet. He feels pretty bad about it. Kiku gets sent back to Numai, still cursed but not as much.

Toshi shadow-walks to Jukai to one of his stupid caves he apparently has all over the place and rests. While he's sleeping he has visions and a disembodied voice speaking with him. All of the people he's hurt (recently) appear to him: Uramon, Choryu, Godo, Marrow-Gnawer. All blaming him for their shi- OROCHI. Yeah Orochi live in Jukai, Toshi. You forgot this. Toshi's brought before Sosuke and basically witnesses some crazy ass shit: the Soratami are attacking Jukai from the air. Good thing Jukai has a guardian dragon and a ton of shamans who can summon it. Toshi has another vision, this time of the Yuki-Onna killing everyone in Sokenzan. Feeling guilty, Toshi shadow-walks to the mountains and starts undoing the kanji binding the yuki-onna to the area it was released. Suddenly the Myojin of Night's Reach pops up. "Hey Toshi-honey, you're smarter than this. You know someone's manipulating you with telepathy and shit." Toshi does! He undoes a bunch of the kanji on the yuki-onna but really just paralyzes it. Like hell he's giving up his ice powers that easy. Basically he releases her and gets to keep her iciness long enough to pop back into Oboro. Toshi erupts from a shadow in front of Uyo, one of the Soratami's big bad telepaths and tells her to CUT IT OUT. (He does it with ice powers. Uyo is dead as her big ol' frozen brain shatters on the floor.) Attaboy. Toshi heads back to Jukai.

So what's in Jukai? Less-than-friendly Orochi waging war against definitely-not-friendly Soratami. Konda's forces, all the people he's sent to the woods and, hey let's just top it off: O-Kagachi is manifesting nearby, still coming for his stupid mystical kami babby stone disc. Toshi, pretty much out of options, breaks a big rule. He takes That Which Was Taken through the Myojin's Honden. She flips her shit boy I tell you what! Toshi is ejected from the realm, fired from his acolyte position and stripped of not only his superpowers but his kanji too. Shit.

Still in Jukai though! Toshi gets to Michiko, tells her what the fuck That Which Was Taken is and presses her into touching it. "C'mon, touch it." Little does she know Toshi wrote "Sisters" and "united" on it in his own blood. Michiko touches it and holy SHIT does it get anime in here. That Which Was Taken becomes all humanoid ladyish with dragon features. This is really happening. They name her Kyodai. This is really happening. Kyodai and Michiko magical girl henshin the fuck up and get like swords and a bow and shit. This is really happening. They fly off into the sky doing all sorts of crazy goddamn anime spirit bullshit. This is really happening. They basically take out a bunch of O-Kagachi's heads one by one, causing him to shrink with each one they drop. This is really happening. When hes small enough and only has two heads, they each bite off a head and throw the body aside. This is really happening. Konda shows up, Kyodai turns him to stone and shatters him but leaves him alive and still perceptive in his shattered to fuck body. Still happening. Kyodai and Michiko are the Pretty Japanesey Magical Guardian Sisters of Kamigawa now. Everyone is just watching this confused and awestruck as the most crazy bullshit thing in the world just fucking happened in front of them.

Mochi appears! He tries to brown nose his way up to the sisters. Being not-stupid they open a gate to The Honden of the All-Consuming. Hidetsugu pops out with a fresh new pair of eyes and a rather fashionable robe. "S'up, I merged with my god, I'm your counterpart now. How y'all doin'?" Hidetsugu undoes his robe and he has THE INFINITE JAWS OF HIS ONI for a stomach. Hidetsugu rips Mochi apart and devours him. Yes.

EPILOGUE! Toshi wanders down a dusty road and gets stabbed in the chest. Haha it's Chiyo, she's got a stupid crescent moon mask on to cover her horrible oni bite wound. The Myojin of Night's Reach appears suddenly! "Hey Toshi honey, I forgive you. Want my power again~?" He does! Ruins the shit out of Chiyo and gets to talking with his patron spirit. See, the Myojin really kind of wanted to prolong the Kami War. With the boundaries blurred by O-Kagachi, she found a neat little trick: she could move through the boundary between worlds. She really liked this! The Myojin takes Toshi and drops him off somewhere. Somewhere foreign. He's definitely not on Kamigawa anymore. The Myojin leaves him with one more parting gift: blindness. Good job, Toshi. Way to ruin a good thing for someone. Stranded on a strange world, thankfully in a swamp, Toshi sets off to do some shit in this new world. The region is Madara. The plane is Dominaria.

The Sisters of Flesh and Spirit and Hidetsugu still stand as the balancing forces of Kamigawa, acknowledging that they are opposites of, but still require each others' existence. The Kami War has ended and the peoples of Kamigawa can finally rebuild their destroyed world.

Legendary Shit
Adamaro - The feared kami of a famed human warrior who was consumed by his own anger and envy.
Akuta - A legendary kami of ashes and ruin.
Arashi - The great kami of monsoons and typhoons, whose appearance was always accompanied by storms of shinen.
Ayumi - The kami who “reclaimed” abandoned places in the name of nature. Ayumi's story
Bounteous Kirin - The Kirin are spirits that sided with the kami, though really didn't want to.
Celestial Kirin - I'll be honest. I have no idea why the kirin are legendary aside from being rare creatures.
Cloudhoof Kirin - . . . yep. That's a kirin all-right.
Erayo - A soratami woman whose meditations enabled her to transcend the material world.
Homura - A human monk whose meditations allowed him to grant the power of dragons to his allies.
Iizuka the Ruthless - A ruthless human ronin and leader who some said studied blood magic with oni masters. Iizuka's story
Iname as One - Iname's two aspects merged into one entity. This is probably a final boss-type thing.
Infernal Kirin - Hmm hmmmm
Jiwari - The great kami of earthquakes, whose appearance was always preceded by waves of shinen. Has earthworms for eyes.
Kagemaro - The dreaded kami of the first human to be so evil that his spirit became an oni.
Kaho - The female human jushi who served as Minamo's historian during the first half of the Kami War.
The Kami of the Crescent Moon - Pretty much behind the whole Kami War thing in a power grab. Eaten by Hidetsugu at the end. Call him Mochi~
Kataki - Kami of Retribution. Funny story he was designed specifically to counter Ravager-Affinity. . . except they banned the components of it a week prior to Saviors' release. Kataki's Story
Kiyomaro - The ancient kami of Kamigawa's first Daimyo.
Kuon - An o-bakemono whose blood-magic meditations elevated him into the essence of pain and agony.
Maga - A wicked human jushi rumored to be in the service of oni.
Masumaro - The once-revered kami of the first human to live by the ways of the kami.
Michiko Konda - Ughghhhhhhhhh. Sole heir and daughter of Daimyo Konda.  Now Kamigawa's anime-as-fuck guardian along with her weird-ass kami sister. 
Reki - The human monk on whose body the history of the Kami War was written.
Rune-Tail - A kitsune whose meditations enabled him to bless his followers with immortality.
Sakashima the Impostor - A legendary human master of disguise. He has a side story~
Sasaya - An orochi female whose meditations enabled her to meld her life force with that of the forest.
Sekki - The great kami of the turning of the seasons.
Skyfire Kirin - bleh bleh bluh
Soramaro - The once-respected kami of a famous half-human, half-soratami wizard.
Urami - A legendary oni caged underground for centuries.

Meishin - A fabled magic said to imprison others inside its caster's mind.

Mikokoro - A sacred island of crystal that sits amid one of Kamigawa's seas.
Miren - A haunted well deep within Takenuma.
Oboro - The palace in the clouds that's the main home of the soratami. Ravaged by Hidetsugu's oni.
Tomb of Urami - Tomb of. . . Urami. vOv

Back to the top.

Planar Spotlight: Ravnica

Everybody loves Ravnica. Ravnica is a world that is covered entirely by a gigantic city. Most of the city is underpopulated and in disrepair but the parts that aren't holy shit they're awesome. Ravnica, in its past (referring to now as the present, I guess) was under the influence of a powerful enchantment known as the Guildpact. Ten factions were constantly waging war across Ravnica, just utterly wrecking shit. The Guildpact stopped this! It set up statutes and limitations, ordinances for each guild. By making each faction have a role, the Guildpact would basically twist and alter circumstance to make any time a guild would try to dick another not mean shit. However. . . it's not as if there are ever loopholes in these sort of legal and/or magical documents that certain people in power could look to exploit. . .

Not all Ravnicans are affiliated with a guild; the vast majority don't, even. However, the guilds were simply a part of daily life on Ravnica.

Ravnica's planar boundaries are a little . . . wonky, at some point something happened (hmm hmm hmm) and it was essentially sealed off from the rest of the Multiverse. This is no longer the case, as it's the current plane of residence to Planeswalking Superstar Jace Beleren, among others.

Ravnica: City of Guild's Featured Guilds
The Boros Legion
Parun: Razia - The second signer of the Guildpact, a fiery archangel.
Guildmaster: Razia
Guildhall: Sunhome
Roles: The Boros exist to keep order and enforce the law of the Guildpact. Their most visible section of the Boros are the Wojek, the law enforcement units.
THEY ARE THE LAW.

The Golgari Swarm
Parun: Svogthir, the greatest necromancer ever to exist on the plane. Svogthir managed to trap his own soul within his body, something no other Golgari has figured out how to do. He was the third to sign the Guildpact, after Razia and Azor—a major event that led the other "chaos" guilds to sign.
Guildmaster: The leadership mantle of the Golgari is contested.
Guildhall: Svogthos
Roles: The Golgari live in Old Ravnica, below the city. They are hunters and providers of food for Ravnica's lower classes.
They're a bunch of dark elves (devkarin) and also a bunch of freaks (tetratogens). They do not like each other.

The Selesnya Conclave
Parun: Mat'selesnya, a collection of ancient dryads fused into one elemental.
Guildmaster: The Chorus of the Conclave, a collection of dryads and three not-dryads.
Guildhall: Vitu-Ghazi
Roles: The Selesnyans are basically the major religious function on Ravnica. They're all about the community. Their ledev warriors patrol the streets, protecting travelers.
A bunch of hippies. That's what.

House Dimir
Parun: House Dimir doesn't exist.
Guildmaster: House Dimir doesn't exist.
Guildhall: House Dimir doesn't exist.
Roles: House Dimir doesn't exist.
House Dimir doesn't exist.


Ravnica bullshit made-up words
Devkarin - Basically dark elves from the Undercity
Haazda - Volunteer organization that enforces the laws outside of the cities.
Killguilder - Assassin who targets guildmembers
Ledev - Highway guard warriors of Selesnya. They ride giant wolves and other animals. (But usually wolves)
Matka - Golgari high priestess
Parun - Founder of a guild, one of the original signers of the Guildpact
Silhana - Basically the not-dark elves.
Teardrops - Magical first-aid. Slivers of pure mana; they absorb into wounds dissolving any non-organic matter and healing the patient.
Teratogens - Golgari guildmembers that aren't devkarin/human. Nagas, harpies, gorgons, etc.
Wojek - Law enforcement officers of the Boros legion
Woundseeker - Ghosts of the murdered who hunt those that wronged them

I'm going to preface this right now with I recommend reading the actual book if you are going to read the novels. It's a fun read and it really is basically "Cop-Story goes Magical." There are so many little details that just make it a fun read.

17 Griev, 9943 ZC
A blood red falcon lands on the shoulder of constable Agrus Kos. He and his partner/mentor Lt. Myczil Zunich are finishing up the day's paperwork when fuck that, falcon's got a case. They could call it a day but fuck that. Falcon orders. The two wojek officers depart for the abandoned Parha industrial district. Parha had been slated by the Orzhov for evacuation, demolition and reclamation. Ain't nobody supposed to be there. But hey, there are people there. They end up at a shipping warehouse. Lotta crates. Via bullshit magic forensic dust, they determine there are 40-50 corpses inside, but then the dust only counts to 50. Kos knocks on the door. No answer. Knocks again. No answer. Knocks a third time and a goddamned Rakdos half-demon bursts through the door, freaked out of his fucking MIND. Lt. Zunich dispatches it with his sword but holy crap. The two Boros approach the door and witness probably the worst scene they've ever seen. Pile of parts. Bloody goddamn parts, Twenty-two by their count. Troll, orcs, goblins, humans big pile of Rakdos cultist corpses. Corpsists.

Kos. while doing his best to keep his guts down looks up (you know, to look away from the pile of parts) and see ghosts. Very clearly ghosts. Ghosts of the people in the pile! So what do these guys do with ghost? Hell yeah we're gonna interrogate them. The spirits of the dead linger on Ravnica. If something dies it is probably leaving a ghost behind. These ghosts don't stay long however, before disappearing to Agyrem, the ghost quarter. Kos gets out a bullshit magic forensic box, slams it on the ground and it traps the ghost of the dead troll. The only answers he can get out of the troll are "Heeeee caaaaaaaallllssssss. Reeeeeeleeeeease meeeeeeeee. Muuuuuust fooooolllloooooooow. Heeeee iiiissssss aaaaalllll heeeee iiiiiis neeeeeear."

Great. They release the ghost and get back to detectiving. All the bodies are mangled and dismembered: no slash marks, they were literally torn apart and left to bleed out. Lt. Zurich notices another issue: Ain't no ladies in the pile. Now, this is important for a reason: the boss of the Rakdos gang is a woman named Palla. So where the hell is she? There's a distinct lack of Rakdos slaves as well. So, the obvious inquiry next: crack open them crates. Hey guess what heads. Elf heads, human heads. Even the head of a fellow wojek who went missing while on leave and was thought a deserter. All of em frozen in the scream the made as they were decapitated. Kos wretches in the corner. They hear a sneeze above them. The pair heads north to investigate and finds a terrified goblin. They can't get anything from the goblin whose eyes dart panicked between the two officers before focusing and widening on something behind Kos. The goblin bolts, throwing itself out a window as this bizarre cloaked form. Someone physical was there, cloaked with illusion magic. The shape cast the silhouette of a slim figure carrying a sack of some sort. The sack has a hand raise up from it before the figure launches straight into the air. They get to the roof and see a figure running off, white skull painted on their face. Tonight, the two wojek are pulling a double shift.

COP-STORY PROLOGUE. YEAH.

23 Zuun, 9999 ZC
57 years later, Lt. Agrus Kos is in a gathering hall watching a recreation of the signing of the Guildpact. An angel and a cyclops begin battle before a vampire n a bad costume drops from the ceiling. A lawmage enters from the side and then the cyclops just starts throwing down. The crowd is confused. . . the Clash of Two Champions shouldn't begin for a while. Hell they only have five guild paruns so far. And then the cyclops rams its legendary paper maché axe into the head of the lawmage.

At this point, Agrus is sprinting up to the stage which is fine. Shit was boring. As he leaps on stage, the crowd starts booing and he swears he hears one obnoxious woman complain about the anachronism of a Wojek showing up at the signing. Long story short, after a scuffle, it turns out the cyclops is an actor under a glamor who got way to into it. Thanks to the intervention of Kos and the angel—a real angel—they secure and apprehend the faux-cyclops. See. Their little annex to their theater interferes with space on the street for stalls. It's the decamillenial of the Guildpact after all. Can't be doin that. The angel, Feather, agrees to take their prisoner back to headquarters while Kos heads to the Backwater. Yes, it is a bar.

- - -

One of the theatergoers is a silk merchant from outside Ravnica City. He came here and was so enthralled with the display that he hasn't realized his obnoxious wife who talked through the whole fucking show is missing. Panicked he searches for her, he keeps getting glimpses of her from behind, walking away. Seems like her robes have been bleached, weird. He weasels his way through the crowds on the streets, avoiding merchants, food sellers and a viashino . . . female(?) on a street corner, tricks himself into getting tricked by an orzhov-backed owl-woman jewelry merchant before finally catching up to his wife in a dark alley. It's at this point his heart sinks. He sees an aura. He knows what that aura means. Every Ravnican does. He should run but can't, he looks into the face of his wife's ghost and screams.

- - -

Meanwhile at Backwater, Kos is drunkenly picking a fight with a minotaur. Minotaur don't want no trabble, he's just trying to have a civil conversation with his friend, a goblin Izzet magewright. So anyway after kicking the minotaur in the gut for not drunkenly fighting him Kos ends up in a chandelier. Sergeant Bel Borca, his partner shows up, cuts his belt to get him down and informs him a falcon was looking for him. The brass is lookin' for him. Something important but noooo he had to go drinkin'. He's seen some shit, man. Borca doesn't help. Borca joined 10 years ago after the last Rakdos uprising. Lotta good wojek died in that uprising. Lotta friends. Kos always wondered why Zurich drank. He's definitely learned over the years.

So they get to Centerfort, the main base for the Boros. All sorts of brass there: The general-commander himself, various captains, an Azorius lawmage, even a quietman from the Selesnya conclave. Selesnyans wanna just record this shit for history. Decamillenial and shit. Kind of like those bicentennial quarters here in the US. Kos is questioned as to why they think he's here. "Well, seeing as how you have declined reply to my request to avoid retirement. you are going to offer me a promotion. I'm assuming that you, general-commander, are going to retire soon. You gave Commander Valenco here as your nomination for your replacement. The good captain over there has been celebrating her promotion as evidenced by the empty wine glass in front of her. You need an Azorius witness to make this official. You have all of this other brass here to 'impress' me. You have my moron of a partner here because I'm assuming he's getting my current beat. I will admit I have no idea what is up with Silent McNoFace in the corner though. Is that close?" "Eerily."

Of course, Kos does not want to give up his beat. "Hey yeah, gonna decline. Just retire me." "Haha, no. Remember that 'don't-retire-me' request? Granting it. You're captain in five days. Deal with it. PS Captains can still patrol you big idiot." That night, Kos is returning to his apartment (He lost his house to his most recent ex-wife), drops his key and as he's picking it up catches a glimpse of a Wojek ghost down the way. Fun fact: seeing the ghost of your 57 year long dead mentor/partner will fuck you up. Lot of guilt builds up. Especially since Kos had killed Zunich himself.

- - -

On the outskirts of Ravnica City, a half-elf ledev woman is riding on a giant golden wolf, escorting a loxodon. Ravnica owns. The Loxodon is basically Elephant Pope. Father Bayul has a gigantic green crystal triangle lodged in his forehead. He's a member of the Chorus of the Conclave: the ruling group of the Selesnya Conclave and one of the few that aren't a dryad. The ledev, Fonn is having a lovely chat with Bayul as they travel when Bayul stops. He tells Fonn that someone is planning them harm. Fonn looks around in this crowded goddamn marketplace and tries to figure out who. Turns out it's the Gruul weirdos riding on dinosaurs. GO. FIGURE. A goblin and viashino one are wrecked pretty quick while a human warrior is the last to actually attack. Fonn hits him with an arrow, paralyzes him then holds him to the ground with her foot. She interrogates the Gruul warrior when a Haazda soldier pops out trying to figure out what's going on. As Fonn begins to explain a dagger suddenly appears in the haazda's neck. Fuck! Fonn gives chase towards the direction the dagger came from, leaving her wolf Biracazir and Bayul to keep the Gruul down. Fonn sprints up a goddamn ladder after this shrouded, smoky veiled assassin. Rather than chase this fucker across the rooftops she just arrows him. Guy falls dead, knocks her into a trash heap. Great. Gruul warrior starts fighting wolf, Fonn shows up. Offs the gruul. Adventure! Inspecting the assassin's body they find a sharp silver tooth. A killguilder from the Rakdos was working with the Gruul.

- - -
Kos divides up the lieutenants and sergeants into their tasks for the day. Various generic shit, also tells Borca that he's getting training for becoming a lieutenant. Hot damn. As Kos is leaving, his captain stops him. The silk merchant from the show (you know, dead wife) has a trade-inference violation angle or some shit. Deal with it. Kos starts taking the panicked man down the hall when an unearthly scream erupts from down a ways. Hey it's wifey! Turns out she became a woundseeker. Hubby hides behind a desk. "I take it that's your former wife?" says Kos. He orders Borca to protect the merchant while he takes care of the 'seeker. He takes a mirror from his pocket and slowly allows the ghost to approach him. As it gets close he thrusts the mirror in front of its eyes. "Yo, ma'am. I'm truly sorry but you have nothing left to do here. Please just go in peace. You will be avenged." The ghost stops wailing and with a look of realization replies simply "Go." And then dumbshit merchant chimes in and that just sets her off again. Welp. Kos pulls out his magic bullshit nightstick and basically cattleprods the ghost, burning it from the face of Ravnica. "Yo nothing to see here."

The merchant just wants to find out who killed his wife. Kos has to explain that murder is technically not a crime on Ravnica. Well, unless the victim was a Wojek. All you need are the right forms. This is why every guild has some sort of embassy in the center of Ravnica. All those fucking forms. Hell murder's a business for the Golgari and Orzhov; and EEEEVERYONE does business with the Orzhov. Ravnica's crazy.

- - -


Deep below Lt. Kos in the undercity, an old centaur is fucking bookin' it. Arrows stickin out of his ass and shit. He pauses to catch his breath when a Devkarin drops from the ceiling, rides him like a goddamn bronco as he strangles the life out of him. The elf's name is Jarad. Two huntresses appear on gigantic bats, snare the centaur's spirit as it rises from the lifeless body and force it back in, get some vines and shit up in here. Bam. Centaur plant zombie. The huntresses and a pair of hunters march the zombie down a passage while Jarad chameleon blurs his ass and crawls up a pipe. See they found a big ol' slug monster leviathan thing and it's been eating some prospectors. So hey they're gonna try to kill it. The use the centaur zombie as bait and let the slugviathan eat it.

After the elves put it out of their misery, the priestesses start to question Jarad about whether the thing is actually dead. They bicker until Savra, matka of the Devkarin shows up and assures them it is dead. Jarad is pretty miffed about this; he's not fond of his sister. However, she sends him on a hunt he'd enjoy much more.

- - -


Silk merchant is drunk and lost. Wanders around a tavern drunkenly complaining about everything when something unseen tears his throat out.

- - -

Kos and Borca are standing in the middle of a marketplace with a screaming little girl. Kos berates Borca for not showing compassion, the little girl, Luda, was just hungry and has no money. Kos sympathizes, he was an orphan as well until enlisting with the Wojek. Kos slowly cheers the girl up and gives her a few coins to pay for the melon she stole then takes her home. It's adorable. Goddamn adorable. They continue taking care of things on their beat: breaking up a robbery, settling a dispute between an ogre and his dead brothers, that sort of thing. A long day later, on their way to a tavern Kos sees the ghost of Zunich again, this time beckoning him. Kos follows it, telling Borca to wait behind. When Kos meets it it at the end of an alley he hears Luda scream. Kos turns to look, looks back and the phantom is gone. He bolts towards the scream and finds a goblin standing over the lifeless body of a little girl, his knife dripping with bright red blood. Its surgically removed ears a giveaway that its a Rakdos slave.

Kos surprises the goblin and pulls out his baton only to get knocked out of the way by Borca who does the same. The goblin flees as Kos goes to Luda's body and tries his damnedest to stop the bleeding. He and Borca use all of their 'drops but the bleeding just won't stop. Enraged, Kos takes off after the goblin demanding Borca stay with Luda. Send a falcon, arrest anyone that approaches just stay with her. After a chase, Kos gets two magic bullshit blasts off from his magic bullshit baton and misses. Which is good, in the chase it's revealed the goblin is wearing explosives. Great. From a wall, Kos looks for the goblin. That's when he sees a bad, bad thing. An elephant. THE elephant. Father Bayul and his Ledev are speaking with Borca who apparently sprinted over after disobeying an order. Hmm. Kos also notices the shadowy black cloak against a wall. The goblin appears and leaps towards them, "RAKDOS KAHZAK!", and suddenly there's a blinding flash. The last thing Kos saw was the loxodon's shattered corpse flying straight at him before he loses consciousness.

- - -

Savra is riding through a gigantic chasm in Old Ravnica. She's on her way to meet someone wonderful she discovered. Someone super wonderful. She eagerly awaits contact from him, there's no way she could find her ally's home without it. Eventually she hears his voice in her mind, she is hella in love with that voice. Like, not romantic love; more like the love for a god from a devoted priestess. She guides her giant bat into a tunnel, eventually ending up at a palace. Her ally is waiting inside the empty central hall. Stained glass figures of his dead kin, towers of frozen corpses for him to feed on. Hey spoilers it's Szadek. Sorry if this ruins it for you but come on.

"Welp, loxodon's dead, killed my brother," Savra just throws out there. Szadek mindwhispers to her "Damn, that's stone cold. Good work. Next step, you gonna kill the gorgons. Now hang on. I know what you're thinking. I got just the thing."

So Savra heads to the labyrinth the gorgons live in and unlocks a big ol zelda lock on a door with a silver key Szadek gave her. Szadek let a little secret out: the Golgari believe their original guildmaster is dead, killed by the gorgons. Haha he's not. Svogthir was one of the most powerful necromancers in the multiverse, he had managed to figure out how to trap his own ghost in his corpse and could create sentient zombies. Holy god, he's the god-zombie. He was one of the original signers of the Guildpact, signing it third after Razia and Azor. His signing was the main thing that got the other "chaos" guilds to sign. He's a big deal. And Savra found him, great. He sits upon a calcified throne, a family of crab-things living in his knee. He is delightfully mad.

Svogthir and Savra talk for a few, eventually coming to terms after Svogthir reads Savra's mind and realizes who sent her there. "Ha ha, oh man this is gonna be funny. SO. Make me a new body and I'll wreck the gorgons for you. Only thing: kill me when I'm done, you totally can. PS You shouldn't trust me. Because hahahaha, I'm a crazy old wizard." I'm not kidding he really does basically say exactly that. Crazy old necromancers own. Savra regenerates his body over a time and hooray! Svogthir can move around. He immediately calls Savra and idiot and raises a huge stone fist over her head.

"Oh come on, I'm an evil wizard too. You can't move shit unless I allow it. Check this out." Svogthir starts angrily yelling at Savra when his voice just stops. "Haha, see, you control the head sure but I got your lungs! :D" After a bit of discussion, the two settle their differences: Savra will be the guildmaster but Svogthir will be her figurehead. A fair deal. While this is happening, the three gorgon sisters are watching in their scrying mirror. They're not concerned by this. They beat him before they can beat him again big deal. They've got their whole court, they start sending out teratogens to meet them. Savra and Svogthir are first met by a trio of harpies. Svogthir easily disables them but Savra stops him from killing them. "Go. Tell your masters I am coming for them. It's gonna be fun here reeeeal soon." The harpies flee and soon more and more beasts show up and the same thing happens. The sisters are starting to wonder just what is going on; looking in the scrying glass, Svogthir doesn't even need to fight off his attackers. See, funny thing. He's got a small army of teratogens just following him, fighting for him.

The sisters emerge from their palace demanding to know what sort of treason is going on here. Long story short: Gorgon lashing weapons don't do shit to a giant god-zombie with a body of stone. Svogthir effortlessly murders Lexya and Lydya, leaving only Ludmilla alive. Svogthir gives her the option to yield to him, which after a moment of hesitation she does. Smart girl. At this point Svogthir rips his own head off and Savra smashes it with her stick, absorbing his accumulated power. "Sup, I'm guildleader. Anybody got an issue with that?" Ludmilla questions whether that was meant to frighten her or not. "Oh no, this is though," Savra says as vines reach out for her recently brain-smashed sisters, zombifying them the way the Golgari do. "Guess what, you're leading my army. Deal? Deal."

- - -

Kos wakes up in the infirmary. "DAMMIT, KOS. YOU GOT THE ELEPHANT POPE KILLED." Some arguing goes back and forth and over the course of it three things come out: Kos has a drinking problem. Sure fine big news. Kos has a near toxic buildup of mana in his system from the past 80 years of relying on them teardrops. Any rapid curative magic used on him could kill his ass dead. Great. Also Borca's ghost is haunting him and only he can see/hear him. Uhhhh. So, Borca went and did a weird thing, just because why not. He went to an Orzhov ectomancer and long story short—until Kos avenges Borca's death he's gonna be following him. Great. Weird thing: he doesn't remember even dying in an explosion, somehow. Kos is also suspended without pay for telling his superior off. Fuck that shit, he demands Feather give him all of the teardrops he can cram into his chest. She does eventually and then they set off for adventure/vengeance/investigation. The ledev that went missing is of special, shocking importance to Kos: her father was Myczil Zunich.

- - -

Fonn wakes up somewhere in the undercity, no sign of Biracazir and she's tied up. Behind her Jarad is sitting there just dickin' around. "Hey yeah. Don't struggle. Those beetles everywhere'll probably skeletonize you. Haha, they sure do love their flesh." Fonn does not want to be a skeleton. "So yeah, your elephant dude is dead and my sis told me to steal your ass for some reason. We're just gonna wait here until—" SUDDENLY HARPIES. Three harpies bust into the room and start just wrecking shit. Jarad gets them into the beetle pit after finding out that Savra has basically marked him for death. Apparently he was supposed to die in that blast and not be an awesome hunter. Great. Jarad unties Fonn and the two uneasily decide to work together. Figure out who killed the elephant pope or some shit. As they make their way to the surface they wander through an undead town. This isn't abnormal: the undead are as much a race as the other bullshit things on this plane. However, four of the shambling weirdos have their eyes on the one-and-a-half elves. The two get the jump on them with the help of Biracazir who just shows up and tears a throat out. As Jarad hacks into one it appears to take the form of a mass of blue and black worms for a moment before reforming into the zombie. That. . . was a new experience for both Jarad and Fonn. They continue their way up to the surface, Jarad knows someone who could give him info on who set up that bombing.

- - -

Kos and Feather show up at a restaurant called Pivlichino's, an Orzhov run establishment managed by an imp named Pivlic. Kos had regularly gone to Pivlic for information and now was no exception. Pivlic knows who set up the bombing but. . . he can't quite give out that information; someone else wants the same info. So to get the info he's gonna have to fightin the random goddamn pitfighting ring Pivlic has in the center of his establishment. Sometimes undead come up and the best way to provide entertainment/meals is to let them fight to the death! Kos gets suited up and enters the pit. The other guy fighting is Jarad surprise surprise. What IS a surprise is Kos's greeting to the Devkarin: "I thought I told you not to come up to my streets again." They know each other! While this is going on, Feather and Fonn encounter each other blah blah. Jarad and Kos fight against an undead half-demon and win via corpse-burrowing beetles, get their information: the one who bought the bomber was the guys about to smash in through the windows. A bunch of Selesnyan Quietmen (The silent dudes with their faces covered) smash through the window and just start killing the shit out of dudes.

Fonn has a little bit of a crisis here: the Selesnyans revere life and the quietmen have never done a thing like this, what the hell is going on. Either way it's best not to stick around! The two elves, Kos, the ghost of Borca, Feather and Pivlic make a break for the roof where Pivlic has his personal Zeppelid. Air travel on Ravnica is literally done inside of gigantic inflatable lizards. The two make a break for Centerfort: Fonn has just learned from a Wojek falcon that Saint Bayul is still alive. Fuuuuuck. They head as fast as they can all the while Quietmen are just bangin into this zeppelid. The elves head out a. . hatch. (The zeppelid has a hatch) and start firing at the silent bastards with Izzet-created magic bullshit guns.

The group manages to land at Centerfort somehow and Fonn bolts straight for the elephant corpse in the forensics lab. After a bit of communing in silence Fonn breaks down in tears and removes the green triangle jewel from the now-dead-for-real loxodon's forehead. This astounds the forensics mage, Helligan, who couldn't get that shit off with a chisel. (He tried.) Hey suddenly shit is going down, the quietmen start fucking up the Boros and to top it off a huge mass of Golgari led by Ludmilla has erupted from the undercity and are delivering a blatant assault on Centerfort. This is some big shit: the Guildpact expressly bans open warfare. It is the sworn duty of every guildmember in every guild to put down the attack. Fonn can tell something is going wrong with the Chorus of the Conclave and everyone decides that it would be a good thing to go try and make this not happen. The captain Kos had a spat with grabs him and becomes a goddamn mass of blue and black worms. As to be expected, everyone screams because WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Feather knows! She takes her sword, rams it into the mass and ignites it, leaving a charred pile of the worms on the ground. She says it's called a Lupul. She thought the angels had wiped them all out. Bad shit going down in Ravi town.

The group heads to the roof, hoping some of the skyjeks have mounts but due to the Decamillenial and the influx of tourists not a single one remains: Pivlic's zeppelid is crippled and couldn't possibly make it to Vitu-Ghazi, the Unity Tree and home of the Selesnyans without getting torn apart by Quietmen. So the option is simple: Feather has her wing-shackles undone (which apparently could have been done at any time!) and helps tow the gimped fucker.

- - -


MEANWHILE AT VITU-GHAZI! Savra is there. The Selesnyans knew something was up with the tree and the quiet men and reached out to Savra to possibly help them, even willing to initiate her into the Chorus itself. I mean, obviously, Savra is behind everything but shh. As she steps up to the dais a goddamn zeppelid being towed by an angel crashes through the central window. Feather books it to find Sunhome and get the help of the archangels, while Fonn rushes to meet Savra who is still hopped up on Svogthir power. "Oh hey, forehead gem. I need that." Fonn refuses to give it to her. Savra grabs her by the wrist and just tears her hand off. Hahahaha, fuck. Savra affixes the forehead bling and she's feeling pretty awesome. Everyone in the convocation can instantly tell something is off kilter when the sky darkens and Szadek fucking descends from the sky. This is the equivalent of Lucifer himself appearing to the Selesnyans. Szadek has been their "ultimate evil in the world" for almost ten thousand years. Szadek asks Savra how the power feels. "Oh it's wonderful~" "Oh, that's good" haha and then he snaps her neck. See what happens when you trust the mythical vampire lord spoken of in legend?

Kos and Jarad (who has just seen his sister's neck snapped by this fucker) rush at Szadek but are both (also Fonn) are restrained by high ranking members of Wojek brass. Haha surprise they're lupul too. Jarad demands to know what the hell he just did to his sister but Szadek ignores him.

"So uh, all you Ravnicans. What the hell was with imprisoning me for ten thousand years? Your guildmasters are all assholes and I hate them for keeping me from threatening all y'all's 'peace'." Biracazir bolts straight for Szadek but takes a vampire fist to the jaw and goes down hard. Szadek turns to the center column of the tree. "So hey, I'm gonna kill the Guildpact now. Check it out." Szadek tears into the heart of the tree and pulls out what I can only imagine is horrifying to actually see: Mat'Selesnya, a gigantic fetal-looking elemental comprised of ancient dryads and gigantic crystals. Szadek gets his fangs into her, looks over at Kos and Jarad and asks why the hell the Lupul haven't killed them.

- - -

Meanwhile at Centerfort! The Golgari have burrowed beneath the stone titan outside of the outpost, toppling it and effectively killing one of the ten stone titans that ring the city of Ravnica. The whole time this is happening, Ludmilla is honestly wondering where the fuck the angels are at: the angels should have been here by now but none have shown up! The instant Savra is killed, something happens and the teratogen forces just sort of fall apart and the battle dies down. Feather shows up and basically completely turns the tide of battle. She warns Ludmilla, grudgingly, that if she ever shows her fave on street-level Ravnica again she will personally executer her on the spot. Crisis over! Oh right, Szadek.

- - -

If Jarad could get Savra's staff there might be a chance he could be not-completely-useless. Now, the lupul are masses of worm-like things. And being a Golgari, Jarad has the ability to mind control simple-minded insecty things. There only hope is to sort of get the lupul to NOT kill them. "Hey lupul, why you doin' this? You aren't a slave. Fuck Szadek, You could take him. Do it. Take on Szadek." The lupul pause for a moment before merging into one titanic entity the size of an ogre and twice as wide. "Hey uh. Kill Szadek, thanks." All at once, the mass of worms rushes for and engulfs Szadek, pinning him to the ground and eating the fuck out of him.

Fonn rushes to grab the forehead gem thing and jams that shit on her forehead. Doesn't do anything so way to go. Shit stays dark and nothing happens. She limps over to Biracazir and apologizes. Hey the stone glows. She jams the stone onto Biracazir's head and holy shit light everywhere. Everyone is engulfed in light as the crystals in Mat'Selesnya also glow like motherfuckers. A shockwave of light erupts from the Selesnyan parun. The waves of energy pulse and push everyone from the dais. They blast the lupul away from Szadek and the force causes each one to explode. Szadek weathers the shockwaves as best he can but even he goes down. Everyone just sort of looks stunned at what happened when Kos remembers what's going on. He pushes himself to his feet and stumbles over to Szadek. He reaffixes his ten-pointed badge to the outside of his tunic. "Szadek, I am placing you under arrest for the murders of Luda, Saint Bayul, and Sergeant Bell Borca of the Tenth Leaguehall." I like to imagine at this point Jarad looks up "Hey so did we just crash through a window into a church, see a mythical vampire pry a mythical dryad elemental out of a tree, install a wolf as pope and then arrest that same said mythical vampire?"

- - -

Epilogue!
Fonn, Kos and Jarad are having coffee together. They do that in Ravnica. All anyone will tell Kos is that Szadek has been dealt with. No further answers. Jarad has become the guildmaster of the Golgari. Good for him, he's a cool guy. The Golgari who had been involved in the attack on Centerfort received a blanket pardon. It was that or dissolve the guild which, that's bad and would fuck up a lot more than it would help. They ask where Kos is gonna go, now that he's retired. Probably going to head out with Pivlic he tells them, out to one of the reclamation zones. Be good to leave the city for the first time in 110 years. Before they go, Fonn wants to know the truth of what happened to her father. Kos is reluctant to tell but she's owed as much.

- - -

17 Griev, 9943 ZC
Kos and Zunich are on the rooftops investigating another few corpses they've found. They've all been slashed up and are covered in bitemarks that sheer through bone. Nothing human could have made those. . . well except if they had claw implants and metal teeth. The two are aware that Palla is leading them in a circle, straight back to the slaughterhouse, but Kos is surprised when, while investigating another roof, he comes across the elven bounty hunter in the white mask. He's looking away from them and they have a feeling they know why. They approach and the lightning in the night sky reveals something white moving among the rubble. White like Palla's skin. Zunich draws his short sword and charges. Suddenly a man's voice shouts, "NO! She is meant as bait!" Zunich turns and shouts back "I don't care if she was meant to be your blushing bride! She's killed at least three of my friends!" Zunich raises his sword and brings it down in an arc through the rain, straight into a rubble pile. Kos's blood runs cold. The scream that emerged was definitely not a Rakdos gang boss.

The elf runs over and catches Zunich in a tackle. His sword flies free, soaked in crimson. Kos moves in to examine the rubble begging for what he heard to not be what he thought it was. In the pile, what obviously would have seemed like a safe place to a terrified child was a young girl lying motionless, staring out into the falling rain. Kos looks stunned until turning back to Zunich.

Zunich is just tearing into the elf, demanding to know what he was doing using a child as bait. Kos has no idea what the fuck; his partner just slaughtered an innocent girl, he has no idea how she got there or why the elf had just tried to protect her. Kos didn't hear any of the elf's replies because that's the point when Palla decides to strike. Kos and Palla struggle briefly before Palla takes a short sword to the neck. Looking back to Zunich and the elf, the elf is barely able to choke out "I'm not the murderer here, do what you will to me." Zunich is choking the life out of him. Kos speaks up and protests that Zunich is killing the man. He didn't kill anyone, he doesn't know why he's here but he's not a murderer and if Zunich doesn't comply Kos will make him. The two argue briefly before the ghost of the girl comes out, bearing no wound and floats passed Zunich.

The elf speaks up. "I'm taking the girl back to her family." He was here to rescue the girl. Live bounties pay better than dead ones. Rescues even more than that. He gave his word that nobody would hear what happened tonight. The Rakdos killed her as far as anyone was concerned. Zunich can't take this. He rushes at the elf, slips and goes over the roof. Kos is just barely not fast enough to catch his partner. There's a silence before the elf speaks again. "You aren't responsible for this, wojek." Kos just looks at him. "Get out of here. If I ever catch you on my streets again. . . " The elf nods, holding the body of the girl. "Take my advice. Don't quit. You've got more decency than most of your ilk. You easily could have let me die." Left alone, Kos made the only choice he felt he could. On the first day of the ten thousandth year of the Ravnican calendar he would make a different choice. He would tell the truth.

- - -

The Selesnyans agree to get rid of the Quietmen. Savra corrupted a bunch of them and now it was easier to just ditch the whole thing. Feather leaves to find what the hell happened to the archangels. Where the hell were they? Kos became Commander-General of the Wojek and for his brief tenure there took care of a few things. A ton of Wojek are dead so a recruiting drive is thrown up. Kos stops in to the forensics lab and speaks to Helligan. "So yeah, turns out the Borca that died in the explosion was a lupul." "Oh." "Yeah." "Hey uh, do you mind if I say goodbye to Luda, got her justice and everything." He says his piece then heads out. He files the report on Borca's murder, freeing him from the whole ghost haunting contract. Kos and Pivlic depart for the Utvara region. That night, Helligan the labmage heads in to take care of the last act of the day. He pulls open the morgue draw that holds Luda's body and lifts her out. There's an odd lumpy texture that he just assumes is decomposition.

And then the worms moved. In moments Helligan's body was a blur of devouring blue and black worms. That night, with all of the reconstruction, nobody thought to question why the famously reclusive and solitary labmage walked down the steps of the Tenth leading a little girl in a white dress by the hand.

Legendary Shit
Lt. Agrus Kos - Wojek street cop who is getting too old for this shit. Orphaned at a young age he joined the Wojek.
The Chorus of the Conclave - A bunch of dryads that lead the Selesnya Conclave. They are hive mindy as fuck.
Circu - Lobotomist for House Dimir. That's. . . that's it. Sorry. vOv
Lexya, Lydya, Ludmilla, the Sisters of Stone Death - Teratogen leaders of the Golgari. . . unil Savra wrecks the shit out of them by giving Svogthir a new body. They went about killing two, leaving only Ludmilla alive.
Razia - Archangel leader and parun of the Boros legion. All Boros angels are created in her image.  Killed by Szadek on her own sword. 
Savra vod Savo - Female Devkarin elf. Matka of the Golgari. Stupidly follows plans to control other guilds, gets killed by Szadek after she does all the work. Stupid.
Szadek - Psychic vampire leader and parun of House Dimir. Blue/Black so he's behind everything, herpa derp. Eaten by worms, then got arrested by Agrus Kos. Hilariously, Szadek means buttocks in a lot of slavic languages. Nobody bothered to check that, teehee~
Tolsimir Wolfblood - Elvish evangel of the Selesnya conclave. One of the greatest ledev ever. Rides a gigantic white wolf.
Voja - Tolsimir's wolf. Sire of Biracazir.


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ALL OF THE COMICS EXCEPT SHANDALAR, ODDLY.

THIS IS A LONG POST AND FRANKLY YOU CAN IGNORE IT BUT IT IS THE MOST BALLS OUT RETARDED STORYLINE THAT'S NOT ONSLAUGHT-BLOCK AND EVEN THEN.
I just cranked through all of the comics and want to die from reading them all. They are bad. Do not go read them. Hell you might not even want to read this I'm sure it goes horribly off track at places and probably is only marginally interesting to read!
Seriously none of these stories are important except for the Homelands extra ending one. That's it.

The Extremely Short Elder Dragons Summary
This is a Legends story and it's really dumb! It takes place before the Ice Age!
Wizard has a dragon whelp. Dragon Whelp is a wisecracking asshole. Dragon whelp is mildly amusing but not really. Town has a handyman. Dragon Whelp tricks wizard into freeing Palladia-Mors from beneath town. Palladia-Mors raises an undead army despite being a white/red/green being. Army fights Palladia-Mors, gets its shit wrecked. Dragon Whelp turns out to be Vaevictis Asmadi who was turned into a whelp by Faralyn. Vaevictis Asmadi and Palladia-Mors fuck shit up. Handyman turns out to be Chromium Rhuell in disguise. Chromium reseals Palladia and defeats Vaevictis. The end.

Meanwhile Arcades Sabboth is killed offscreen by Kristina of the Woods in a duel with Faralyn and Nicol Bolas is the only elder not ruined by the comics.

--Homelands Extra Ending--
Remember the end? Taysir gets his head split? So Taysir is healed by the Anaba and he has the form of an old man, he's really old looking. He finds a young girl planeswalker named Daria and adopts her. The end.

NEXT SUMMARY!
--The Shadow Mage-
This happens after Homelands, so technically this is where we're
This story was basically THE BIG EPIC MAGIC STORYLINE until you realized it was a comic and mostly dumb. Hella going to abridge it because it gets balls. out. retarded.

Carthalions. Maybe you remember them, Line of heroes starting with Carth, the kid that hung out with Dakkon Blackblade. We've seen Jason "Start of Kjeldor" Carthalion and Jahuel "Didn't-have-his-story-told-because-it-was-dumb-but-he-drove-away-Tevesh Szat-with-the-Amulet-of-Quoz" Carthalion so far. This one starts with Adam Carthalion on the plains of Ephrem, Dominaria. Lotta shit going down when his forces see a Falling Star. Adam commands the mages to tap the land for mana and I am sick of this shit already. Suddenly Ravidel shows up on a flying goddamn ship, casts Sinkhole and ruins everyone's day. An old man clutches a babby to his chest and shouts "I've got you Jared!" A lot of people die, turns out Ravidel is a planeswalker. The "You can learn to be a planeswalker" is the stupidest thing and I hate it. Adam tells his spellsquire to "pull the Pouch marked 'Backdraft' from my trove" He's telling him to get a card for him flat out at this point. Come the fuck on. Ravidel eats a Pyrotechnics but casts Syphon So- You know what? no. We're skipping ahead. Everyone dies but Ravidel, the spellsquire and the babby, Jared.

In town, somewhere in Corondor who could care, the Spellsquire tries to tell someone at House Scarlet that Lord Adam Carthalion fell in battle to a planeswalker in a flying ship, nobody believes that shit. He pulls out Lord Adam's Red Mana Battery as proof, the guy trips the spellsquire with magic which really seems kind of a waste of effort and there's a hilarious image of the spellsquire falling and baby Jared very blatantly bashing his head on the ground in what would be fatal to damn near any infant. A little red-haired girl watches and cries.

SEVEN YEARS LATER
Jared gets his ass beat by some thieves. Has a heart to heart with the spellsquire. HURF DURF IF I'M THE HEIR TO WHATEVER WHY AM I HERE LIVING IN A HOVEL. Meanwhile at the Family Home of the Carthalions, Ravidel is sitting in a throne talking about how one of Urza's Scrying devices tells him that Jared's still alive so he sends an Ærathi Berserker after him. So indeed he does, he fucks up the hovel. Jared's eyes roll back in his head and he incinerates the berserker. Ravidel's all "SO CARTHALION OUR LAST DUEL BEGINS" which what the fuck you're miles away and also he's 8.

YEARS LATER-ER
Jared's doing squats because syphon soul apparently saps your strength away for extended periods and fuck spellcasting, drawing mana and casting spells hurts (apparently) and he's a whiny little bitch about it. Suddenly a Giant Spider bursts in through the wall and Jared summons a Hurloon Minotaur against it. I have no idea how he got a Hurloon Minotaur having never been to the Domains but whatever. The minotaur goes to work fighting the spider which is kind of fruitless since it's a 2/3 and a 2/4. The minotaur loses its sword, Jared grabs it and stabs the spider. Minotaur says the sword was Adam's and that it's Foecleaver and asks to be unsummoned.

Spellsquire guy is dying, they're in a hospice, thieves show up and threaten to beat the shit out of Jared but he summons some goblins and they do what goblins do and just sorta cut the shit out of them. I'M TRAPPED WITHIN MY OWN FLESH. Jared sees a red haired girl. And then it cuts to the sultan of whatever town, he basically tells Ravidel's emissaries to go fuck themselves abruptly. I only just now noticed that Ravidel has a Gorilla wearing a cape for an emissary and that's one of the best things I ever saw.

So Jared goes to House Scarlet which it turns out used to be Carthalion Manor and gets let in by an old lady. He's shown around the place and they come to a room with a Black Lotus. Yes, he just sort of finds the Black Lotus, guards show up saying they heard something as guards are want to do. The lady gives Jared an Alabaster Potion to heal the spellsquire and then he just sort of steals the Black Lotus and runs. Yup.

Jared's outside the city walls just kind of asking the Black Lotus what secrets it knows when the red haired woman shows up and calls him a weirdo who likes talking to flowers. She randomly tells him to meet her by a broken temple in "Beggartown" that night and he does after giving some of the potion to the spellsquire who doesn't have a name I'm realizing. That night he meets whats-her-face at the thing. She tells Jared all of the terrible shit that's happened since Carthalion fell when the guys that beat the shit out of him all the time show up and are pretty pissed that goblins slashed one of their buddy's throats. Jared gives him the potion and he literally says "Zounds! I feel strapping!" like nobody ever has or will. Suddenly the sultan's guards show up, Jared kicks one and I guess they just escape. Then Ravidel shows up!

"YOU KILLED MY FATHER!" is what nearly everyone who meets Ravidel shouts I assume. Then Redhaired-lady throws her cloak back, tells Ravidel she's broken the Treaty of the Shard whatever the fuck that is and reveals three Moxen gems around her neck. I kind of want to die. Turns out her name is Liana and she's also a planeswalker. Ravidel flees.

-SKIPPING AHEAD TO THE NEXT ISSUE-
JUGGERNAUTS! Ravidel is attacking a city from aboard his Planar Barge. It's a barge that can planeswalk it turns out. I'm not making this up, it's too retarded to make up. The Weatherlight requires the power of a collapsed world and was created by an artificer genius of hundreds of years and Ravidel just has a barge that can do it by itself. Fuck this I'm going super abridged mode now, this is too dumb.

Demonic hordes are summoned. City is getting ruined. Jared uses the Red Mana Battery to incinerate them. The town's guilds are getting fucked up. The vizier wants Jared found. The guilds unite and fight off the scathe zombies and drudge skeletons that are ruining shit up. Oh god fucking dammit, are you kidding me? The Planar Barge is made from Chromium's corpse. God DAMMIT this is retarded. RAVIDEL AND LIANA FIGHT. THE CITY GETS WRECKED. A DESERT TWISTER THROWS THE BARGE AWAY. JARED TRIES TO FIGHT RAVIDEL BUT LIANA SAYS NO. NEXT AND LAST ISSUE GO.

JARED LOOKS GLAMROCK AS FUCK. THE SUN IS SMILING FOR SOME REASON. JARED GETS A FELLWAR STONE. Liana shows back up. Jared goes to the castle with some urchins. Clockwork Avian and demons attack them. Jared summons a Cockatrice and some Lizards. Fighting occurs. Adam confronts Ravidel in the throne room. Ravidel reveals that Adam had murdered his wife for enough power to become a planeswalker and that Jared was full of magic and shit because of it. YOU CAN'T BECOME A PLANESWALKER BY MURDERING YOUR WIFE. GOD. DAMMIT. Jared incinerates gorilla emissary. Ravidel throws a knife at Jared. Ravidel casts Hellfire and explains its stupid effects. Jared sacrifices the Lotus to summon a Shivan Dragon. The dragon ruins the castle, Liana casts Detonate on the artifacts in the vault. Lots of explosions. The dragon flies away. Jared talks about how he's all alone fuck the Carthalions I hope there are none left.


--NIGHTMARE--
WHY DOES NIGHTMARE GET ITS OWN COMIC?!

Two planeswalkers fighting. Planeswalker 2 summons a nightmare named Caliphear. Caliphear kicks planeswalker 1's head in because I guess swamps. Caliphear is unsummoned, and is attacked by an azure drake in her home swamp. The swamp is being corrupted by green mana or some shit. OH NO, SHANODIN DRYADS ARE CORRUPTING THE SWAMP. Caliphear meets a green mage with a David Bowie haircut. Green mage befriends caliphear by showing her her own death. Green mage rides Caliphear to a town they have a Devouring Deep chained up and it talks. I am sick of this story already, long story short. Green mage ascends, Caliphear is his horsebro. The End.


Ugh why is this still going
--Wayfarer--
This is a continuation of Shadow Mage and I wish it weren't.

Jared Carthalion, king fag again, standing on a plains shouting at nothing to show itself. Then a gigantic, flesh-colored Thunder Spirit appears! Jared throws Foecleaver at it and it just kinda strikes it and destroys it. And then he casts a fire spell on it or some shit I'm not even sure. Now it's raining and Jared goes to a town lookin for a hotel room or some shit. He goes into a bar and just starts a fight and casts Desert Twister and then gets some turkey and beer. Jared is basically a d&d character.

Apparently up at a ziggurat an oracle thinks Jared is a herald of Ravidel because he just sort of incinerated their guardian and plains. The oracle is fine with him staying because hey, D'Avenant is returning tomorrow. This makes no sense. D'Avenant is an island. It's a goddamn island. Yes I know about D'Avenant Archer. It's an archer FROM THE ISLAND. So Jared is dreaming about Ravidel or some shit and then suddenly he has an arrow in his bicep. Elan of the Order D'Avenant shows up and gets kicked in the gut after shouting about how Ravidel fucked up. Jared just constantly yells that he's not Ravidel. They just sorta fight through a city and I can't bring myself to care about it. Suddenly Kristina of the Woods planeswalked into town and interrupts their fight god dammit. She just sorta drops Jared down and is all "Sup I got this fucker" And then they just go to the woods.

So they're sitting around the fire, Kristina stroking a cat all :D. This is an actual point here, she named one of her random lions that are laying around Sandruu. You know, the minotaur planeswalker she was kinda into before Taysir beat his ass and got his head split? Kristina scares me. So she tells him a story about the colors of magic which is partially wrong. She mentions how Taysir told her some shit about monsters but he's dead now so who cares. Check it out I fixed your sword and made it better with green mana! Green loves to power up artifacts for some reason!

So the next day there is is Spitting Slug in the woods and Jared falls in a pit of goo. Kristina talks about Sandruu and Taysir again. don't care. Now they are friends with the slug.


Suddenly Killer Bees and Emerald Dragonflies swarm at them, apparently elves are attacking? Craw Wurm, Fire Sprites, Hornet Cobra, Moss Monster, War Mammoths. These are all things that suddenly appear. Elan shows back up and shoots at Jared but they duck into a Hidden Path and go to the Elf kingdom. All of Kristina's shit is on fire but who cares. Apparently she's fucked the elf king or some shit and also the slug followed them. Kristina tells another story, nobody cares. Then they fly away like squirrels with cloaks or some shit. It's revealed Liana's in trouble and Jared wants Kristina to planeswalk him there but she refuses and he throws a hissy fit.

So Ravidel's still alive it turns out and he wants Liana's moxen shit. She's fighting him and he casts Siren's Call and kills all her birds. And she's all "How did you elude the dragon's breath and all that Detonate damage. Who's your master, yo?" He basically just tells her Taysir then summons a Polar Kraken and murders her. Dead! I want more people in these stories to die.

---Months later!--
Jared shows up at a mountain and is all "Welp, I should do a thing and Liana's dead now but I suck so." Then Kristina shows up and he blows a hole in the mountain and unearths a mining machine that Mishra used back in the day. There's a Shivan dragon living in it. Miles and miles away from Shiv, beneath a mountain, inside of a war machine from the Brothers' War. Goddamn. So Jared fixes the war machine. The ancient war machine created by an artificer genius.

Now they're on a train, driving through a mountain and erupt from it! So they get out in time to see Ravidel throw Kristina around and he's all "CHECK OUT THIS SHIT, I'M GONNA USE IT." He's holding the Golgothian Sylex.

Ravidel is holding the Golgothian Sylex. The Golgothian Sylex that ended the Brothers' War and ruined everything for hundreds of years. The same goodamn Golgothian Sylex. Like it's not a copy it's THAT one.

So Jared summons a D'Avenant Archer and it turns out to be Elan. Elan aims at Ravidel but she just gets incinerated. Kristina casts Ritual of Subdual and rushes over to Liana. Liana throws a hissy fit because she hates Kristina. They plan to team up to defeat Ravidel anyway but he has the Golgothian Sylex and no way to destroy it!

A GREEN MAGE. A RED MAGE. AND A WHITE MAGE. HAVE NO WAY TO DESTROY AN ARTIFACT THAT BY ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES SHOULD NO LONGER EXIST.

So the Shivan Dragon wakes up and says he's gonna rip Ravidel's lungs out. Liana pulls out her moxes and then the story just sort of ends. NEXT ISSUE. LET'S FINISH THIS.

So they're riding the shivan dragon to the Carthalion home and Jared meets Grandpa. They fight for a while then Ravidel appears I am so sick of this shit. So they go outside, Ravidel's been killing people or some shit and now the green mage from the Nightmare comic is here. WHY IS HE HERE? He casts Karma and cuts off Ravidel. But Ravidel knows Disenchant and ends that shit this is so dumb I am going back into super abridge mode. That's it I can't take this anymore. Some planeswalker named Embereck, has a candle helmet and looks like Fire Man shows up, starts burning shit. Ravidel pulls out the sylex. Apparently it can wipe out anyone with direct lineage to the Brothers War. This is so dumb on so many levels. Ravidel demands to be left alone and he won't use it. Embereck explodes inexplicable. Planeswalkers just kinda leave Ravidel alone.

Jared dives into the ocean, while he's down there fighting a sea serpent Kristina is attacked by a dude. Kristina casts Tsunami and ruins that shit. Jared finds a sword at the bottom and then that night he and Kristina knock boots. Kristina is easy apparently. Green Mage shows up on Caliphear the Nightmare NEXT ISSUE.

Ravidel raises some corpses. Apparently he brought Chromium back to life too I don't even know. Meanwhile, Kristina, Green Mage, Caliphear and Jared show up at a keep and they talk to who I guess is Metallo, we get some erroneous shit about black being evil. They all show up at a chasm, and the sword he found is apparently Rust. Yes the instant is really two swords, one that is rusty apparently and he uses that and destroys the sylex. Kristina is back at her woods talking to her cats in a scene that has no purpose. Ravidel casts Pox and Syphon Soul and Jared brags that he is going to cast Kismet to combo with Karma to lock Ravidel down. The Green mage shows up and the Nightmare says "TAKE COVER MY LOVE!" THE GREEN MAGE AND THE NIGHTMARE ARE IN LOVE I WANT TO DIE. Ravidel unsummons Caliphear. Kristina planeswalks in, casts Storm Seeker and Ravidel reveals that Taysir is his master and uses a Reflecting Mirror. Jodah's reflecting mirror. :I

Ravidel summons The Fallen and a Lord of the Pit, Jared summons the jizz slug. A bunch of bullshit happens, Ravidel gets the moxes. Makes a mox beacon or some bullshit. Suddenly a little girl planeswalker shows up, it's Daria. Taysir's adopted whatever. Jared ascends as a planeswalker. I don't care I'm drinking right now.

JARED WILL RETURN IN MAGIC: THE GATHERING — THE PLANESWALKER WAR
No he fucking won't! Wizards cut Armada off at this point and the story never saw print. It happens but it never saw print. Play MTG: Battlemage on the PS1 for that story. Or don't. It's a bad game.

Here's a quick summary of Chromium's life.
--Summoned by Geyadrone Dihada against Dakkon Blackblade. Gets unsummoned and his wife gets murdered.
--Is disguised as a handyman (His name is Ham I'm not making this up.) in a town, falls in love with girl. Turns back into Chromium and has a tearful "I CAN'T LOVE YOU I AM AN ELDER DRAGON" thing.
--Killed by Tevesh Szat at the Summit of the Null Moon
--A magical planeswalking boat.
--A zombie?
--Probably dead again.


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ALRIGHT. LAST LEGENDS-EXPANSION STORYLINE LET'S KICK THIS TORCHPIG, WOO.

Legends Cycle II

Assassin's Blade
_{Assassination has its Price.}

Madara. It's a nation on the plane of Dominaria that sits situated on an intersection of red, blue and black mana ley lines. Originally ruled by an empress, her ass got deposed and now a new Emperor is in charge. Great. Let's talk about something else now.

Let's talk about an awesome character who's not from these cycle. Toshiro Umezawa. Toshiro is still a cool guy despite being left on an alien world, blind and not knowing shit. Did pretty fucking well for himself. Founded a goddamn clan even. The Umezawa-clan is a powerful family for a good while. Eventually it goes downhill though somehow and it's peasanty as fuck but they still got a kickin' manor house!

The Umezawa clan member we care about is waaaaaay way down the line from our boy Toshi. His name is Tetsuo. Tetsuo Umezawa is a skilled archer as well as a skilled mage in red, black and blue magic. After being trained in the Tsunami-nito school, Tetsuo travels to Madara and eventually becomes the imperial champion. He did so by defeating the previous champion, Shasido. Shasido in disgrace, left the empire and lived alone under the new name, Kasimir the Lone Wolf.

A time later, Tetsuo, along with his bro Kei Takahashi are dispatched by the Madaran emperor to investigate a series of attacks in the Sekana region. Upon arriving, Tetsuo is attacked by a flash of angry, furry dragon-ness. It turns out a nekoru from far away has been terrorizing the villages around Sekana. Not just any nekoru, it's Wasitora, the self declared queen of the nekoru. Tetsuo challenges her to a formal duel, which I guess would be an awesome boss fight, but they're suddenly interrupted and attacked by an Elder Land Wurm. Wasitora and Tetsuo team up and kill the goddamned thing.

MEANWHILE~~~
Ramses Overdark. Just look at that fucking name. Ramses Overdark is the Imperial Assassin of Madara. He’s not very loyal, because fuck. Black/Blue. He’s always looking for loopholes to just sort of backstab/possibly usurp power from the Emperor. He and Tetsuo are old rivals. Not that "haha let's fight to see how high a level you are now" rival the "I'm going to eventually murder you and take your position" type. Overdark has been scheming, as blue/black characters are want to do. Now, Madara has a slight problem. The same problem any empire has, rebels. The Edemis Islands are in rebellion and Overdark wants to kill him some of the fuckers. He also would like Tetsuo to die somehow, preferably painfully and killing as many rebels as he can in the process. He sets two plans into motion: he sends one of his minions, a powerful demon named Lady Orca to attack the Edemis island of Kusho while waving the Umezawa clan's crest around, possibly while yelling about how awesome and Japanese she is for being an Umezawa. He also sends his underling Xira Arien off to lure Tetsuo to the Edemis.

Tetsuo and Wasitora are resting after their impromptu team-up. Kei tends to Wasitora's wounds while Tetsuo basically deputizes her to help protect Sekana. While this is going on, Xira attacks Kei out of nowhere and pumps his gut full of eggs and taunts Tetsuo with the whole "Geheehee there's a big ol' demon lady killin shit under your banner, guy" spiel that works so often against samurai. Tetsuo fights off Xira, but she herself flees for Kusho. Tetsuo gathers up his other-bro, Tor Wauki and his lady-bro, Ayesha Tanaka, his armorer and they all head to Kusho. Full speed towards adventure~

Back in Madara, Overdark meets with Marhault Elsdragon, the main General of the kentsu: the imperial army. Overdark humbly requests that Elsdragon keep his forces out of this whole Overdark V. Umezawa deal. He agrees! Because, well. Assassin. As they're leaving after their meeting is adjourned, Elsdragon's second-in-command, an Ærathi named Jorgan Hage attacks Overdark. He's not too keen on Overdark's methods. Problem! Assassin. Rather than out and out killing the barbarian, Overdark corrupts him and minions him the fuck up. Great.

Tetsuo and his party arrive in Kusho and are immediately met by its defenders: Gosta Dirk and Kasimir, Tetsuo's imperial predecessor. They have a little scuffle in which they learn that: 1. Xira was never on Kusho. 2. Lady Orca left for Argenti, another Edemis island. ONWARD TO ARGENTI. On Argenti, the group travels through a forest and— Well let's be frank. A bunch of not-green-mana-guys wandering through a forest WHAT HAPPENS? They're attacked by the avatar of the forest: Lord Magnus. Lord Magnus wrecks the shit out of them because he's the goddamned Avatar of the Forest. And the group is captured and taken to Lady Caleria, leader of the Edemis.

Tetsuo meets with Caleria and challenges her to a formal duel. I mean, it worked with Wasitora and she doesn't even have thumbs so hey why not? Caleria says hell no. While this is happening, Xira Arien is sneaking around and conceals a certain artifact that was given to her by Overdark. Suddenly, Lady Orca attacks Caleria's castle because this is a great, great plan and who the hell cares. Tetsuo defeats the demon and Caleria is grateful for it but hey. He's still the imperial champion and he and his group are under arrest. Tor would rather die than help the Edemis, meanwhile Ayesha agrees to join their shit if Kei is healed of his terrible egg-induced fever by Lord Magnus.


Unconscious and imprisoned, Tetsuo enters a bizarre Meditation Plane. The Meditation Plane is a strange plane off of Dominaria used by the Madaran emperors to communicate and, well, meditate. You astral project out of your body and do crazy virtual reality shit like QuestWorld! It’s a very strange world where subtlety is more powerful/effective than sheer brute force. While there, Tetsuo has visions of Kei and Tor. He sees that he has to act NOW if he doesn't want his two not-lady-bros to die horrible, horrible deaths. One of them "insects eating him from the inside out as they mutate him into a horrible insectile abomination." Tetsuo comes to, breaks out of prison and frees Tor. Thinking "why the fuck not" Tetsuo challenges Caleria again. Before they can do shit though, Overdark activates his hidden artifact. Hey, yeah, it was a serpent generator. Tons of Snake tokens are getting churned out and that's no good. Tetsuo and Ayesha (who is an artificer) head off to smash the generator while Tor stays back and duels Caleria in Tetsuo's stead.

Both succeed at their shit! Great! No more poison snakes and also they are not under arrest and have free passage from Argenti. They head back to the forest to seek out Lord Magnus at the sylvan library. After arriving they find out that Magnus has no cure for Kei's condition. However he has a solution Ayesha and Tetsuo enter the meditation plane and fight off the insect larva inside of Kei. That's right they fight a metaphor and it fucking works. The Meditation Plane is fucking weird, yo. Thanks to the metaphorical/real infanticide, Kei stops mutating but he’s still all gross and part insect now. Xira shows up and attacks Tor and Ayesha for killing her horrible, horrible babies, loses and is last seen plummeting into the ocean. Hooray.

Ramses Overdark, back in Madara, meets with his emperor. Overdark fucked up pretty bad. Elsdragon and Hage are both placed directly in charge of culling the Edemis resistance now.


Emperor's Fist
_{Honor Tested by War}
After his stupid fuckup, the Madaran emperor calls all three of his main dudes to him. Elsdragon is ordered to conquer the Edemis. Kusho has to be captured and not burnt to the ground, while Argenti can go fuck itself. Obliterate it if he has to. Tetsuo needs to learn obedience and is put under Elsdragon on his campaign. Overdark, meanwhile, needs to learn to not be a fucking jackass and is ordered to not get involved in the Edemis campaign at all. This is totally going to be obeyed, yes.

Elsdragon sends his second, Jorgan Hage to Kusho to lead that campaign. Along for the ride is Ayesha Tanaka and Kolo Meha. Meha is a bogardan pyromancer on a pilgrimage of I guess burning shit. He himself signed on with a Keldon warhost to see the world and blow up large chunks of it. However when the Keldons ran into the kentsu they sold Meha off to avoid a conflict. This should tell you something right here. If you know anything about the Keldons you know that they fucking love fighting and they AVOIDED one with the kentsu. Meha is mostly acting as a demoman for the kentsu, since hey. He still gets to blow shit up/pilgrimage.

So Ayesha’s group is just sort of fucking shit up in Kusho for their emperor when they get attacked by a rebel group led by Gosta Dirk. Ayesha gets captured. Gosta explains that he wants Kusho’s fate to be decided in a formal duel between Tetsuo and Kasimir, which Ayeka knows has no chance in hell of happening thanks to Elsdragon.

MEANWHILE! Tetsuo and Kei travel to Sekana again to visit Wasitora. Tetsuo needs Wasitora to allow the Kentsu troops through, which she agrees to as long as they stay the hell away from her newborn kittens. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww~ Tetsuo and Elsdragon rendezvous with the Madaran second fleet and head out to the Edemis.

BACK TO AYESHA. Ayesha’s got a craving. A craving for blue mana. While she tries to figure out why, Ramirez DePietro shows up and gets her out of there wooooo. Flamboyant pirate saving a faux-Asian artificer I smell an anime premise! As Ayesha and the kentsu retreat from the area, Meha creates a huge chasm to prevent Kusho reinforcements from getting through. Jorgan Hage is not happy with this. Hage is an Ærathi and REALLY wanted to fight those assholes. Hage goes to town, beating the shit out of Meha for a while

BACK TO TETSUO. The second fleet arrives in Edemis and finds Kusho empty save for a few defenders. Turns out Dirk was a distraction. The third fleet arrives with an occupational force lead by Barktooth Warbeard. Tetsuo and his bros meet up and Ayesha mentions she is fucking addicted to blue mana. I can only imagine she is repeatedly casting Twiddle on things. Kei and Tor stay back with Warbeard while Tetsuo, Ayesha and Meha head to Argenti, maybe Lord Magnus can make some sort of bullshit metaphor for blue mana they can stab to death.

The force arrives on Argenti but there’s a problem. A powerful enchantment is basically preventing them from doing anything. Tetsuo and Elsdragon can’t do shit about it, what with being black and/or red so they do the only thing they can. They whoosh their asses to the meditation plane, meet Overdark there and ask their never-actually-seen Emperor to fix it! He does! By blinking. He just sort of whims away the fucking thing. How mysterious.


The barrier gone, Ayesha volunteers to lead an attack force to the sylvan library to “distract Lord Magnus” long enough to let the Kentsu troops through the woods to attack Caleria’s capital. She’s totally gonna try to stab a metaphor. Ayesha manages to take the library just fine, but when she takes Lord Magnus’s place within it she gets avatar’d the fuck up. She starts just slaughtering kentsu, combining her cunning with the forests’ . . . trees. . . and they just sorta kick ass all over the place. That done, she tries to communicate with Kei on Argenti via the trees or some shit, but to do that Kei needs to find an evergreen tree that was transplanted there from Kusho (this is hella dumb). After that failure of an action, she probes into things and finds something interesting about Kusho’s mana. Someone (Overdark) has seeded non-native black mana sources around the island, corrupting it and causing her addiction to blue mana. . . for some reason. How peculiar.

MEANWHILE ON ARGENTI the Kentsu and Caleria’s forces have fought to a stalemate. The Kentsu’s effective training is an even match against Caleria’s army which has Clergy of the Holy Nimbus and Ivory Gargoyles fighting within it. The tide starts to turn when Elsdragon sends siege engines in to take out Caleria’s castle. Caleria counters by sending out an Akron Legionnaire which wrecks the siege engines effortlessly.

While this is happening, Kei and Tor are just wandering around looking for evergreens. They find one, but it’s been torched. Barktooth Warbeard pops out of a bush and looks around. “Yo guys, you see these you burn em. The people in the trees, man. They talk through em.” At this point I should mention, Warbeard’s troops think he’s senile at this point. He just keeps giving weird orders like this. Kei and Tor don’t complain, they head out looking for evergreens as ordered.
Back at the battlefield, Xira Arien shows up, alive and not dead to Elsdragon. She passes along that her master wants to help. Elsdragon reminds the freaky ass bug-lady that Overdark is forbidden to help but at this point he REALLY could use the help. Elsdragon says yeah sure why not and Lady Orca magically shows up, kills the Akron Legionnaire, eats its goddamned heart and then continues on to smash the walls of the castle. The kentsu cheer! Then Lady Orca turns around and starts slaughtering the kentsu! Oh no!

Kei and Tor, off on their super cool teen mystery club exploration trip discover a cave. Inside they find Gosta Dirk, terminally ill from the mana poison. Ramirez DePietro has apparently been protecting the hidden cave and the people inside, supposedly to get payback from Dirk at a later date. Ramirez seems like a cool guy and totally the guy that a cool guy like Tor can follow into the woods. Alone. With nobody else on the island. So they do! Kei stays back with Dirk, tending to him.

BATTLE. Seeing Orca tear the shit out of Imperial troops, Tetsuo magics his ass to Orca’s lair. In the chaos of the fight, Overdark reveals something. Maybe you remember it! He controls Hage. Yup, Overdark commands the Ærathi to de-head Elsdragon AND INDEED HE DOES. HE’S THE GENERAL OF HEAD-HAVING. Hage turns and faces Meha and they start having a hell of a throw down. While this is happening, Tetsuo manages to destroy Orca’s lair which kills Orca herself, somehow. Tetsuo teleports himself and Meha off of the battlefield to southern Argenti.

MEANWHILE AGAIN. Tor gets attacked by Xira and Kei gets attacked by. . . . Tor. HMMM. They’re fighting like motherfuckers and as the brawls travel they eventually meet each other. Turns out the second Tor is the Shapeshifter Halfdane. Halfdane was also Ramirez and Warbeard. Surprise! Halfdane and Xira fatally injure the two faux-Asian dudes and leave them for dead, apparently forgetting that one of them is a goddamn healer. Kei uses the last of his energy to heal Tor.

Meanwhile Tetsuo! He’s disgusted by Overdark’s actions and after talking with Meha he decides. He renounces his title as Imperial Champion, allowing him to act against Ramses Overdark. Overdark is fucking thrilled by this as you can imagine. He’s already got a puppet general, now he can just install a puppet champion with out the emperor even knowing. Bitchin!

Except. . . the emperor knows. The emperor knows everything. The Emperor of Madara reveals himself to Overdark. Overdark, seeing the titanic power of Nicol Bolas realizes his plans are worthless and he is terrified at what this Elder Dragon Planeswalker is about to do to him. Bolas is fine with what Overdark has done. If anything it’s shown him that the way the empire is run is flawed. He makes Overdark the Imperial Regent and the two start thinking of ways to take care of certain used-to-be-champion loose ends.

Champion's Trial
_{Evil Triumphant}
Weeks later, Tetsuo and Meha are still in hiding. Tetsuo has passed on some of his Tsunami-nito training to Meha and Meha has himself been training with Wasitora and her kittens.

On Argenti, Hage meets Sergeant Chada, the only surviving troop from Ayesha's freakout at the sylvan library. He explained that Ayesha had been overwhelmed by forest and was being used as avatar. She gave all of the kentsu the option to run or fight. Chada, wisely, was one of the few that ran. Hage leads troops simultaneously against Ayesha and Lady Caleria.

Caleria however, had moved to northern tip of the islands with several refugees from across Argenti. Ayesha is still kind of kicking ass as a blue-mana addicted forest avatar, she uses her artificer skills to animate the leather armor of all the Kentsu troops on Argenti and has them all smothered to death by their own armor. That’s kind of cool. Hage manages to survive as Overdark teleports his ass back to Madara just in time.

Overdark, he’s not a dumb guy. He knows just how to get Tetsuo to show himself, he sends a kentsu platoon to Sekana to lure out Tetsuo. However, there are big pissed off dragon kittens and an angry Bogardan pyromancer who’s samuraied the fuck up. They effortlessly take out the entire group. Overdark fucked up pretty big here by losing an entire platoon of dudes. As punishment, Bolas evicts Overdark from his own body. That’s right. He lost his “having a body” privileges and now has to sorta ghostly float around via his minions for a little while. Tetsuo sends Meha and Wasitora off on errands to different parts of Sekana while he himself heads to hunt down Xira Arien himself.

Back at the library, Ayesha wants to avenge Kei. Lord Magnus reappears and is hella pleased with all the shit she did and lets her go now that Argenti is safe. Before she leaves, the two supercharge the coral reefs around Edemi. That’s right. They buffed CORAL. The reefs are now wrecking ships and EATING PEOPLE. Holy shit badass coral.

Back at the Umezawa manor, Xira Arien shows up and attacks Tetsuo’s standard-bearer. Tetsuo shows up in the nick of time and wounds the creepy insect cunt. She flees, wounded, for the swamps to the west. Tetsuo hunts her down, slays her and then blasts her into a crater of molten glass. Doing kick-ass retributional killings apparently just runs in the Umezawa bloodline.

Ayesha arrives on Kusho with the last attack on the kentsu she and Lord Magnus devised. Two kentsu warships are left. Ayesha flat out tells them “Get the fuck out.” Now, combined with the man-eating CORAL and their lack of trust in Barktooth Warbeard (who is dead now/was Halfdane) they peel the fuck out. Ayesha meets with Tor, and delivers a mystical seed she got from Lord Magnus. The seed cleanses Kusho's corruption and the two head to Dirk's cave looking for Halfdane.

Overdark orders Hage to get two legions together: one to wait at the Imperial Shrine, and one to level Umezawa manor. Shortly after departing from Madara, the second legion met an unfortunate, draconic/feline end. Wasitora outflanks and routs the entire legion by herself.

Now here’s a thing about Overdark that was never really mentioned! Overdark does not live in Madara. He lives in a castle keep fortress bullshit fantasy wizard thing in the swamps to the west. This Evil Wizard Castle Playset has a ton of meditation chambers that he casts his spells from. Now since Overdark is never actually there, he has an efreet there that guards it. They worked out a deal: the Efreet serves Overdark for 300 years and then the efreet gets to eat him. Efreet are crazy. Haha he is never going to get to eat Overdark: Meha arrives at the keep, beats the efreet’s ass and then levels it, completing his Demoman pilgrimage and cutting the assassin off from most of his mana sources. God, the best part is that efreet was 4 years away from eating that wizard.

Tetsuo arrives at the Imperial Shrine and immediately casts a firestorm that rains from the sky, wiping out the Kentsu forces. Only the black mana infused Hage survives. They have a little scuffle but Tetsuo offs him with his blade. He takes Hage’s warhammer and does a very peculiar thing with it. He casts a spell on it and flings it into the sky. The hammer flies into the air until it reaches the very edge of the atmosphere.

Back on Kusho, Ayesha and Tor battle Halfdane in the cave. He transforms into all sortsa dead people as he fights like a Shapeshifter is want to do in battle. Eventually Ayesha freezes the pond at the bottom of the cave. Halfdane just. . . stops fighting. He’s mesmerized by all of his reflections giving Tor enough time to finish him off with a black spell. Let’s go with. . . eh, Doom Blade. Why not?

Back at the fight we care about, Tetsuo and Overdark square off at the Imperial Shrine. Both wound each other pretty bad when Bolas himself intervenes. Bolas tries to mindwipe Tetsuo, but that shit gets deflected to Overdark. Bolas has to undo it this fuck up which is frankly pretty embarassing. Overdark tries to unleash a final attack but gets killed by Tetsuo, what since Overdark’s mana sources were fucked. Tetsuo absorbs energy from Overdark, prepares to face Nicol Bolas.

Tetsuo flees to the Meditation Plane, Bolas follows him. Remember that spell and that hammer Tetsuo threw into the atmosphere? He calls that thing down. The Meteor Hammer comes straight down on the Imperial Shrine, obliterating it. Bolas is fucking furious.

Bolas strikes at Tetsuo in a blind rage, but the Meditation Plane is weird and shit. Like, killing metaphors, etc. You remember. Brute force doesn't work for shit (again, unless you’re killing metaphors) and subtlety is what prevails. Umezawa delivers a blow that apparently kills the Elder Dragon in his weakened state. Holy shit


Weeks later, everyone reunites on the beach of Sekana for a kick-ass bikini beach party. Edemis are still in uproar, demanding reparations from Madara. The Kentsu have become mercenaries and the Ærathi want to fill the power void left by Bolas. Tetsuo sets out to try to restore order and justice to the empire.

THE END.

Nicol Bolas

(~25,000 AR – 4150 AR)
_{(4505 AR - ????}


Legendary Shit
Ayesha Tanaka - Tetsuo's artificer ladybro. Did some cool shit.
Barktooth Warbeard - Old officer of the kentsu's occupation force on Kusho. Killed by Halfdane.
Boris Devilboon - Wizard minion of Ramses Overdark. Could summon minor demons. Killed and zombified by Overdark before being killed again by Tetsuo.
Lady Ohabi Caleria - Elven ruler of Argenti. Rallied the Edemi islands into rebellion against Madara
Gosta Dirk - Leader of Kusho, also its most powerful mage.
Halfdane - Shapeshifter from ancient Tolaria. Mentally unstable murderer. Servant of Overdark. Killed by Tor Wauki and Ayesha Tanaka
Kasimir the Lone Wolf - Former general of the kentsu, formerly known as Shasido Mayasi. Lived out his life on Kusho after being defeated by Tetsuo.
Kei Takahashi - Healer bro of Tetsuo and Ayesha Tanaka. Injected with Xira Arien's brood he got all gross and insecty. Died healing Tor Wauki.
Lord Magnus - Avatar of the woods on Argenti. Pre-revision he was the maro-sorcerer of Llanowar until another character filled that role! Now he's just a powerful druid.
Marhault Elsdragon - Half-Elf general of Madara's imperial army, the kentsu.
Nicol Bolas - Elder Dragon. Planeswalker. Tyrant of Worlds. God-Emperor of Madara. Defeated by Tetsuo Umezawa.
Lady Orca - Demon? I. . . don't even know for sure. Type says demon but whatever. She was originally a human battlemage before Overdark twisted her into her demonic form and used her as his minion. Killed by Tetsuo.
Ramses Overdark - Imperial assassin under the Emperor of Madara. Rat bastard who gets promoted due to his high ratbastard stat.
Tetsuo Umezawa - Descendant of the other Umezawa. Rival of Ramses Overdark. Defeated the God-Emperor of Madara.
Tor Wauki - Tetsuo's archer sidekick
Xira Arien - Eumidian insect working for Ramses Overdark. Sent to assassinate Lady Caleria and lure Tetsuo to Edemi. Killed by Tetsuo and Ayesha.

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